View Full Version : A Birthday Present Called Revenge

Nazgul Killer
December 12th, 2011, 01:19 AM
Hey guys. Been a while.

Anyway, I've written something rather recently that I'm quite proud of. I would like to see what you guys think.

A Birthday Present Called Revenge

Having someone care for you as deeply as you care for them is often underrated. Having someone who cares for you more than you care for them is often used...

We were lying on her bed, acting as any young teenage couple would and, as usual, she took the initiative. In fact, she would take the initiative in every aspect of our relationship... And I don't remember minding that at all.
Well, that August night would turn out to be a little different than I had planned, as she had already planned. Her room was drenched with the smell of flowers, littered with candles all over; It was my birthday, she wanted me never to forget this day.
On her desk to the left of the pink sheeted bed, on her table behind us next to the door... All of the candles made the room too dim and romantic for me, but I again let her take the reins as I normally would.
We swapped loving kisses and caresses along with tender words that warm summer night... Until she had done something unexpected, at least it was for me. She had told me that she loves me. Or loved, at least.
Love. I was 17. What the hell did I know about love?
"I love you, Steve" she said, and even in the dim candle light I could see and sense the look of expectation Shirli gave me. What was I to do? I was 17. I lied.
"I love you too" I said hesitantly. She smiled and did something I had hoped for her to do for months, she grabbed me as I was on top of her and whispered;
"I want to give you your birthday gift... Take me"
I did as she asked. So what if I didn't love her? Would you have done anything different? She convinced me it was a birthday gift. I was 17. I lied to myself.

The day after that I had woken up terrified. Love?... I had ignored her completely at school, did not return her text message and thoroughly avoided her. I felt bad. I lied to her and chose to evade her rather than face her... I never knew how hurt she was... I was 17. I lied.

A few days later, I still ignored her and had gone out with some of my friends, one of them, a very attractive girl named Jenny, had 'locked onto' me, as my friends often put it. I took her home that day, only to be invited in by her and her mischievous smile.
I was 17.
By the week after that, Jenny had told just about half the school of that night, and I hadn't heard from Shirli again. It was as if she disappeared. No texts, no calls, no bumping into each other and no warnings from my friends of her location. She was gone.

" I loved you" I heard a voice behind me. I quickly turned and there she stood, Shirli. Three years had gone past to the day, she had shown up at my birthday part. I was 20... I apologized. I asked to explain but my pleas fell on deaf ears. I don't know why I cared so much, we moved on with our lives... I was 20, I lied to myself.

"I'm so sorry..." I told her. I saw her walking up to me at Campus just as I was heading toward my party. I was 25... I regretted it. She was still hurt.

"It's fine, I moved on" She told me smugly. This time I didn't want to have a party. I was 28... I was devastated.

"How are you?" I asked her... I was 32... I was stuck in the past. She had a husband. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of horrible fate is this to keep running into her on my birthdays.

"The past is the past" She said with a sly smile, holding her child... I was 39... She haunted my memories.

"I shouldn't have done that" I told her on my deathbed. Fate would have it that at 43 I would perish due to reasons unknown to this very day, and that she would be the doctor to treat me.
"Where's your family?" She asked coldly, looking at a balloon attached to my bed that said 'Happy Birthday!'
"My parents are dead" I responded... I was 43... I was alone. "I'm sorry Shirli" were my last words. I was 43... I loved her.

Dedicated to those whom I have loved.

Criticism is welcome! ^.^

December 12th, 2011, 06:47 PM
It's not bad. Sort of...O'Henry or Poe'ish...original, though.
The first lines: too preachy. Just get to the story, that's the good part. You could start all the way down at "We were..."
" on all fo..." Yer makin' me blush here. I'm American, and to us, sex is dirty. We like our "positions" described only in "dirty" stories. This isn't one of those, is it?
Texting at seventeen. 43 now. Hmmm...that would make it about 19...eh...slash the 4, and carry the 1...
Spellcheck! Does this site have spellcheck? 'probably blasphemy, but I need spellcheck.
The last part: you're dead and yet you're still writing. It's been pulled off before but I don't think you've quite done it here. How? I have no clue.

Nazgul Killer
December 12th, 2011, 11:18 PM
I'm afraid I simply copy-pasted it from my notepad on my computer - Which doesn't have spellcheck.

In any way, I do see your point about the first few lines, but due to recent events in my life I will keep the first one if you don't mind. Recent events of my life have triggered me to writing this story, and the first line is one of the lines who I see as most meaningful.

About the sex part, I had averted anything truly dirty there - Just wanted to depict the situation as I had imagined it. And yes, as for the ages - There's a reason I didn't mention a year, a name of a school or monetary status. As far as I recall we had text messages way back then in 1995. I intentionally didn't add any dates to this story.

Now, as for the being dead and still writing part, I've read plenty of books and stories that were narrated by the hero while the hero in fact died at the end. Besides, the story would lose its lose any edge it ever had if the hero hadn't died, or if the hero hadn't been narrating. Imagination is a friend to the reader, as it is also a friend to the writer, you could imagine it is a ghost of him, a memory of him... Or maybe even how she thought he felt, or wanted him to feel.

In any way, I wanted to ask you about the end part; What do you think happened to him?

December 15th, 2011, 03:37 AM
Mysterious death...only 43....she poisoned him, something undetectable. He'd likely guess that, too. How does "Birthday" tie in?

December 16th, 2011, 04:55 PM
I think it's tragic, in more than just the obvious, that he had an opportunity at true love and missed it out of fear (?) Also, I wanted more - it almost seems like a bare bones version of a much longer story - I don't understand why he is still so hung up on her years later, especially if he is lying so much (to himself more than anyone? but then his other lies were or weren't lies?) It creates a lot of questions without providing emotionally satisfying answers. The bare statement of facts without any conveyance of regret or emotional reaction on his part does not leave me feeling very sympathetic with him. My reaction is, "get over it. You had your chance." I know that sounds harsh, but like I said, I wasn't compelled to feel sorry for him.

Nazgul Killer
December 17th, 2011, 09:45 PM
@Kevin - Well, to be honest this was pretty much a work in progress that I was excited about, so I posted it with little thought. I wanted to tie in the Birthday part, and I will add it in editing.

@Trent - I see. Well, to be honest I left this story pretty much as vague as I could to keep people guessing as to what happened, why, when and add the details they wish with their own imagination with their own life experiences. My main goal here was to show that he wasn't the only one stuck in the past, to show that she followed him around and made sure he won't forget her, making his life miserable and ending it with his death. That's where the revenge comes in, but as I said to Kevin, this was a work in progress that I wanted to throw out into the air already due to excitement, and I think it was the right call. There's nothing better than some constructive criticism to help you on your way.

Thanks for helping me on my way with this, this is one of the pieces I'm most proud of. I just wanted to write a few nights ago and before I even noticed I had finished writing it. Editing was necessary, of course, and that's why I put it up here - So you guys can help me on my way to making this an accomplished piece and I must say that you are, I'm loving all the changes I've made up until now and I think this piece is well on its way to be one of the finest I've ever written, so thank you!
Also, if you can please tell me what you guys think of it now? After I've edited it?