View Full Version : Losers Don't Make Titles

December 29th, 2011, 04:33 AM
This instructional essay will not only get you out of shape, help you lose your confidence, and make you unattractive towards your opposing gender, but will probably have you commit suicide from lack of being anyone and if not will empty your soul into a destitute, solemn, waste barren state that will dry you of any emotion except for the one that counts!

There is a certain artless art to endure in the lifestyle of a loser; the art itself would be to perpetually commit irrefutable failure at any given task. Some would say that

the path of a loser is the easy path, but they are obviously proven wrong, because a loser must walk down a path of jagged, skin-cutting rocks before he realizes that he should

stick to a dirt road. There is nothing easy about waking up every morning to the bitter, jarring, disdainful bane in which your reality marginally allows you to perceive.

The process of this…remarkable choice of living is a painstaking, load full of work, which consumes about the same amount of time as a full-time job. You cannot spend a

waking moment to lax on the responsibilities of a loser; you must spend as much time sleeping them off. It is a strenuous task to master the way of the loser, but luckily for you,

you will have a pro show you the ropes.

First, you must make sure that you have slept in most of the day. If you wake up around 12 pm, make sure to force yourself back for another 2 to 3 hours of repose.

Remember, you probably don’t want to wake up to your daunting life, so, don’t get up until your muscles ache from stiffness in bed. DO NOT wake up to an alarm clock. A loser

must always procrastinate as much as possible. This means hit the snooze button as many times as necessary until the clock gives up on you and accepts that your worthless

sack of bones isn’t going to get up any time soon.

Now, you must make sure that you wake up to the right environment. The last thing you want to do, as an aspiring loser, is to wake up to a glimpse of hope that signals a

minuet reminiscence of succession. There is a list of things that will further assist you in perfecting the motif of your surroundings, they go as follows: toss clothes when looking

for what to wear; move things that are on the floor to be able to currently pass, so you can be obstructed at some other time; set all important documents in tucked away

corners that are away from visible sight; throw shoes under bed after a long day of slacking, but preferably only one, try to throw the other one far from the bed so you can

derail any sense that it might be under there; keep guitars out of tune, to stay unmotivated from picking them back up; stuff all shelves with expendable papers to occupy

beneficial space; mix dirty clothes with clean ones in a mounted pile; clean comforter, bed sheets and pillowcases every two months (to avoid sleeping too long in masturbated

semen puddles) and make sure to never stuff pillows back into their respectful cases after they have been stripped off; never make your bed. Let go, lose the hygiene and

embrace imprudence.

After you have woken up, it is urgent to pick out a cigarette from your pack and immediately smoke it. Defer from eating breakfast, taking a shower, exercise, and walking the

dog (any satisfaction that you try to grant your dog might bring forth an attempt for the animal to cheer you up or can cause productivity in your relationship). It is important to

smoke cigarettes first thing in the morning. People that smoke within the hour of their arousal have a 65 % increase in lung, mouth, or throat cancer. So, smoke up, and make

sure to suck away until it reaches the orange speckled butt. By now, you should already be dampening your vigor and entering into a state of lassitude. If you do not smoke

cigarettes, then what are you waiting for? They’re highly addictive, a good way to thin out your wallet, have over three thousand toxic chemicals, create wrinkles, sags your face,

can produce several cancers and heart failure and will have you breathless.

If you are wondering on how to go about your day as a loser, then do not fret, it is simple, you don’t. Any slight hint of productivity should be shut down and replaced with time

consuming distractions that will dig you deeper from the surface in which you have control over. Yes, in order to maintain losery, you must inhibit all potential power to direct

yourself, otherwise, you might deviate from the despondency that you possess and start taking charge of what actually needs to be getting done. As losers, we do not get

anything done. So, with that being said, partake in some TV watching, smoke pot, play inane games on the internet, sleep some more, day dream, chat with your friends about

nothing, count the tiles on the ceiling, eat yourself to obesity, spy on neighbors, or watch pornography and masturbate (masturbation is a great way to vent out any hope of

getting laid and will desensitize you from sexual pleasure). Whatever it is that you chose to waste your time on, just make sure you waste your time. If you have wasted enough

hours, in enough days, then it will become easier to dissuade yourself from ever doing anything again.

There are also some helpful habits that you can pick up which will help develop you into a deadbeat that no one wants to be a part of. This will insure your deprivation of

friends, which is very important. Friends mean support and support is something that we shun as losers, either out of self-pity or simply because friends are usually the leading

prevention of suicide. Anyways, the paramount habit to delve into is eating. What you eat, is what you are. Try to use that saying as a reminder of the worthless, piece of

hogwash that you are, who would have done the world a greater service if you have died a fetus and been donated for stem cell research. With that mentality, nothing will

obstruct your belligerent eating dispositions. Engulf in fatty foods. Rivet your appetite with MacDonald’s mystery burgers. Entice yourself everyday with sweets, pastries and

teeth-decaying candy. Make sure, also, to attack these meals in a ravenous manner; never pace yourself, eat as fast as you can. This will induce the chances of getting clogged

arteries, another great way of causing medical problems for your bodies. Note: anything that will bring you closer to death, or lead to a medical condition due to a dissipated

lifestyle, is the perfect way to lose at life. Just remember, never recuperate hope.

Now that you have a general gist of how to really indulge yourself in the contemptuous life of a loser you can start ritualizing these steps into your daily routine. Remember;

don’t try to get any funny ideas, like planning a future or involving yourself in any absurd contingencies. Just keep it simple and just do what you were meant to do: rot in an

oblong world as the tiny little speckle you are.

December 29th, 2011, 04:36 AM
Unfortunately, due to the process of copy and paste from word to WF the paragraphs did not appear indented. I apologize in advance.

December 30th, 2011, 11:35 AM
Ya, no indents. Don't know why. You spend a bunch of time doin it twice and it still don't work. You gotta go back and "space between" 'em. Just look at other peoples' submissions. Also, I don't think you can "edit" titles. I've got at least one mistake that is "permanent".