Missy
January 31st, 2012, 06:02 AM
The name isn't set in stone but it's about a girl (Celeste) who moves to a Canadian Town in Southern Ontario. It's a fantasy story but in the first few chapters the reader doesn't know that.
I must reluctantly admit I am having some troubles ironing out the viewpoints. I really wanted this story from both my character's view points (Sam and Celeste) but I am getting that sinking feeling that Sam isn't coming off as well as I had intended. I would appreciate any feedback, on any parts. (Be honest. I can handle it. Really.) :P
This is only the first draft, but the problem (imagined or real) with Sam is really holding me back.
I have it posted here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ySn_fZzbQx3At7GCp3EOFww4Y0dFFaiOfOTY5bBbNEk/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1#
And in case you don't want to click the link I have the first three chapters posted below (Thank you BabaYaga)
Thank you in advanced. :)
~Sam~
"Stop! Freeze! Don't move! Put your hands the air!" I screamed at the blurry figure, my shaggy brown hair falling into my eyes. "I said don't move!" I had my gun raised and pointed at the figure, a man, I couldn't make out the man's features. "Don't worry Ma'am I will save you!" I tossed my gun in the air and rolled towards the blurry man; I caught the gun that tumbled into my hands with ease. That was what I had been training for. Soon I was upon the man and the woman and I, with my gun pointed at the man, wrenched the woman free from the man's arms. "Now that's justice." I said pleased with myself.
"Yay! Wow! Bravo!" I could hear them cheering my name. I am a hero! I thought gleefully. "Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam." I grinned bashfully as the woman leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and she mumbled her thanks softly in my ear.
"You are an idiot."
"Jason." our mother warned. "You are a hero Sammy!" my mother beamed at me.
"Oh yes. A hero." my brother sneered. "Now we can all rest easy since Captain Doofus is on the case!" my brother snorted and I glared at him wishing, not for the first time, that the small plastic toy gun I held in my hands was real... "Look at the toddler who can roll around and throw plastic!" I could feel his face heat up and I knew I was turning red.
"Jason!" my mother cried, appalled. "Do not call your brother a toddler."
"Well he is! He is just a little baby. Look at him! I think he's going to cry!"
"I am not a baby." I glared angrily. "I am 6 years old." I scowled as Jason cackled and I realized I really hated my older brother. "Stop it!" I finally yelled because I couldn't take Jason's laughing. "Stop laughing you big dummy!"
"Make me." Jason stood up and he was almost double my size.
"Maybe I will." I glared.
"What are you going to do? Shoot me?" Jason howled with laughter as if he had just said the funniest thing in the world. I was so angry, my hands were shaking as I slowly rose to my feet, the small plastic toy gun in my hand and pointed it at Jason's face. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I pulled the trigger.
~Celeste~
My skin was a few shades darker than my hair but pale none the less, I had been a northern girl and I looked nothing like the dark, tall teens around me. Most of my new classmates didn't pay me any attention but the odd one caught my eye and watched curiously as I walked to the massive building and stepped inside.
I wasn't very tall and I usually found it difficult to see over everyone's head. However, at least for today, everyone cleared out of the way. Outside the other students had been distracted or at least unable to see me clearly, inside however I stuck out like a sore thumb. Short, blond, fair skin and I even dressed differently.
"I'm going to buy hair dye after school." I muttered under my breath and walked with my back as straight as possible to the principle's office to look taller. I read the directions to the office. "Right. Left. Left... Right?" I looked up to see a wall of lockers where my directions say a hall should be. "Ugh. Wrong turn. How can this school be so big?" I demanded of no one in particular as I turned around to walk the way I came and saw two boys lounging against the lockers leering at me.
"Well now. Ain't she an eyeful?" one said with a smile that made my skin crawl.
"Mhm." one mumbled, creepy smile identicle to his friend's. I swallowed the lump in my throat and smiled what I hoped was a friendly smile and not a grimace.
"Do you know where the office is?" I asked carefully and they looked at each other for a moment clearly pleased I hadn't left yet.
"Maybe." one slid down the hall a little closer to me and instincts told me to back up, but I held my ground.
"Can you please tell me which way?"
"Sure." the other said cheerfully. "But it's going to cost you." he said following the other's lead and sliding towards me.
"Oh sorry. I don't have any money. I'll just find my own way." I smiled, another attempt at friendly but that felt like it probably did come out as a grimace.
