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View Full Version : Tales of Action- Prologue (Minor Language).



Dreyga2000
January 26th, 2012, 07:37 PM
Well, here it goes my first fiction post on this forum. Here's the prologue for a superhero book I'm writing. My intentions was to start off pretty fast paced. I would like to make it a bit longer but having difficulty figuring out ways I could further stretch the tension. It supposed to be flash forward that leaves an aura tension throughout the book. Enjoy!:adoration:




Five minutes, that's all the time Malik Masters had left to live. When the timer hit zero the bomb would go off and he would be no more. Desperation was starting to sink in. No mattered how he struggled, his strength simply wasn't enough. The chains weren't going to break. He was trapped.

"I know I'm not really good at this. I've never really have done it before--prayed that is. Not even sure I'm doing it right. Honestly, I never really saw the point. I always thought it better to believe in myself then some invisible man I've never met."

Four minutes. His eyes darted around the room looking for someway out. “Damn…even now it feels weird talking to him/her…it? I feel a lot more at ease talking to you, big guy." Maybe he missed something critical, something that could save his life. All he could see were draped canisters of gasoline, dingy blood-soaked walls, and shrapnel scattered about the floor, nothing of particular use.


"Edgar…Dr. Erikson…Captain Action. Whoever the hell you really were. I never got the chance to apologize to you…” Malik paused for a moment and drew in a slow breath.He needed to ignore the blistering gashes littered across his torso and the warm blood seeping down the back of his neck.“I never meant to be… well... a general pain in the ass. For always thinking I was right when you damn well knew better. For never listening to you when you were the only one trying tell me something. You kept giving me chances and I kept failing you.”

“No matter how much I screwed up you never gave up on me. And till this day I will neverunderstand why. I sure as hell wasn't your kid and you were nobody's father but you believed in me anyway.”

Three minutes to go, only moments away from death. Malik began to kneel his head in preparation when he noticed it glimmering in the corner of his vision. His chest tightened at the thought that he almost missed it. A rogue grenade pinlaying there just inches away from his feet--salvation.

To anyone else it was nothing more than a stray piece of metal but in his hands it was the ultimate tool. All he needed to do grab a hold of that pin and it would be a matter of child's play to pick the lock. Malik smirked to himself. If there was a god, the big guy was definitely rooting for him.

If he pulled a little bit to the side there was a chance he could get his left armfree. Try as he might there was no give. His arm was too tightly bound, but maybe…“No sacrifice, no victory." Malik smirked to himself.

SNAP!

Crap…ninety seconds. He must have blacked out. A second…he lost his focus for just a second and his eyes began dip into oblivion. As if the situation had not been desperate enough, losing consciousness would certainly make things worse. Then again what could one expect from breaking his own arm?

The sight was grotesque--pools of blood, his protruding bone. Malik would throw up if there had been anything in his stomach. “Great, now I’m hungry.” No time to waste. He had to push the pain into the back of head. Malik stretched his armtoward the grenade pin.

"Perfect..." Malik whispered to himself. The pin was just of out his reach, laughing at him. Now,he was right back at square one. Maybe, if he screamed loud enough or managed to send a signal of some kind? No, stupid idea. It was pointless to entertain the notion of being rescued. He was completely walled off in the middle of nowhere.

Thirty seconds. He had to wrap this one up quickly. These were going to be his final words and at the very least they’d better be damn good ones. “It’s me again Edgar. Kind of embarrassed to back so soon, but I messed up in our first little talk. Earlier I ended up saying thank you when what I meant to say...” Five seconds... Malik took his final gasp of air, “I'm sorry."

Stealth
February 3rd, 2012, 06:03 AM
This looks like it will be an interesting book. This is well written and I thoroughly enjoyed it. When he said "Great, now I'm hungry." seemed a little out of place to me. Other than that I think this was very good and I would love to find out what kind of battle took place in the room and who Captain Action is. Good job.

badboi scene
June 22nd, 2012, 05:54 PM
It is undeniably fast paced, and without a doubt hooks you, however it reads a little amateurish, yet droll. Malik breaks his own arm in a desperate attempt, yes, he passes out, and yes, the sight of his arm afterwards is grotesque, but where is the belief? Where is the excruciating pain? It is then, after concluding that the grenade’s pin is just out of reach, that Malik contemplates the idea of crying out for help, even though he rejects the idea he should still have considered it prior. His earnest words to Captain Action, following his self-physical h-arming (slight gag), are not of a man in intolerable suffering.

Captain Action, for me, appears to be a mere imitation of Action Man and Captain America combined, so personally, I would consider altering the hero’s alias.

Your action scene is rather gripping, to prolong the piece I would advise to have Malik examine his backdrop further. Possibly more mentioning of the count down, and perhaps not have him pass out, yet have him somewhat comatose; sweating profusely, salivating...

KathyReynolds
June 23rd, 2012, 09:28 AM
I liked the line "Great, now I'm hungry". It fits. My only problem is that you hooked me on the story and I need to read more.

bazz cargo
July 12th, 2012, 09:52 PM
neverunderstand

pinlaying

Hi Dreyga,
Very nice. A little too macho to be serious, but not enough to be a spoof. I could imagine Bruce Willis playing the part.
Grammar is good, punctuation is fine. Nice to read stuff that has been through the spell-check properly.
Thank you for a good read.