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jonius
January 9th, 2012, 09:59 PM
Synopsis
Janie has been trapped in her stepfather’s basement for ten years. The cops bust her out, and then her uncle rescues her from the cops. Her uncle, a hotshot lawyer, is arrested. Janie is diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress disorder. She is sent to a mental ward to receive treatment. There she meets David, a songwriter, who she eventually falls in love with, but not without the perils of Disassociation and mental angst. Disassociation is a condition where the patient loses perception of reality, and in her case returns to a child-like state.

In the mental ward Janie is molested, impregnated and forced to abort her baby. David enlists the help of her uncle Yonsen to try and bring justice for Janie, and ultimately to re-examine the rights of the mentally ill. The case almost makes it all the way to the Supreme Court, before tragedy strikes.

jonius
January 10th, 2012, 09:14 AM
I'd like to post a monologue from later in the play.
This is David addressing the jury. Mild profanity used.
DAVID


She is an amazing girl who is going to change the world. She has more heart then any other person I have ever met. She's kind, considerate, funny. She never looks down on anybody. She is passionate, and loyal, and for the most part healthy and full of love. I can forgive the rapist, I can even forgive that lying son of a dog Harris, but I can't forgive the system! The system needs to change! If this could happen to her this could happen to anyone. Imagine for a moment that it's your child, your baby girl. Now imagine she is sick. The system is supposed to help her, but instead they sweep everything under a rug and forget about it! They act as if it never happened. They cover their own Asses and the Asses of their superiors! They don't really care, and those who do are silenced, and forced to conform. It's bloody sick! The mentally ill have just as many rights as the rest of us! They have the right to live good lives, not be discriminated against in jobs, and believe me we are! I'm proud to be bipolar! I'm proud to belong to a minority, and stand up for them with one voice! We are united. I love Janie so much, so I plead you do the right thing. Help us change the system, before it's too late.

qwertyman
January 14th, 2012, 12:43 PM
Hi Jonius, I find it confusing and I can't get my head round the structure.


Synopsis
The cops bust her out, and then her uncle rescues her from the cops. .

Why would she have to be rescued from the cops?


David enlists the help of her uncle Yonsen to try and bring justice for Janie,

Is this Uncle the same as the hot shot lawyer?


In the mental ward Janie is molested, impregnated and forced to abort her baby.

Frankly, anybody, even I could defend someone who's been raped when in state care, it doesn't ring true.


The case almost makes it all the way to the Supreme Court, before tragedy strikes


Why would it have to go to the Supreme Court? - you have to reveal what the tragedy is, you don't have to reveal the outcome (as if we didn't know). You need to show the 'impossible' task that is set for the MCs. Who is the antagonist?

Sorry Jonius, but you have not communicated.

jonius
January 18th, 2012, 03:04 AM
Thank you for your thought provoking opinion.
Yonsen crowder is not a fan of the police. Bad choice of words.
Yes he is the Hotshot lawyer.
AS far as this not ringing true, I strongly dissagree. You obviously haven't spent any time in the system.
It would need to go to the supreme court because of biased jurors who don't know what it's like on the inside. You think this kind of stuff is unrealistic? Tell that to those who suffer. This stuff happens, thats the reason I wrote the play.

qwertyman
January 18th, 2012, 09:40 AM
AS far as this not ringing true, I strongly dissagree. You obviously haven't spent any time in the system.

No I haven't, nor, I imagine, have the majority of other readers. Which means you musn't take it for granted that we have. My remark did not concern the fact that the girl was raped and forced to abort. It refers to how easy it should be to prosecute the offenders. If you are saying it involved a covert cover-up, or the system protects itself and similar rape-claims had been successfully defended or any such reason why it would not be easy - it would be acceptable. Identify the antagonist.

#

Similarily,



It would need to go to the supreme court because of biased jurors who don't know what it's like on the inside.

So the reason is 'biased jurors'. Once again, the logical reason would be the cover-up had been impenetrable and managed to convince the jury that the girl was lying, not that the jury was biased. The whole misunderstanding comes from the failure to communicate that there is a massive cover-up by the system. It's easily fixed, just say that the system is criminally corrupt. Which also identifies the anatgonist.

BabaYaga
January 19th, 2012, 12:58 PM
Hi Jonius,

I have to agree with qwertyman that your original synopsis was a bit confusing (i.e. getting rescued from the cops who rescued her from being locked in a basement for 10 years... what?).