"Can we just leave her here Danny?" one called to the other.
"No we can not Gabe." Danny, I presumed, called to the other.
"Well then I guess we are just going to have to find some other form of payment. Aren't we?" Gabe, who had now crept almost all the way to me, leered from only a few feet away. I had stopped listening and instead was flicking through options. A quick glance behind me told me that the end of the hall was close and it veered to the right. If I had to I might be able to out run them.
"Don't worry about leaving. I'll find my way." I said suddenly, cheerfully and their looks told me that they had already moved on from the topic. I guess this is when I run, I thought dejectedly and I turned to do just that and was caught in the arms of a tall stranger.
"For god's sake." I growled into his chest, which smelled deliciously of pine, and knew I was caught. "I would say this could be worse but... Well I think this is pretty much Rock Bottom, don't you think?" I was blabbering and would, in all honesty, later claim it was to buy time. It wasn't, I was ashamed of feeling so, attracted to my attacker.
"I think it's time for you to leave." I felt him growl and I blinked one, twice, three times shocked at the rumbling sound. "Now!" he barked and pushed me behind him. I started to run down the hall but realized I would only get lost again and so turned back to my apparent saviour. He was standing relaxed, hands by his side. Danny and Gabe were shuddering, I had never seen anything quite like it but they looked terrified. Did I miss something here? I wondered and was caught by surprise well my two tormentors bolted in the other direction and the strange boy turned to examine me. "I told you to leave."
Normally I would respond with something witty but his eyes, they were amazing and his face, and his... Lips. I could feel her face heat up as I thought about his lips and what it would feel like to kiss them. "I... Just. I would have got lost again."
"Mmm." he nodded, finding this an acceptable answer. "What are you looking for?"
"The office?" I said hopefully. He nodded once and briskly walked in the same direction my tormentors had just ran. I stared after him wanting to follow, too afraid, but not wanting to admit it. He turned around when he reached the end of the hall, his eyes hard and his face set in irritaition. His eyes were the most beautiful honey brown but they looked out of place set into the hard lines of his face. He watched me carefully, looking for something, and his face softened suddenly and my breath caught at the beauty of it.
"It's alright. They are gone and if they do come back..." he paused uncertain how to say it. "I will handle it." he gave himself a nod, clearly pleased at his phrasing. I wasn't sure exactly what it was, but it was probably the glint in his eyes and the set of his shoulders that made the tight knot of fear in my belly vanish. I smiled and walked over to him.
We walked in silence, me two steps behind and him looking straight ahead acknowledging no one as he weaved around the massing students. Curious, I thought, he is so cute. He should have girls hanging from his arms? He stopped abruptly and I stumbled into him, liking the way he felt. He turned his head to glare at me but we both knew the look was only a show for those around. "Sorry." I mumbled anyway. "Is this it?" I asked and felt silly when he raised his eyebrow and looked at me questioningly. "Yeah. Dumb question. I know, but hey better safe than sorry. I mean you could have seen someone you really don't like, like those two... Jerks and stopped cause you didn't-" I was blabbering and he wasn't telling me to shut up. He was looking at me... Curiously; like he couldn't figure me out. I almost shivered at the intensity of it. "Thanks." I muttered and walked around him. I pushed the door open and stepped inside the tight room. I let the door swing shut but he caught it before it shut all the way and pulled it back open. I turned around just in time to catch his mumbled words.
"Be careful." he said and let the door swing closed. I blinked at the closed door and turned to the secretary. I considered telling the secretary about my earlier encounter with... Garry and Dillon? Then I realized I couldn't remember their names or really what they looked like. Besides, I reasoned, do you really want to be that kid on your first day? No I guess I didn't and then my thoughts went back to the boy who'd saved me. What did he do to them? I wondered as I stepped towards the lady behind the desk.
"Hello. I'm the new student, Celeste?" I said, my thoughts a million miles away.
~Sam~
I glided through the halls weaving through my fellow classmates, ever careful to not touch any of them. I could still smell her, her scent was all over my shirt from when she had turned right into me, both times. I hadn't been expecting that, in fact I hadn't planned for it. When I had heard those two idiots: Gavin and Darren? Didn't matter, but when I'd heard them tormenting her I felt similarly to what I felt now. Bile rushing in my throat, fists shaking with barely controlled rage. If I hadn't been walking down the back halls to avoid morning 'traffic' who knows what would have happened to her?
