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ByronArnold
December 28th, 2011, 12:30 AM
The child stared at the alien. Never before had she seen something so beautiful, yet so ugly."We must hurry. You are in danger."The child did not know what danger was. Only knew that this creature was so beautiful. Yet also so ugly."That mob out there killed your father. They mean to kill every member of the royal family before the day is through."Terror started to creep into the child's eyes. She loved her father. While she did not know what death was, she did know that it meant she would never see her father again. Just like she hadn't seen her mother in a few years.The alien gestured for her to follow, and headed towards the door. The child followed. He led her into a library, then pulled a book off the far wall. The bookshelf swung forward to reveal a secret passage. The child dutifully followed.After quite a while, they emerged in some woods. The alien led her to a road, where a van was waiting. They both climbed in, and the driver took off."The king survived, and has put down the riots," the driver reported."Only a small wrinkle in our plans," said the alien, "The child will fetch us a fortune in ransom. Our war against the king will be well funded."

Razzazzika
December 28th, 2011, 01:32 PM
First thing that leaps out at me: Formatting. Dear god it's just a wall of text!

I suppose the premise is good. There's a certain irony in the girl trusting her keeper, who in turn really turns out to be the bad guy, but... why an alien?
I mean, it would have worked just as easily if it were a knight in shining armor (if it were a medieval setting, which the van/radio claims it is not), or even better a man in a black suit, the image of a secret service agent. 'King' also is a iffy word to use in today's world. How many Monarchies do you know about in today's modern world? Not very many I'll tell you that. Sure, Britain has a royal family, but they're not the head of state. That's how a lot of European countries are nowadays. It might be better if she were the 'President's' daughter or something like that.
Also, you don't have to be completely ambiguous, using the word 'child' all the time, you clearly said 'She loved her father', thus giving the child gender, so you can say the girl once or twice.

EDIT: also, I realize it's supposed to be short, but you really could use more descriptions. I just went to this site http://www.flashfictiononline.com/f20111001-all-mimsy-kelly-wright.html and looked at another flash fiction to get an idea of what I was supposed to be looking at, and the story in the link above seemed a lot more 'put together' than yours. There were far more descriptions, it was just a tad bit longer in turn, but it did wonders for the storytelling.

Dramatism
December 28th, 2011, 04:24 PM
@Razzazzika (cool username, BTW), I mostly agree, especially with the descriptions. But as for the king part... haven't you heard that democratic governemnts are really unstable, and that they will most likely fall? Like Rome was democratic, but it ended up becoming kingdoms after its fall. I think that could happen again, and since this is probably the future, I don't see it as a problem.

Maybe you should also mention why the child trusts the alien. Is it because she is in awe of its looks? Because he just seems like a trustworthy authority figure?

It is good, overall.

ByronArnold
December 28th, 2011, 04:57 PM
Sorry about the wall of text! I wrote it in a text editor and then pasted it when I posted it. It seems there are formatting incompatibilities between the two... Anyways, I edited it a little, and here is what I got now:


The child stared at the alien. Never before had she seen something so beautiful, yet so ugly.

"We must hurry. You are in danger."

The child did not know what danger was. Only that this alien was the head of her Father's palace security, and well trusted by him.

"That mob out there killed your father. They mean to kill every member of the royal family before the day is through!"

Terror started to creep into the little girl's eyes. While she did not know what death was, she did know that it meant she would never see her father again. She loved her father very much and feared for him.

The alien gestured for her to follow, and headed towards the door. The child followed. He led her into a library, then pulled a book off the far wall. The bookshelf swung forward to reveal a secret passage.

After quite a while, they emerged in some woods. The alien led her to the nearest road, where an unmarked van was waiting for them. They both climbed in. The driver, another alien, took off.

"The king survived, and has put down the riots," the driver reported.

"Only a small wrinkle in our plans," said the first alien, "The Crown Princess will fetch us a fortune in ransom. Our war against the king will be well funded. Soon it will be our kind, not the humans, that will rule this world."

