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Higurro
January 8th, 2012, 11:30 PM
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QDOS
January 9th, 2012, 07:23 PM
Hi Higurro

Looking forward to the rest of chapter two.

…and still the discordant noises that seem to run around and back, until forms emerge, are spilling, lapping, pooling into wide lakes of marine, aqua-to and ultra-fro, since time immemorial, until the precise and intimate moment at which heliotropic symmetry robs thee of what faculties still imbibe thy ruinous…


Assuming the italic are to continue as a reference of Fraya’s dreams, maybe a portent. As I said before make sure they reflect the contents of each chapter. The above perhaps a link to Ira’s father and his pending demise, the significance of sunrise, heliotropic, and imbibe thy ruinous.


My suggestion is take out the until and are and rewrite the last section maybe something like this - heliotropic symmetry robs thee of faculties to thwart thy ruin…


QDOS ;-)

Higurro
January 9th, 2012, 11:46 PM
That's a nice way of putting it QDOS. The more I write on this, the more I feel that perhaps the italics sections are getting in the way more than helping. I'm still mulling over the general idea, but I think until I've got something specific in mind I might leave them out. I expect once the whole thing's done I'll be better able to tell what needs to go where, if anything.

Higurro
January 10th, 2012, 01:02 PM
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Higurro
January 11th, 2012, 01:35 PM
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QDOS
January 11th, 2012, 09:23 PM
Hi Higurro
The rest of chapter two didn’t disappoint. I thought you were pulling a fast one, Freya and the rabbit smacked of Alice in wonderland. :drunk:

Typo - Presently the matron appeared satisfied they Freya was in no way lastingly damaged.

mountain hare - the norm is agile as mountain goat, but maybe they don’t have goats in the world of The Mechanical Apostles.

ancient rabbit - I found a bit strange, is your rabbit / fairy dead. Maybe - A very old looking rabbit - would fit better.

QDOS :wink:

Higurro
January 12th, 2012, 10:37 AM
QDOS thanks very much for your feedback! I'm glad you spotted the Alice in Wonderland reference (I did originally have Albert reminding Freya that she's not in some anthropomorphic dreamworld when she's surprised he can talk, but cut it for being cheesy). My use of the word ancient was intended to imply that Albert is much older than a rabbit could ever normally be (being a fairy he has a contract of existance, which has not quite expired yet), though I'll have a think about that one.