I shook off the rage and stopped suddenly in front of my class room and whoever was behind me very nearly stumbled into me but I shot her a withering scowl and she managed to find her balance. I whirled into the classroom and stalked to the back corner where I promptly plopped down. From my vantage point I saw her walk into the classroom strong and confident. She didn't appear to have been shaken in least by what had happened earlier and I felt a strange swell of pride. She threw a quick glance around the classroom, too quick to notice me. She handed the bumbling math teacher the note from the office and the man, Mr. Winters?, nodded slightly. He gestured around the classroom, probably to mean she could sit anywhere; then Mr. Winters changed his mind and pointed to where he was sitting in the back corner. She nodded once and turned to walk to the back. By now the class was full and all the desks taken except the ones directly beside him and all the kids were watching her with slight curiosity. I was flat out staring.
Her blue eyes sparkled as they caught the delicate morning light; her eyes were the clearest blue imaginable, like looking into a clear lake. Her shimmering white blond hair was cropped just below her ears and she twisted a strand nervously.
"Class this is Celeste Hope. She is from Northern Alberta welcome her warmly." he chuckled to himself as he turned to the chalk board. Everyone was watching Celeste now and she walked with her head down and slid into the seat in front of me. I briefly considered ignoring her but figured she would figure out eventually she was sitting in front of me.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were stalking me." I mumbled just loud enough for her to hear if she was listening, if not... She turned slightly, just enough to see my face and that beautiful smile of hers turned on full beam. She turned back around eyes down watching her notebook.
"How do you know better?" she whispered back softly and I couldn't help but grin.
"Well I could be dangerous. I just assume you would have more regard for your own safety." she snorted derisively.
"Obviously you weren't paying attention to the little incident this morning. Danger is my middle name."
"Obviously." I commented dryly, the memory bringing back a flicker of rage. "Stop distracting me. I am trying to take a note." she turned her head enough to see my desk didn't have anything on it, not even a pen.
"Obviously." she mocked my tone playfully.
"Ahem. Mr. Anderson. Please stop talking." I scowled at Mr. Winter but the teacher had already turned away and Celeste giggled softly.
"Yes Mr. Anderson. Stop talking." she mimicked and beamed when I softly chuckled.
"Now really. I have to get to work." I growled and instantly missed the playful banter.
I must reluctantly admit I am having some troubles ironing out the viewpoints. I really wanted this story from both my character's view points (Sam and Celeste) but I am getting that sinking feeling that Sam isn't coming off as well as I had intended. I would appreciate any feedback, on any parts. (Be honest. I can handle it. Really.) :P
This is only the first draft, but the problem (imagined or real) with Sam is really holding me back.
I have it posted here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ySn_fZzbQx3At7GCp3EOFww4Y0dFFaiOfOTY5bBbNEk/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1#
And in case you don't want to click the link I have the first three chapters posted below (Thank you BabaYaga)
Thank you in advanced. :)
~Sam~
"Stop! Freeze! Don't move! Put your hands the air!" I screamed at the blurry figure, my shaggy brown hair falling into my eyes. "I said don't move!" I had my gun raised and pointed at the figure, a man, I couldn't make out the man's features. "Don't worry Ma'am I will save you!" I tossed my gun in the air and rolled towards the blurry man; I caught the gun that tumbled into my hands with ease. That was what I had been training for. Soon I was upon the man and the woman and I, with my gun pointed at the man, wrenched the woman free from the man's arms. "Now that's justice." I said pleased with myself.
"Yay! Wow! Bravo!" I could hear them cheering my name. I am a hero! I thought gleefully. "Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam." I grinned bashfully as the woman leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and she mumbled her thanks softly in my ear.
"You are an idiot."
"Jason." our mother warned. "You are a hero Sammy!" my mother beamed at me.
"Oh yes. A hero." my brother sneered. "Now we can all rest easy since Captain Doofus is on the case!" my brother snorted and I glared at him wishing, not for the first time, that the small plastic toy gun I held in my hands was real... "Look at the toddler who can roll around and throw plastic!" I could feel his face heat up and I knew I was turning red.
"Jason!" my mother cried, appalled. "Do not call your brother a toddler."
"Well he is! He is just a little baby. Look at him! I think he's going to cry!"
"I am not a baby." I glared angrily. "I am 6 years old." I scowled as Jason cackled and I realized I really hated my older brother. "Stop it!" I finally yelled because I couldn't take Jason's laughing. "Stop laughing you big dummy!"
