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View Full Version : A Circle in a Spiral (1st draft complete......and revised)



wildie1990
January 2nd, 2012, 10:13 PM
this is the 1st draft of my short story a circle in a spiral enjoy




A Circle in a Spiral


Written By Rick Thorpe

Rainis hitting the moonlit streets hard, water is pouring over the sides of thepavements and onto the damaged roads. The rain water mixes with the oil soaked tarmac to create colourful pools upon an almost grey setting. The streets ge tmore and more deserted as everybody tries to shield themselves from the rain.Street lights flicker as night draws in, revealing more colour on the rainsoaked landscape.

A dark shadowy figure of a man, walks out of a residential complex and begins to travel down towards a local pub. The rain is pounding his long leather coat, as he walks towards his destination. Water running from his hair down across his face, as he wipes away the drops, he sees someone standing in the middle of the road.

“Are you ok?” hes houts to the person. He gets no reply. “Hello, are you alright?” he shouts again. Still no reply. He then sees a set of headlights drawing closer and closer to the figure in the road. “WATCH OUT!!!” he cries, but just as the car is about to hit the figure in the road, it disappears. Wiping more water awayfrom his face, the man is stunned at what he has just seen.

“I could have sworn I just saw….” He stops himself mid sentence as he feels he is sounding crazy. He continues his walk down the rain soaked street towards the pub. As heg ets to the end of the pavement he sees that it has only just opened, so he checks both sides of the road and proceeds to cross. The empty streets seem to unnerve him as he crosses the road but he still proceeds. He walks through the door of the pub, takes his usual seat at the bar and orders his usual bottle of whiskey.

After a few glasses, he begins to think about what he has just seen.

“Was it real? Was I imagining it? How can someone just disappear in the blink of an eye?” he thinks to himself as he takes another shot of whiskey.

This isn’t thefirst time he has seen someone ‘disappear’. Two years ago he saw something similar. He saw a figure of a woman standing on the edge of a bridge. He cried out to her but she jumped, but before her body hit the ground, she disappeared.He tried to tell himself that it was just his mind playing tricks on him. But because of what he saw, he decided to quit his job as the manager of a big marketing company, his reasons were because the stress was getting to him and he needed a break away from what he was doing.

Whilst sitting atthe bar he reflects on his life and tries to rationalize the thing he thinks he’s just seen.

“It’s just my mind playing tricks on me, I must be tired and my eyes are seeing things that aren’t there. Yeah that’s it.” He says to himself.

After an hour, he has emptied the bottle of its contents, hands it back to the barman, gets off the stool he was sat on and heads for the door. He stumbles through it back into the street. The rain had stopped before he exited the building, however the street is still wet, the air is musky and cold and the man stumbles across the road and heads towards the building where he lives.

On his way home,he sees the figure he saw on the way to the pub again, this time he sees it’sthe figure of a woman. He can’t make out her face, but from the way she was dressed he seemed to recognize her, just not where from. He goes up to the figure, just as he’s about to say something, the figure turns and starts to walk away.

“WAIT!” He cries out to her, but she seems to ignore him. He starts to follow her, in hope of catching up, but the faster he moves, the faster she does. He begins to run,she begins to slow, as he catches up to her he puts a hand out as if to touch her shoulder, as he does this she disappears again, causing him to fall, face first on the pavement.

He gets up,brushes himself down, checks to see if anybody is around, but the street is totally deserted, in fact if there hadn’t been any street lights, there would have been nothing on the street. He begins to walk again, blaming the drink for his fall and walks home.

As he walks through his front door, he heads straight for the bedroom. As soon as he makes it into the bedroom, he falls straight on the bed and is instantly asleep.

Memories keep flooding his brain, causing him a restless nights sleep. Flashes of brightlight keep entering his mind. he tosses and turns manically as he tries to fight the torment of memories long gone by. Beats of sweat trickle down hisbody and begin to soak his mattress. After a few minutes, he awakens, sits boltupright, flinging his covers against the wall facing him.

Sittingthere he begins to breath heavily, as if he had been running from something. His breathing begins to slowly decrease when he begins to realize he is in his bedroom, alone.

The smell of the sweat that is seeping out of his pours begins to become pungent in his nostrils, causing his to feel nauseous. He starts to reach for his bedside lamp, but he is to far to reach theswitch, this causes him to over reach and knock the lamp off his bedside table,causing it to smash, with little pieces of the porcelain base scattering aroundhis cluttered bedroom floor, embedding themselves into his dark blue carpet.

