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Kevin
December 9th, 2011, 06:29 AM
"So, you're still going with me, right?" He looked up from the couch. His big sister had asked him something.

"Going where?"

"To the football game with me. You said you'd go with me."

"Oh, ya, um...sure." He didn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was bored with t.v. He'd seen this movie before. Why not? he thought.

"You SAID you'd go." she repeated. "Well? We need to leave." At sixteen, she was five years older than him, and, at five foot six, several inches taller. She outweighed him by twenty lbs, but recently, during their last wrestling match, she had burst out with, "Oh my god, I can't beat you up anymore!" She didn't know that he'd been about to give up. He was proud that she had quit first. After that, she seemed to have a new respect for him. Now she had to ask him for things, not demand them.

" I don't understand, I thought that the games don't start till six ?"

" They do, but we have to take the bus to get there, and we need to leave now." She was starting to get that screetch to her voice.

"Okay, okay. I said I'd go."

.................................................. .....................

They got off the bus and walked toward the school. The sun had gone down. They waited in line to pass through the gates. To him, except for some minor differences, it looked just like his sister's high school, except for one thing; the students. He noticed that there was a lack of blonde heads. He also noticed that people seemed to be staring at them. Everyone had dark hair. Either dark brown or black, and they just 'looked' different.

"Where are we, anyway?" he asked

" Van Nuys High. Why?" She, with her ghostly white, pale skin, and he, with his long blonde hair, definetly stood out. As they passed on their way to the stands, the people would look at them, a second longer than usual, and then continue on...

" So are we here for that guy, what's his name?"

""What guy?" she asked, trying to sound like she didn't know...

"Oh, come on. The guy in the marching band. The one you like." Now he knew for sure why they'd come. If he'd been able to see it in the evening gloom, he might've noticed a sudden redness to her face.

" You know, the one you go to all the games to see. Does he even know? I mean, does he even know you like him?"
He remembered the guy's name now, "Roger." No more than two weeks earlier, they'd gone to another game, and she had pointed him out. He just looked like some guy in the marching band to him, nothing special. That was at her school, the local school, but now they were miles away in some part of town he didn't know...

"Ssh! He's right over there."

They spent the next hours up in the stands, surrounded by students and family from the hometeam. No one said anything to them. His sister didn't cheer when her school made a touchdown. She ignored the game altogether. The only thing that seemed to excite her at all was when, at halftime, the marching band came out and played. She even let slip a "there he is." He was bored and it was starting to get cold.

Finally, the game was over. They left the school grounds and crossed the street. By this time the busses had all quit running. They stood and waited on the sidewalk. Soon, everyone else were gone. Across the street, the gates to the school were chained shut. The streets were well lit, but deserted. Every so often, a car would pass by. They were by themselves, on the sidewalk, waiting.

"So, who's supposed to pick us up?" he asked again.

"Mom is.'" she answered

"So then, where is she? It's getting late and I'm starting to get cold."

"I know, me too."

"Well, why don't you go call. I'll wait here in case she shows up while your gone."

She left and found a payphone up the street. A few minutes later she came back. They waited. Someone shut off the lights to the football field. Occasionally, a car would pass. He would stare into the cars and the people would stare back. A lowered chevy impala drove past slowly with four young men in white t-shirts and flannel jackets. The young men all stared back at them. They were hard looks at first, and then recognizing something, they lost interest and drove on. A police car came by. The officers looked them up and down but did not stop. He felt out of place. They were out of place. An hour went by. His sister left again to call from the payphone. Now he was definetly cold. He was shivering. He began thinking that if another police car came by, they should ask for a ride. For a second, he felt like he might start to cry, but he stopped himself. It wouldn't help anyway. By the time his sister came back, his teeth were chattering.

"What happened? What did they say? Where's Mom at?" He was so cold now, and tired... and starting to get angry.

"She hadn't left yet."

'What do you mean? What did she say?!"

"She said she would leave in a few minutes.."

"What?! That's just crazy! You need to call back and find out if she left."

"No! I just called...she said she was leaving."

Another hour went by. She left again and came back. This time their older brother had answered the phone. No, he had said, Mom hadn't left yet. She was in her room, on the bed. He said he had tried to get the car keys from her, but she had refused, saying that she would do it, and to just give her a few minutes. He said he wouldn't be able to come get them until after she had passed out. There was nothing they could do, so they waited. Around midnight, a car pulled up. It was their father. He seemed annoyed. They drove home in silence, and the boy thought to himself that he wasn't half as annoyed as I am. When they got home his mother was fast asleep. "Never again." he thought. "I will NEVER rely on her again."

literateparakeet
December 16th, 2011, 11:51 AM
I like your "voice", your writing style. It's crisp and clean. I think you need more of a hook though...something more to help the reader either care about one of the characters or some interest in what is going to happen. I need something more to help me care about the main character. The part at the end about the mom being drunk felt abrupt to me...perhaps a little foreshadowing before you get to that point would help...for example, a quick thought about going to the game with his sister so he wouldn't have to stay home with their mother who would likely be drunk.

DanielR1994
January 10th, 2012, 03:21 AM
I like the story. It is very well written and pretty much every high school student can relate to this. I know I can.

bazz cargo
February 5th, 2012, 01:29 PM
Hi Kevin,
I liked your vent bit so much I came hunting for more. Glad I did.

I liked this a lot. It was easy to relate with and easy to read. There was plenty of overt under-current. A neat trick.

IP has a point in giving Mom a bit more show earlier on. Sometimes it makes sense to sow innocuous seeds and then reap the twist.

This is not a criticism; this is an international forum so a hint that it is American football and not soccer would help ground the reader.

Thanks for a great read.

Tee Bee
April 17th, 2012, 03:32 PM
Hi Kevin,

I think you start too many sentences with 'He', 'She' or 'They'. Try starting with other words to mix it up a bit. It took a while to get into your story, and the drunken mother was a good unexpected twist. Good grammar and punctuation.

grimreaper
April 18th, 2012, 03:11 PM
Nice writing style. Also the content , so far as it has gone , is very good. I look forward to reading more of your story.

Kevin
April 19th, 2012, 05:02 AM
TeeBee- you have pointed out something that I never thought of. Made me go back and see if there was some alternatives. I didn't want to give names but I did think I could use sister and brother for at least some of those. Wonder what else I could do? Thank you.
grim- non-fiction piece...don't know if I'll go back there (in my head) for a while. I didn't like it much, back then. I look forward to reading your works, too. I hope I can offer something constructive. Thank you.-K


Also,about the title:
Once you submit you can't edit the title. I've messed that up a few times. I would add something to this one as per Bazz' suggestion.

Gravehound
April 23rd, 2012, 08:13 PM
In my opinion the conversation was very smooth and realistic. Cudos
Hope to read the next part (hope there is a next part)

Cheers GHound