"Make me." Jason stood up and he was almost double my size.
"Maybe I will." I glared.
"What are you going to do? Shoot me?" Jason howled with laughter as if he had just said the funniest thing in the world. I was so angry, my hands were shaking as I slowly rose to my feet, the small plastic toy gun in my hand and pointed it at Jason's face. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I pulled the trigger.
~Celeste~
My skin was a few shades darker than my hair but pale none the less, I had been a northern girl and I looked nothing like the dark, tall teens around me. Most of my new classmates didn't pay me any attention but the odd one caught my eye and watched curiously as I walked to the massive building and stepped inside.
I wasn't very tall and I usually found it difficult to see over everyone's head. However, at least for today, everyone cleared out of the way. Outside the other students had been distracted or at least unable to see me clearly, inside however I stuck out like a sore thumb. Short, blond, fair skin and I even dressed differently.
"I'm going to buy hair dye after school." I muttered under my breath and walked with my back as straight as possible to the principle's office to look taller. I read the directions to the office. "Right. Left. Left... Right?" I looked up to see a wall of lockers where my directions say a hall should be. "Ugh. Wrong turn. How can this school be so big?" I demanded of no one in particular as I turned around to walk the way I came and saw two boys lounging against the lockers leering at me.
"Well now. Ain't she an eyeful?" one said with a smile that made my skin crawl.
"Mhm." one mumbled, creepy smile identicle to his friend's. I swallowed the lump in my throat and smiled what I hoped was a friendly smile and not a grimace.
"Do you know where the office is?" I asked carefully and they looked at each other for a moment clearly pleased I hadn't left yet.
"Maybe." one slid down the hall a little closer to me and instincts told me to back up, but I held my ground.
"Can you please tell me which way?"
"Sure." the other said cheerfully. "But it's going to cost you." he said following the other's lead and sliding towards me.
"Oh sorry. I don't have any money. I'll just find my own way." I smiled, another attempt at friendly but that felt like it probably did come out as a grimace.
"Can we just leave her here Danny?" one called to the other.
"No we can not Gabe." Danny, I presumed, called to the other.
"Well then I guess we are just going to have to find some other form of payment. Aren't we?" Gabe, who had now crept almost all the way to me, leered from only a few feet away. I had stopped listening and instead was flicking through options. A quick glance behind me told me that the end of the hall was close and it veered to the right. If I had to I might be able to out run them.
"Don't worry about leaving. I'll find my way." I said suddenly, cheerfully and their looks told me that they had already moved on from the topic. I guess this is when I run, I thought dejectedly and I turned to do just that and was caught in the arms of a tall stranger.
"For god's sake." I growled into his chest, which smelled deliciously of pine, and knew I was caught. "I would say this could be worse but... Well I think this is pretty much Rock Bottom, don't you think?" I was blabbering and would, in all honesty, later claim it was to buy time. It wasn't, I was ashamed of feeling so, attracted to my attacker.
"I think it's time for you to leave." I felt him growl and I blinked one, twice, three times shocked at the rumbling sound. "Now!" he barked and pushed me behind him. I started to run down the hall but realized I would only get lost again and so turned back to my apparent saviour. He was standing relaxed, hands by his side. Danny and Gabe were shuddering, I had never seen anything quite like it but they looked terrified. Did I miss something here? I wondered and was caught by surprise well my two tormentors bolted in the other direction and the strange boy turned to examine me. "I told you to leave."
Normally I would respond with something witty but his eyes, they were amazing and his face, and his... Lips. I could feel her face heat up as I thought about his lips and what it would feel like to kiss them. "I... Just. I would have got lost again."
"Mmm." he nodded, finding this an acceptable answer. "What are you looking for?"
"The office?" I said hopefully. He nodded once and briskly walked in the same direction my tormentors had just ran. I stared after him wanting to follow, too afraid, but not wanting to admit it. He turned around when he reached the end of the hall, his eyes hard and his face set in irritaition. His eyes were the most beautiful honey brown but they looked out of place set into the hard lines of his face. He watched me carefully, looking for something, and his face softened suddenly and my breath caught at the beauty of it.
"It's alright. They are gone and if they do come back..." he paused uncertain how to say it. "I will handle it." he gave himself a nod, clearly pleased at his phrasing. I wasn't sure exactly what it was, but it was probably the glint in his eyes and the set of his shoulders that made the tight knot of fear in my belly vanish. I smiled and walked over to him.