He gets out of bed to try and pick up the pieces, a large piece breaks the skin ofh is left foot and as more pressure is placed on it, the deeper it enters his flesh. He screams a high pitched sound as the piece enters his body. Blood begins to trickle out of the seams around the piece of white porcelain, causing it to become stained a deep red. He sits back on his bed and pulls the piece out, causing blood to gush out of the small hole which was created by the lamp shard.

He feels the blood creating a pool around his feet, so he decides he needs to get cleaned up and inspect it.

Venturing towards the bathroom in total darkness, he begins to try and contemplate what he was dreaming. But the more he tried to remember, the more vague the dream became and the blood seeping out of his foot didn't help hiss train of thought.As he limped through the bathroom door, he switches on the light and walks towards the bathroom cabinet.

He opens it up, gets a clean cloth, some disinfectant and begins to clean his wound. He winces in pain as the disinfectant stings his broken skin. He then takes out another cloth from the cabinet and begins to make a makeshift bandage to stop the free flowing blood.

He washes his hands of the fresh and dried blood which was on his hands. now that the puncture in his foot had been bandaged he began to try contemplating yet again about the dream he had that night. He looked into the bathroom mirror asif to try and see if he can determine what happened just based on his reflection.

Staring into the reflective surface, he sees bags under his eyes and his face has started to become gaunt. The longer he stared, a look of realization began to come across his face. He quickly leaves the bathroom and heads towards a rather tatty looking sofa and picks up a writing pad and begins to frantically write.

After writing a number of paragraphs taking up two pages, he folds them up and puts them on the small table in his tatty lounge. He heads back towards his bedroom and begins to get dressed. he goes back to the lounge and picks up the pieces of paper and tucks them in his trouser pocket. He heads towards his front door puts on his jacket whilst opening his front door, turns to look at his apartment, sighs, then closes the door and locks it.

Again the rain is pounding the street, making the water level rise to the height ofthe pavement. He begins to head towards the bridge where he saw the figure of the woman who keeps disappearing whenever he came near to her.

He stands at the point where she disappears, the edge of the bridge which, due to the age of it, began to crumble and decay. As he stands directly on the edge, he looks up, smiles and says "I'm sorry". After these words are spoken, he leaps off.

After a fall of 40 ft, wind rushing past his ears and tears streaming out of his eyes, his body slams into the ground below, as he lies there, blood trickling out of his head, spreading across the ground and draining his life slowly away from him, the figure of the woman comes walking towards him, she kneels by his side, strokes his head and says "I forgive you".

After a short time a passer by sees the body of the man and rushes over to him. He stands in the pool of his blood, takes out a phone from his pocket and rings for an ambulance.

After many minutes the ambulance arrives and the crew try to revive the man but they're efforts were in vain, as the light of the mans life had been blown out.

As the paramedics lift the man into the ambulance, the note, which he had written earlier, fell out of his pocket. The wind blows it open. The passer by notices it, picks it up and passes it to a paramedic just before the ambulance doors close.

"This fell out of his pocket, it could be important" the passer by says.

The paramedic nods before shutting the door. He begins to read and discovers it is the mans suicide note. As he reads more and more, the paramedic begins to feel sorry for the man who was lying dead in the back of the ambulance.

Then ote consists of the man telling of how he failed to help his wife in herbattle against a very rare and vicious strain of cancer, chemotherapy was failing and as her time grew shorter shebecame more and more desperate to end her life. As he drove home from work one afternoon he saw her standing on the edge of the bridge. As he got out of his car to try and stop her from jumping, however as soon as she saw him, she smiled and leaped to her death.

He entered an inescapable fit of depression and began drinking so heavily that he even forgot who his wife was or even who he was. Towards the end he began to realize he was having visions of a mysterious woman, who turns out to be the ghost of his wife trying to help him ease his pain. When he realized who the ghostly figure was he knew he had to end what he considered torment and so decided to take his own life on the very bridge she did.

The last words of the note read "I failed her as a husband, I failed as aworker, I failed in life, I only hope in death that she can forgive me"









End

bazz cargo
January 17th, 2012, 10:43 PM
Hi Wildle,
A nice short story with a well rounded ending.

You have a powerful imagination, but need to work a bit on the technical side. There are a few typos and some tense issues. Also the flow of words is a little stilted.

The descriptions were about perfect, not too detailed so a reader can add to suit. All in all I found it a very readable piece that needs a polish.

wildie1990
January 18th, 2012, 12:09 AM
thank you very much for the feedback, very much appreciated. I'm looking to improve it so hopefully it will be better