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Grape Juice Vampire
January 10th, 2012, 09:09 AM
Thanks for comments.

Higurro
January 10th, 2012, 12:52 PM
I think this is a brilliant excerpt. Is it the beginning of your story or some way in? I found it fast-paced and imaginative, though I agree there are some issues with your software that interrupt the flow of the words from time to time. The trouble with software is that it'll probably scatter errors evenly throughout the manuscript, and you'll lose so much time correcting them that possibly it might be quicker to type by hand, even if someone else does it for you. If that's not possible then maybe try some different software. I've not personally used voice-recognition much so I'm afraid I don't know how effective this might be.

QDOS
January 10th, 2012, 01:02 PM
Hi Grape Juice Vampire

An excerpt is always difficult to comment on without an overview of your storyline or an intro to the characters. To me some of your dialogue leads to confusion as to who is speaking. Rearrangement of some paragraphs might help the flow. My suggestions:-

Anja felt a stab of pain in her heart and closed her eyes. Her voice a whisper she asked. “If Crow is dead. How did he die?”

“He was impaled by the rune gate.” Telpeth‘s storm grey eyes darkened. “It seems Crow had met the elves to attempt peace and as the gate shut behind him, Eth shoved him under it. The soldiers say it tore his head from his shoulders.”

Anja’s expression hardened and Telpeth fought the urge to step away.


****

“Your highness, your power….”

Telpeth began to sweat as Anja powers bit painfully along his arms, like knives being slid into his flesh. Her hands clenched into small fists as she struggled to gain control, a difficult thing for her as of late. Her grief was a surprise to Telpeth and especially to herself.

Anja had not seen Crow in nearly a decade; she had in fact been feuding with him. Crow had once been the most loyal of her banner men. He had helped her take the throne from her late husband and had saved her life on more than one occasion.

“He was half-dead, blind and harmless; his death brought no advantage….” Telpeth approached the dais slowly, staying at the bottom of the steps. “They threw him to the Soulcatchers.” he told her softly. “The soldiers tried to pull his body from the River but the catchers had devoured him in seconds.”

Anja shivered. Soulcatchers were the bane of fishermen and the river routes; they travel in groups called Tangles and were one of the few living things that could live in the river Ice.

“One of the captains did manage to collect,” Telpeth grimaced. “Crow’s skull.” he licked his lips. “It has been quite badly damaged by their fangs and the water, it must be handled gently, but at least we have that. I know you were quite fond of him, despite the feud. Your Highness I am sorry for his loss.”


QDOS :wink:

Grape Juice Vampire
January 10th, 2012, 01:13 PM
Higurro: it is, and thank you for your feedback on the software issues. Forgot to say this earlier, I'm glad you found it fast paced, I was worried it was a bit slow.

QDOS:Thanks for the input and suggestions, they are quite useful i have already used them and appreciate the assist.

Grape Juice Vampire
January 14th, 2012, 10:54 AM
Thanks for comments.

SeaBee1
January 15th, 2012, 03:56 PM
Hi, Vampire!

Apart from the dictation software problems, I am intrigued with your story. It appears to have enough complexity to warrant a novel, or perhaps a series, IMHO.

Readability, however, is a peeve of mine. For example, this excerpt:

Anja stepped past him. The train of her gown made whispery noises as it slid down the steps. The crimson satin and dragon scale fabric glittered in the glow of the braziers and torches as she moved. “Your words are not honey that is true, but your mind is sharp. Gabrell is shrewd in negotiation and politics and perhaps would be a better advisor, but you annoy me less.” She turned halfway to him a smile on her face. “As for the reach who said you failed? I had no expectations that Agres would listen I simply intended to make myself clear and being clear is your strong suit. Maddeningly so.” Her smile widened; a soft giggle fell from her lips as she turned away.

Commas are your friend. For me, it would read much better this way:

Anja stepped past him. The train of her gown made whispery noises as it slid down the steps. The crimson satin and dragon scale fabric glittered in the glow of the braziers and torches as she moved. “Your words are not honey that is true, but your mind is sharp. Gabrell is shrewd in negotiation and politics and perhaps would be a better advisor, but you annoy me less.” She turned halfway to him, a smile on her face. “As for the reach, who said you failed? I had no expectations that Agres would listen, I simply intended to make myself clear and being clear is your strong suit. Maddeningly so.” Her smile widened; a soft giggle fell from her lips as she turned away.

I realize there is an editing burden involved, but it might be worth the trouble, especially if you intend to publish.

Apart from that, I really liked this part:

“Step back Telpeth…..I have yet to feed and you smell…..tasty.” Obeying her he stepped off the dais, turning his face away but she caught a glimpse of his disgust.

While it may seem a little cliche to some, it really says a lot about Anja's primal nature and her struggle to contain it.

Best of luck in your endeavors!

CB

Grape Juice Vampire
January 15th, 2012, 11:41 PM
Thanks for the input Seabee! Yeah, that's one of my major issues with my software. I have it set to auto punctuate, and as you can see it doesn't always do it. I feel a little silly for not catching those, heh. I'm glad it's coming across about Anja, I love all my characters but she's my favorite and I want to do her justice.

Nevermore
January 15th, 2012, 11:45 PM
The world building put in is very elegant, but I notice you really need to look over use (or lack thereof) of punctuation, especially in the first part.

Grape Juice Vampire
January 16th, 2012, 12:42 AM
Yeah, I know. I'm thinking of just switching off the software, or have it on just pay better attention to where it messes up. Thanks though. I can see now where it's missing.

josh.townley
January 16th, 2012, 02:49 AM
Hi Grape Juice Vampire,

If I were you, I would definitely think about approaching agents and publishers before trying to self publish.

I thought the writing was very good, the setting was interesting, the characters were well developed, and there is potential for a really good story. This looks better than a lot of fantasy I've read, so if I were you I would put everything into making it attractive to agents and publishers before even considering the self-publishing route. This means checking punctuation very carefully, and polishing up the writing a bit, but I think you could have a really good chance.

Thanks for posting!

Grape Juice Vampire
January 16th, 2012, 03:32 AM
Thanks for reading josh. I'm considering that route more and more. I've done more research, the self-publishing process confuses me a little. Though I think that has a lot to do with all the conversion requirements.

Anyway, I will probably post another installment in a few days or so.

Grape Juice Vampire
January 19th, 2012, 01:47 AM
Quick note: I'm going to do some tweaking and continue on with this so i took it off, I appreciate the comments. Next time I post more, it'll be in the workshop.