We walked in silence, me two steps behind and him looking straight ahead acknowledging no one as he weaved around the massing students. Curious, I thought, he is so cute. He should have girls hanging from his arms? He stopped abruptly and I stumbled into him, liking the way he felt. He turned his head to glare at me but we both knew the look was only a show for those around. "Sorry." I mumbled anyway. "Is this it?" I asked and felt silly when he raised his eyebrow and looked at me questioningly. "Yeah. Dumb question. I know, but hey better safe than sorry. I mean you could have seen someone you really don't like, like those two... Jerks and stopped cause you didn't-" I was blabbering and he wasn't telling me to shut up. He was looking at me... Curiously; like he couldn't figure me out. I almost shivered at the intensity of it. "Thanks." I muttered and walked around him. I pushed the door open and stepped inside the tight room. I let the door swing shut but he caught it before it shut all the way and pulled it back open. I turned around just in time to catch his mumbled words.
"Be careful." he said and let the door swing closed. I blinked at the closed door and turned to the secretary. I considered telling the secretary about my earlier encounter with... Garry and Dillon? Then I realized I couldn't remember their names or really what they looked like. Besides, I reasoned, do you really want to be that kid on your first day? No I guess I didn't and then my thoughts went back to the boy who'd saved me. What did he do to them? I wondered as I stepped towards the lady behind the desk.
"Hello. I'm the new student, Celeste?" I said, my thoughts a million miles away.
~Sam~
I glided through the halls weaving through my fellow classmates, ever careful to not touch any of them. I could still smell her, her scent was all over my shirt from when she had turned right into me, both times. I hadn't been expecting that, in fact I hadn't planned for it. When I had heard those two idiots: Gavin and Darren? Didn't matter, but when I'd heard them tormenting her I felt similarly to what I felt now. Bile rushing in my throat, fists shaking with barely controlled rage. If I hadn't been walking down the back halls to avoid morning 'traffic' who knows what would have happened to her?
I shook off the rage and stopped suddenly in front of my class room and whoever was behind me very nearly stumbled into me but I shot her a withering scowl and she managed to find her balance. I whirled into the classroom and stalked to the back corner where I promptly plopped down. From my vantage point I saw her walk into the classroom strong and confident. She didn't appear to have been shaken in least by what had happened earlier and I felt a strange swell of pride. She threw a quick glance around the classroom, too quick to notice me. She handed the bumbling math teacher the note from the office and the man, Mr. Winters?, nodded slightly. He gestured around the classroom, probably to mean she could sit anywhere; then Mr. Winters changed his mind and pointed to where he was sitting in the back corner. She nodded once and turned to walk to the back. By now the class was full and all the desks taken except the ones directly beside him and all the kids were watching her with slight curiosity. I was flat out staring.
Her blue eyes sparkled as they caught the delicate morning light; her eyes were the clearest blue imaginable, like looking into a clear lake. Her shimmering white blond hair was cropped just below her ears and she twisted a strand nervously.
"Class this is Celeste Hope. She is from Northern Alberta welcome her warmly." he chuckled to himself as he turned to the chalk board. Everyone was watching Celeste now and she walked with her head down and slid into the seat in front of me. I briefly considered ignoring her but figured she would figure out eventually she was sitting in front of me.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were stalking me." I mumbled just loud enough for her to hear if she was listening, if not... She turned slightly, just enough to see my face and that beautiful smile of hers turned on full beam. She turned back around eyes down watching her notebook.
"How do you know better?" she whispered back softly and I couldn't help but grin.
"Well I could be dangerous. I just assume you would have more regard for your own safety." she snorted derisively.
"Obviously you weren't paying attention to the little incident this morning. Danger is my middle name."
"Obviously." I commented dryly, the memory bringing back a flicker of rage. "Stop distracting me. I am trying to take a note." she turned her head enough to see my desk didn't have anything on it, not even a pen.
"Obviously." she mocked my tone playfully.
"Ahem. Mr. Anderson. Please stop talking." I scowled at Mr. Winter but the teacher had already turned away and Celeste giggled softly.
"Yes Mr. Anderson. Stop talking." she mimicked and beamed when I softly chuckled.
"Now really. I have to get to work." I growled and instantly missed the playful banter.