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justbishop
January 7th, 2012, 03:46 AM
Heavily revised and moved to Workshop for even further surgery.

justbishop
January 7th, 2012, 03:55 AM
This first chapter is becoming a bit of a thorn in my side, though the select few who have read it say that my fears are completely unfounded. I worry that it's too short, but I'm not sure how much more explanation I can put into it without losing some of the feel of the character not understanding what's happening, herself, or it just seeming like filler. There is quite a bit of exposition on the other characters she mentioned above in chapters 2 and 3, so I don't want to go doing any more of that here. Plus, I figured that the walks down memory lane that come later would not be front and center in her thoughts when experiencing and acclimating to death. Or am I wrong?

Other than that, is it readable? I worry a lot about flow. I have the entire story plotted and outlined, and have skipped around with the writing (I have first drafts of chapters 1-4, chapter 12, and am about 3/4 finished with chapter 6), so I am concerned about things seeming disjointed and not making sense. I ess you'd need to read things on sequence to give accurate opinions on that, but does the detail provided seem reasonable for a first chapter?

Any other comments are welcome, of course, and thanks for taking the time to read :)

justbishop
January 8th, 2012, 04:29 AM
Maybe I should have put this in Workshop?

WriterJohnB
January 25th, 2012, 05:57 PM
It's a good, attention-getting beginning and it flows well. Nice writing, too. Quit worrying. The only nit is a tense change: "everything HAD stopped." Just "everything stopped."

Take care,

JohnB

justbishop
January 26th, 2012, 01:58 AM
Yeah, tense has me tied up in knots in most of what I've written. I will definitely need to go through the entire thing with a fine toothed comb for that once the first draft is done.

And thanks for the compliments! I'm honestly surprised at them...this place intimidates me, lol!