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Doodally
January 19th, 2012, 05:15 AM
Warning: Adult themes

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Music boomed throughout the nightclub, strobes glinting across the shiny marble. Bodies jerked and twisted, the many fragrances reflecting the sexual tension that hanged in the atmosphere. Xiolina had been watching him for some time; a drunken loner dancing in solo. She occupied a small corner, sipping a cold, fizzing soda. He had to give up the hunt soon, and abandon this desperate attempt of humiliation. She had scoped him all night, he threw himself around as if he was experiencing a seizure, the sweat rolling profusely down his aged skin.

"Ahh finally" she thought to herself, noting his moment of defeat. The man toddled off through the crowd and exited the nightclub. Xiolina stalked him sharply. Following a brief exit the man turned down a narrow alleyway, stumbling as he went. Humid air melted on the tip of the her tongue, tempting the thirst. The drunkard rambled to himself in his absent-mindedness. It was close now, soon it would be quenched. She picked up the pace, manoeuvring quickly towards her target. The sound of the city had become more and more silent until all that was audible was the dull echoes of motor engines. She jolted the last few yards and leapt in great pleasure upon her unsuspecting prey. The man yelped in surprise as Xiolina slammed him against the moonlit concrete, baring her pearly fangs. She smiled as her face contorted into a horrifying form; the petrified victim screamed as she plunged deep into his neck. Blood gushed as Xiolini shook in climactic satisfaction, the ground coming to life with rivers of red. Xiolini withdrew in sated glee.

Higurro
January 19th, 2012, 10:12 AM
I thought that in this part it's hard to tell who's he and who's she and I had to read it a few times to make sure who is watching who, who is sitting in the corner, who is giving up the hunt etc.

Xiolina had been watching him for some time; a drunken loner dancing in solo. She occupied a small corner, sipping a cold, fizzing soda. He had to give up the hunt soon, and abandon this desperate attempt of humiliation. She had scoped him all night, he threw himself around as if he was experiencing a seizure, the sweat rolling profusely down his aged skin.

Not too sure about the name Xiolina, but I suppose that's just my preference. This type of writing doesn't really appeal to me generally, however, I think this is reasonable. It's a bit short to properly get into the characters, but then there's not anything particularly imaginative about what happens. If there's more, perhaps a different extract would show something more original happening. Sorry if that seems harsh but one of the top priorities in any vampire story should be avoiding cliches, because the genre's been so extensively used already.

Hope that helps

Elipsis
January 19th, 2012, 10:15 AM
I'd like to see an afterthought from her after it all. Maybe to show that was something regular for her or maybe because she was desperate. I don't know. It just kind of left me hanging. Good though. Want to read more!

And in replay to the previous post: Have vampires become cliche now? There is a reason why their lore has been a popular subject for decades and it is only the cheesy romantic (twink) vampires that get the harsh criticism that they do. I agree, they're being over-done these days, but in the wrong way. I like it when I find a good blood sucker that is true to form.

RandolphCarter
January 23rd, 2012, 06:08 AM
''Blood gushed as Xiolini shook in climactic satisfaction, the ground coming to life with rivers of red'' - There is a spelling error present in this sentence. Is Xiolini not meant to be spelled as Xiolina? also, it is challenging to picture the pavement ''coming to life with rivers of red'', when a man was supposedly bitten on the neck by a vampire, who has two small, sharp fangs. Surely such an attack could not facilitate such a large amount of blood loss?

Also, what is a blood sucking beast doing in a nightclub? shouldn't she be out haunting the night?

It seems as though your plot needs a little more thinking through.