Razzazzika
December 28th, 2011, 05:25 PM
Only that this alien was the head of her Father's palace security, and well trusted by him.
Aha! A reason for the trust! Jolly good.

But yeah, you're right Dramatism, must be the future. Kinda like an Alien Nation thing going on.

ByronArnold
December 29th, 2011, 10:46 PM
Aha! A reason for the trust! Jolly good.But yeah, you're right Dramatism, must be the future. Kinda like an Alien Nation thing going on.

I do not understand the reference to "Alien Nation". But yeah, it was meant to be set in the future. A world in the grips of a civil war between aliens and humans.

I am thinking of writing a prequel to explain why the chief of security, who had always been loyal to the King, decides to betray him. Something along the lines of he had been shielded from the oppression most his people face by humans, but he sees it face to face one day.

Maybe, if I write enough flash fiction in this series, I will have enough material to turn it into a short story someday? ... :D

Rob
December 29th, 2011, 11:21 PM
How many Monarchies do you know about in today's modern world? Not very many I'll tell you that. Sure, Britain has a royal family, but they're not the head of state.
Actually, in Britain the monarch is the head of state.

Rob
December 29th, 2011, 11:33 PM
I didn't get a sense of the child's age here. In some ways the child is spoken of as if very young, while in others as quite old. Understanding something that can be beautiful yet ugly seems to me like quite a grown up concept, yet the child doesn't understand what death is, something children tend to pick up at a pretty early age, even if only at a simple level. Either way, the child is something of a passive participant here. Other than terror creeping into her eyes, she does nothing, says nothing. We're told that one of the characters in this story is an alien, but I'm left wondering why. There's nothing particularly alien about its behaviour. It might as well be human, for all the difference it makes to the story. And at the end, I'm left thinking this story needs something more in order to make an impression. It's a worthwhile attempt, but I think it needs a stronger reason for being.

Razzazzika
December 30th, 2011, 12:09 AM
I do not understand the reference to "Alien Nation". But yeah, it was meant to be set in the future. A world in the grips of a civil war between aliens and humans.
*Gasp* You never watched Alien Nation? Good movie. Had a spinoff tv series, that lasted only one season. It's basically set in a parrallel universe(not necessarily the future) where aliens coexist on earth with humans.
Alien Nation (1988) - IMDb (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094631/) - movie
Alien Nation (TV Series 1989–1990) - IMDb (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096531/) - tv show
It's not up on netflix or hulu or anything to stream... If you have netflix DVD you can rent it, but otherwise you'd have to find a copy somewhere.

Actually, in Britain the monarch is the head of state.
Oh, I should do more research before posting then. I thought they were just figureheads.

ShatteredUniverse
December 30th, 2011, 11:57 PM
Oh, I should do more research before posting then. I thought they were just figureheads.

The distinction you're looking for is head of government. The monarch isn't the head of government in the U.K., but she is the head of state. In the United States, by contrast, the President is both. It's a really easy mistake to make, though, so you haven't committed a grievous error.

Rob
December 31st, 2011, 09:44 AM
The distinction you're looking for is head of government. The monarch isn't the head of government in the U.K., but she is the head of state. In the United States, by contrast, the President is both. It's a really easy mistake to make, though, so you haven't committed a grievous error.
Not a grievous error? Suggesting that the Queen isn't the head of state? Why, it's practically treason. People have gone to war over less. I'm surprised the forum rules permit it. Whatever next?

ShatteredUniverse
December 31st, 2011, 07:02 PM
Not a grievous error? Suggesting that the Queen isn't the head of state? Why, it's practically treason. People have gone to war over less. I'm surprised the forum rules permit it. Whatever next?

True, people have gone to war over less, but that alone doesn't make going to war any more sensible. :ChainGunSmiley: Like I said, the distinction between the two terms can be pretty subtle. It's not like Razzazzika meant an intentional affront to the Queen.

Elipsis
January 1st, 2012, 12:21 AM
I would like to see you elaborate on this. Some back story or something. This would be a good way to start a larger story since it does get you wondering what is going on.