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cassie30
December 6th, 2011, 09:59 PM
As I dug into the story it all began to make sense. Who am I you ask? I am Private Investigator Peter Paul. Our tale begins with Jimmy. Jimmy never felt he belonged in the Stewart family. Because of that he felt like an outsider. In turn he had a troubled youth; which was made worse by the fact his parents wanted him gone. Further more he always got into fights and he always won. Now to me Jimmy looked like n ordinary kid. As I observed him I noticed that he ran a large blue comb through his blonde hair. When he looked in the mirror his blue eyes smiled back at him. Yes i am a spy as well. In the Stewart house he shared a room with his brother Kris. Kris on the other hand had curly blonde hair and green eyes that shone in the light. When they stood side-by-side Kris towered over Jimmy. This made Jimmy feel small and insuffient. He often hid in the closet of his sisters’ room. From this vantage point he spied on Caitlin and Cassandra. Jimmy loved the way Caitlin’s brown hair shone when she brushed it; but her gray eyes seemed elusive to him. Cassandra on the other hand had short blonde hair that she kept curled but her brown eyes gave no hint of love. When they stood next to each other Cassandra seemed to tower above Caitlin. After one interview Jimmy admitted that he was teased a lot especially about his skin color. He told me that Kris often called him paleface. And because of this he decided to runaway. He also realized his family didn’t want him and he didn’t want his family. Therefore he ran to his neighbor’s house. His neighbor Mrs. Toney was surprised to see him on her front porch. He begged her not to call his parents. After my interview with Mrs. Toney, I found out she called Mrs. Stewart. Her and her husband Mr. Toney talked with Mrs. Stewart. What they found out was she was looking for a foster home for Jimmy. Averil Toney asked Stella why she needed a foster home for Jimmy. Stella admitted Jimmy was adopted and she had trouble raising him. Armed with that information Averil and Marwin talked. As the interviews continued I noticed that Jimmy, Kris, and Jonathan looked alike. Jonathan seemed scared of Jimmy. I soon found out that Jimmy beat up Jonathan a lot. Mr. and Mrs. Marwin Toney were also surprised to see the resemblances between the boys. The deeper I dug the more I began to realize Stella was the brain behind the whole ordeal. For example, after Averil agreed to foster Jimmy Stella profusely thanked Averil and Marwin. But then she smiles sinisterly. Stella planned everything from the paper work to thinking Averil was a bitch that fell for her sinister plot. One day I caught her as she snickered all the way home to her husband Kyle. Through some spying I heard her tell Kyle of her victory. Then I saw them high five each other. As my investigation progressed I saw Stella deliver the paper work the next day that signed over her and Kyle’s parental rights. How she managed to have the paper work ready in twenty-four hours is beyond me. As Averil stood over the table lamp the light made her silky, golden blonde hair shine. Hr skin color looked like light tea and her hazel green eyes shone bright when she smiles. He was taller than his wife by four inches. Over his smoky brown eyes he wore glasses. He had the most gorgeous curly brown hair that Averil loved to run her hands through. Now she told me his dark chocolate skin shinned as he showered. After school that same day Jimmy went to his old home and found out his parents changed the locks. He sighed and headed to the Toney house where he now lived. At 527 Charleston Place Mrs. Toney w annoyed Jimmy was late getting home. Jimmy told me told me that he yelled at his new foster mom. The reason he yelled was because she yelled at him. He also told me how he gotten detention. What Averil did next shocked me. She called Jimmy a dumb kid for getting detention. Which sent Jimmy into the guest bedroom crying. She quickly apologized. After having heard Jimmy crying Averil went to his room. I saw her knock and slowly she creaked open the door. Then I heard her say do want do want to talk about it. I saw him nod at Averil as he sobbed. Then he wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and cleared his throat. Finally I had my big interview with Jimmy. And here is what he told me: “From the time I was five I knew the Stewarts adopted me. At the same time they started placing me into foster care. Within a month my new family would return me to return me to my parents. I’ve hated every foster home I was in. I’ve been in twenty different foster homes theirs being number twenty. The sad part is I don’t even want to go back to my parents.” “Then I asked why he was nineteen foster homes before coming into the Toney home?” “Well Jimmy said I didn’t like any of the other foster homes.” “Why not I asked?” “Mostly because they had all these rules and partly because I didn’t’ like them he answered. I’m nine and I want to find my real parents, but what can a nine year old do?” “That’s when I said I will help you find your real parents.” So began my search for Jimmy’s parents. I began with the hospital where Jimmy was born. He was born in the Catholic Memorial Hospital on June 1,1983 and adopted