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View Full Version : Sparring session (Warning: Mature language)



Kevin
January 14th, 2012, 07:04 PM
(before you go any further, I forgot to mark the title with a 'mature language'- apologies Mod. I don't know how to edit the title so I removed the offending 'i's- sorry)


Simultaneously, bam! flash! and then, he's airborne, traveling backwards.

This isn't working

Another impact, this time, it's his *ss hitting the canvas, legs asprawl. Momentum carries him sliding, into the ropes, in a sitting position. He looks over to the side of the ring.

That concerned look on both their faces...priceless. He can't help it. He starts laughing. Looking at them still, he shakes his head. Bracing two gloved fists on the padded floor, he pushes off and stands up.

Art, one of the so-called trainers, calls out, "Are you allright?"

Don, the other 'coach' calls out, "Ivy, hold up!" Ivy, his opponent, gloves down, backs up to the ropes across the ring, and waits.

"Tony, come over here. Lemme wipe your face."

Tony can feel the blood now, running over his upper lip. He reaches up with one gloved hand and clumsily spits his mouthpiece into his palm. Don's waiting for him up on the 'apron' now, elbows looped over the uppermost rope, filthy towel in one hand, a plastic water bottle in the other.

As he gets closer, Don says, "Here, lemme wipe that sh*t off. Listen, you gotta try to throw that left jab harder and faster...and then try to throw the right hand right over the top of his left." He's starts wiping the blood off. "Art, take Ivy's headgear off..."

"No, just wipe me off. I want to continue. Ivy, you still want to go, right? How much time we got? We still got a minute left in this round." He puts his mouthpiece back in. "Thlepths go!"

"Like I said, Tony, throw the jab harder."

Bullshi*t Don, thinks Tony. That ain't workin'... He turns around. Ivy, two hundred sixty-five pounds of solid muscle and bone, advances toward his one eighty-five.

'Improvise' is what I gotta do...

This time, he throws his jab with no power, not in the least expecting it to land. And, as predicted, Ivy throws his massive left in return. Tony wriggles slightly to the left. There is no impact, no crash of two armored knights at full force, one whose lance doesn't come close in length, and whose weight and strength are only a fraction in comparison.

Now that I've made him miss, if I can only figure out how to hit him...






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this is my first usage of italics, ever... hope i did it right.

yingguoren
January 15th, 2012, 08:51 PM
The italics are fine, but I'd reserve them for the character's thoughts and not for words like bam! and flash! The use of exclamation marks already tells us how to read these words so they don't need italics as well. The inverted commas for 'apron' and 'improvise' aren't really needed either. One last point is the use of an advertising slogan 'priceless'. People reading this today will understand it, but someone reading it in 6 months or later might not get it. It still works even if people don't know that it's from an advert, and I hear friends saying things like this all the time. Personally though, I wouldn't use it in a novel.

In general this is a well written piece and you have created a well defined and interesting character without having to resort to unnecessary gimmicks and idiosyncrasies. You have a good ear for the way that people speak and have written a believable and relatable opening scene. I would certainly like to read more.