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Italy
December 17th, 2011, 04:02 PM
This is still being written, and so you may find yourself stopping in the middle of a paragraph. Any and all critique would be greatly appreciated. I'm also looking for a better title, do you have any ideas?

Chapter One

My chest heaves. Beads of sweat roll down my face, trickling past my eyes as I push one last club chair into place. Stepping back, I admire my handiwork- there are three chairs, situated around a small wooden coffee table. A break would be in my best interest right now. My arms are not used to moving furniture that weighs this much around and are limp; the heaviest thing I've ever moved before, I believe, was a bulky easel and a briefcase full of art supplies to match. The easel was of course much lighter than most furniture. As I lay back, thoughts of what I am planning for all this furniture flood my mind. This very room, this very ground floor of this very building, will be a cafe. It's a small one, granted, but I won't need much room if it will just be a few friends and the occasional patron. The cafe, Northcote Coffee, is meant to be an adytum. With the entrance tucked away, that shouldn't be a problem- not many people who are interested in drinking coffee and chilling out will wander into dark alleyways.
Enough daydreaming, though. I stand up, stretch my limbs and stride over to some boxes by the door. "Milk steamer, coffee brewers, coffee grinders, tea brewers," I say, reading the labels that have been stuck onto the boxes, "Ah, here it is." There's a box labeled "Espresso Maker".

Remember, this is not finished.


I'm chickening out on this one and just dropping it. I don't see how I'll be able to make this work. Thanks for the critique.

Insomnia7098
December 24th, 2011, 04:13 AM
Hi Italy,

There's not terribly much to critique here. What there was, I liked. It had a structured pace and seemed that the environment and setting were pretty well rooted. I'm a little worried about the content, though. Nothing really popped or jumped out at me and, had this pattern continued for a few more paragraphs, I'd probably quit reading this piece. Like I said, it's well written enough, just a lack of flavor and conflict. I'd recommend including one or the other (preferably, both) as soon as possible. (Man, I hate myself for saying this. This is one of the most annoying things to get back as a reply and I almost always seem to want to tell the criticizer that they need to give the work a chance. That if they just read a little further, it would work itself out. Unfortunately, I've found that this is not the case and that a hook is very much needed.)

If you're willing to and find yourself with some extra time, try experimenting and changing up your style. Right now it seems a little run-of-the-mill. I'm not saying that your writing is bad or that you can't write (I really hope that you don't take it that way), but this piece seems to lack... I don't know.... a voice. A unique and defining characteristic and charm.

But that's just my opinion.

Keep up the good work.

- Insomnia

IgorS
December 29th, 2011, 02:32 AM
It is nice but where is the rest. Before you post a story put some effort into it. This way, others will do the same with their critique.

Italy
December 31st, 2011, 03:09 AM
Insomnia- Thanks. This piece isn't great, but I'm trying to improve and if I can find the time I'll tweak this and finish it.
Igor- Yes, I know there's no effort. This is a work in progress. Anyways, I haven't had much time to finish lately but as I stated above I will try to do so.

egpenny
December 31st, 2011, 11:23 PM
Nice start. I have to agree with insomnia, not much going on, but then it's just a start. The only nit I see to pick is where you have...As I lay back...the only action the MC has taken is to step back, so what is he/she laying back on?
One other thing, the word adytum isn't in my American dictionary, what is it? Keep writing.

Italy
January 2nd, 2012, 05:20 PM
Egpenny: Thanks, but I won't keep writing, at least not on this piece. "Adytum" means a sacred or private place.