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View Full Version : A Scene from what I'm working on



egpenny
January 11th, 2012, 04:29 AM
To set the scene: Melody is a paranormal, Matt is a police detective. He doesn't believe in paranormal anything. He has been around her for awhile and although he doesn't want to, he suspects Melody has some sort of power. He is lead detective on a series of child abduction cases and he wants to test her, to prove if she could be helpful. He could ask her, but that would be admitting that she might have a gift. The scene takes place in a police station.



"Relax Mel, have a seat, I just need to finish this report, then we'll go. I promise." Matt turned on his computer, smiling to himself, as he saw Melody sit down in front of his desk. He typed a sentence of the report and then couldn't wait any longer to see what would happen. "Hey Mel, could you hand me that ribbon?" He gestured to the blue ribbon sitting in front of her on the desk's edge.

"Sure." She leaned forward and picked up the ribbon.

*****

Screaming burst into her head. The high-pitched screams of a child in the grip of terror roared through her. Her senses slammed open and the office she sat in disappeared. She saw a huge man coming toward her in the darkened room. His hands were outstretched, like the claws of a beast.

"No. No. No." The child's words shrieked out of her. The sound, intense and painful, ripped through her body and tore at her throat. The man came toward her in a shambling walk, each step more menacing than the last. He meant to hurt her again like last time and the time before that. She scrabbled away from him, as far as the chain around her ankle would stretch. He kept coming, step by step. He leered at her, creating more terror, feeding on it. He loomed above her, reaching for her with his big, rough hands; reaching to grab and to hurt.

She screamed and screamed, the noise ricocheting through her mind, bruising her brain. She felt his hands, tight on her shoulders, pulling her roughly to him. He held her face in front of his, inhaling her fear and pain, gulping it down like rot-gut whiskey, fast and needy. He brought her face closer and bit down on her chin until blood flowed, then licked at it, savoring the salty, coppery taste.

She felt his callused hands slide up to her throat, his finger's wrapping around and squeezing, tight, tighter until. . ."Goodbye pretty girl." She heard his voice rumble at her through the pain and the screaming stopped abruptly along with the working of the child's mind.


The ribbon slithered out of Melody's limp fingers and fell to the floor. The connection was broken and she slumped back in her chair, almost unconscious. Nausea roiled through her stomach, her heart pounded in terror and she could hardly breathe. She scooted the chair back and rested her forehead on her knees, willing herself not to be sick. Her body was damp with perspiration and pain was hammering behind her eyes. After taking several deep breaths and gaining control of her body, she raised her head to look at Matt. He was leaning forward, his elbows on his desk, staring at her with intense interest. He looked like a kid who had caught a beetle and pinned it to a board alive to watch it. Anger filled her mind.

"What did you see Mel? Tell me what you saw." Matt's voice was low and demanding as he concentrated on her.

**********************
This is this first part of the scene so it ends abruptly. I didn't want to put more as that would make it too long to bother reading.

Grape Juice Vampire
January 11th, 2012, 06:23 AM
Wow, definitely well done. My heart started pounding and I'm a little scared now but i want to read more. Also there's a typo that I didn't notice at first, i read it as rot-gut whiskey, but it actually says whisley.

BabaYaga
January 11th, 2012, 07:46 AM
Good stuff, apart from the typo mentioned above, I feel that the last line doesn't do much for me. Rage is surely just a shade of anger? Maybe you could imply that her anger bubbled over in some way (I assume she's about to lose it with him). I really like the way you did the vision, it's very good. I was working on a story that had a psychic who got flashbacks from objects and always struggled with them. Looking forward to reading more.

QDOS
January 11th, 2012, 01:56 PM
Hi
Thanks for the character intro, it set the scene. The psychic imagery constructed well, enjoyed it. As to the typos mentioned already shreiked - shrieked; whisley - whiskey

"What did you see Mel? Tell me what you saw." His voice was low as he concentrated on her. Her anger turned to rage.

The last sentence should be a new paragraph - dialogue change of character. Maybe displaying a bit more conviction to her emotional state as you’ve already said. Anger filled her mind.

Something along the lines:- Melody felt a rising surge of deepening anguish...

QDOS :disturbed:

egpenny
January 12th, 2012, 02:06 AM
Thank you for reading and commenting. I corrected the typo's and changed where I ended the scene to delete the anger/rage thing, which I had just stuck on for no apparent reason. The scene goes on where she kicks some serious butt and leaves in a huff. She eventually helps the police and is instrumental in the final outcome of the abductor. Thank you, seriously, for the good comments, makes me very happy.

Higurro
January 12th, 2012, 10:47 AM
This is certainly very fast paced, and quite heavy on verbs like screamed, shrieked, ripped, tore - maybe a little overblown? - but then I guess the scene demands a sensory overload, so I guess it's appropriate. You certainly have the set up here for an interesting relationship between these two characters, and your intro was helpful to clarify the scene.

SeaBee1
January 12th, 2012, 02:30 PM
Very nice! After my first reading, I thought "No need to change anything, just correct the typos," but after the second read, I felt this part:

"Goodbye pretty girl." She heard his voice rumble at her through the pain and the screaming stopped abruptly along with the working of the child's mind. She felt his callused hands slide up to her throat, his finger's wrapping around and squeezing, tight, tighter until. . .

should be changed to:

She felt his callused hands slide up to her throat, his finger's wrapping around and squeezing, tight, tighter until... "Goodbye pretty girl." She heard his voice rumble at her through the pain and the screaming stopped abruptly along with the working of the child's mind.

Just a suggestion. It seemed like you had the cart before the horse in your original version.

Best regards

CB

egpenny
January 13th, 2012, 09:42 AM
Higurro: Yes I was looking for an overload to work with terror and noise racketing around in the mind, senses being bombarded etc. I thought it wasn't a time to be spare with words.
SeaBee: I like that suggestion, I'll make the change in my original, thank you.

Thank you both for reading and commenting, I appreciate it. Penny

SeaBee1
January 13th, 2012, 02:21 PM
You are most welcome, Penny! It's a good story, I wish you good success!

Best regards

CB

Notquitexena
January 16th, 2012, 10:23 PM
I really, really like this - very natural. I could envision her gift and liked the way the detective got proof of it.

bazz cargo
January 16th, 2012, 10:40 PM
Strong stuff Eg,
I remember an earlier draft of a different scene which was quite good, but this is getting chilling.

RandolphCarter
January 23rd, 2012, 05:26 AM
The plot is sound and solid, an investigation into the disappearance of several children, held by a police officer who is testing the skills of an apparent psychic/paranormal worker etc

Personally, I felt that you used the word ''She'' too much, and that your overly abundant paragraphs became a chore to read. I also feel that you do not provide enough descriptive detail, in regards to the characters physical appearance. For example, what does Matt look like? is he short, tall, skinny, wide, weak, strong, buffed? what color is his uniform? what does the room that he and melody occupy even look like? how about hair or eye color?

Also, ''come here pretty girl'' ? I think there is a lot more room for creativity than that.

No offense intended, this is purely my opinion, and just that. I like your content, but this is how I think you could improve it.