I think it's a strong idea in terms of telling the story of a mentally ill girl who was first neglected by her family and then by the system, now that I understand what message you're trying to convey.

jonius
February 9th, 2012, 02:34 AM
:) Yes Thankyou tremendously both of you

jonius
February 9th, 2012, 03:20 AM
I'll be the first to admit my Synopsis is confusing, Yes that would be the Antagonist Querty man the system. And as easy as it may seem to defend, there are many factors I did not spell out, and this is also just a rough draft, not at all a final copy. So I suppose I must elucidate.
Synopsis
Janie has been trapped in her stepfather’s basement for ten years. The cops bust her out, and then her uncle Yonsen rescues her from who he believes to be the corrupt cops. (Foreshadowing that throughout the play the system is the enemy).

Her uncle, a hotshot lawyer, is arrested. Janie is diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress disorder. She is sent to a mental ward to receive treatment. There she meets David, a songwriter, who she eventually falls in love with, but not without the perils of Disassociation and mental angst. Disassociation is a condition where the patient loses perception of reality, and in her case returns to a child-like state.

In the mental ward Janie is molested, impregnated and forced to abort her baby. David enlists the help of her uncle Yonsen to try and bring justice for Janie, and ultimately to re-examine the rights of the mentally ill. However, the system is surprisingly good at covering its traces. For if anything ever leaked that she was raped in a "State Ward" the media would have a field day. Janie was not in her right mind at the time of the rape. (For those who don't understand mental hospitals deal with things differently then regular institutions, this is part of the sickness of the system.) The Rapist was also deemed not in his right mind. The pregnancy was obviously a problem. After a series of "Tests" the doctor's determined that she was an unfit mother, and uttered a prognosis. Death for the baby. Janie in no way wanted to consent to the killing of her unborn child. However the psychological effects of being thrown into a lockdown room and the prodding of a corrupt doctor she (Not in her right mind) consents.

Yonsen is up against a multi-billion dollar industry. Technically the only Criminal charges are rape (The assailant is not held responsible) and the emotional crime of "Forced" Abortion. If he loses he's never practicing law anywhere ever again. Not to mention he is emotionally attached to his client. This is a huge risk for Yonsen to take.

So perhaps I have defined more clearly to you why the Protagonists are up against difficult if not impossible odds with issues such as "The rights of mentally ill mothers" "Abortion" (In general) and yes "The Depravity of the system"
Thank you for taking the time to critique my poor synopsis. If you want to know more I'll elaborate further at a later date, as this is a work in progress.
Sincerely,
Jonius

riverdog
February 24th, 2012, 06:13 PM
First, forced abortion is much more than an emotional crime. It is assult and battery in the criminal world. And a host of wrongs in the civil world, including assult, batter, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligent infliction of emotional distress, and half dozen other torts.

Second, why will he lose his ability to practice law if he loses. Lone guns go up against the big corporations all the time. Win or lose, they live to fight another day. Unless he does something unethical that will get him disbarred.

Third, even if she comes to a tragic death, that wouldn't stop a case at the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court is an appeals court, the highest in the land. There are no juries, just the judges. They do not resolve conflicts of fact. That is for the lower courts and the juries. They only resolve issues of law. You need an adversarial law if you want to appeal to the Supremes. Judges respect the findings of fact made by juries. If that jury came to that conclusion based on an unconstitutional application of law, then you can appeal. For example, a man is convicted of murder because of a confession he made to the cops under threat of physical harm. That confession should be excluded from evidence, and so would necessitate a new trial, ordered by the appeals court. The Supremes will not look at the facts and say the jury came to an incorrect conclusion.

You may understand the facits of being in the system, but you need to research the law. Otherwise this will never ring true. Unless of course you base it in a story world that is not the US, and has an entirely different judicial system than we have. Like the movie Judge Dredd.

ETA: The Candian Court System is very similar to the US court system. They're both based on the British Courts of Common Law.

Tapatio
March 6th, 2012, 11:06 PM
A lot of novels I've read have all been preceded by lots and lots of research into real science and diseases (Dean Koontz and a book called "The Cobra Event" as examples)

A screenplay like this will probably require a bit of research into law like the other posters have mentioned. But I like the idea so far.

jonius
March 31st, 2012, 02:38 PM
All my scripts, 9 right now are available to read for free at Celtx share, just go to my website, in my signature and follow the link, Go to downloads and then resources. Free to read, comment however you wish, just don't hate on me :)

jonius
March 31st, 2012, 02:40 PM
Celtx is a cheap and phenonom screen writing, script writing tool.