by Kyle and Stella Stewart on June 3,1983. I wondered why that last part was italicized. My search took me to the hospital on March1, 1993. There I interviewed the hospital coordinator. My interview turned up a dead end since the hospital have records that go back nine years because of a fire in the old maternity wing. I found out all records from 1983 or before were destroyed. All they have are records are from 1984 or later. The hospital coordinator told me to check with the state of California and see what they can come up with. After lunch at the Cranberry Juice Restaurant I headed for the Municipal of Fresno to see if they had records of Jimmy’s birth parents. My search at the Municipal of Fresno was fruitless. They had no record of an adoption of a Jimmy John Stewart. The only thing they had record that dated June 1, 1983 was the death of Timothy James and William Robert Toney. The only other record they had was the birth of twin boys named Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart also born on June 1, 1983. However they also said that Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart were registered dead on June 1, 1983 by the city of Fresno. I thanked Mrs. Joan Johnson for her help. As I left the municipal offices I thought it was strange they had no record of an adoption of a boy on June 3, 1983 who would be Jimmy’s age. But have a record of a birth of Jonathan Jacob, Timothy James, and William Robert Toney. One other thing stood out to me and that was the reported death of Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart on June 1, 1983. My most interesting interview was with Stella and what she told me about her plan to make Averil pay. Here it goes: So when Averil gave birth to triplets on June 1, 1983 and her sons were still born that’s when Stella saw her opportunity to make Averil pay. Since Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart were still born and Timothy James and William Robert Toney lived Stella hatched her plan to steal them from Averil. Step one go to the maternity ward two days after the birth and claim Timothy and William Toney are Charles John and Romeo Carlin and leave the hospital with them. Step two if the nurses gave her a hard time she would claim that they are mistaken and it’s really Timothy and William were still born. Step three she would leave the hospital with them and changed their names to Jimmy John and Kristopher James Stewart. Step four she pretended to adopt them. Step five when they asked why their so different from their other two siblings they are they were adopted so they don’t suspect that they were stolen from their birth parents at birth. Then I talked to Jimmy again he told me that after he had been in nineteen foster homes Stella and Kyle couldn’t take his bad behavior anymore. Unbeknownst to them he knew they planned to give him and Kris back to their birth parents. Too bad they didn’t have any remorse he said. As my search continued I stumbled on a lead. I found the name of the nurse that delivered Jonathan, Timothy, William, Romeo, and Charles on June 1, 1983. Her name was Melissa Addams and she believed to live at 75 Adams Lane in Los Angles, California. On March 5, 1993 I went to 75 Adams Lane. I slowly walked up the driveway with great trepidation in my mind. Once on the front I rang the doorbell and waited. A few moments later a young women yanked open the door and asked, “May I help you?” I swallowed hard and then I found my voice. I said “I know you don’t know me but is Melissa Addams home?” the young woman began to cry. “I’m sorry did I say something wrong. I don’t mean to upset you miss.” She cleared her throat and said “Sorry but my grandmother Melissa Addams passed away a year ago today she left the house to me.” As she noticed my disappointment she invited me into her house. She then introduced herself as Sue Marie Addams. I am Peter Paul I said. I then told her I was looking for the birth parents of a client’s foster son Jimmy John Stewart and he was adopted on June 3, 1983. Oh said Sue I’m sorry I can’t help you. I thanked her for her time and then took my and I apologized for intruding on her. “Sue said it wasn’t a bother at all.” I headed to the Toney house and told them of my adventure. I feel sorry for them because it was another dead end for them. Then they shocked me when they said they wanted to adopt Jimmy. On March 7,1993 they told Jimmy that they wanted to adopt him. He was shocked they wanted to adopt him. On March 7, 1994 they adopted Jimmy John Stewart at the age of ten and changed his name to Jimmy John Stewart Toney. Jimmy told me he was happy now that he had a family of his own. He also told me that he still got into trouble from time to time. But he now knew that he’d always have a home with the Toney’s. Well a grand thing happened on March 7, 1994 Jimmy gained six brother one older and five younger. The names of his new brothers were Jonathan Jacob, Shane Michael, Peter James, Michael Matthew, Christopher Dane, and James Michael. Shane, Peter, and Michael are triplets who were going to nine on April 5, 1994. Christopher and James are identical twins who were one on March 5, 1994. Then I found out that Marwin and Averil are Jimmy’s parents but I can’t tell them yet. As I dug deep into Jimmy’s past I stumbled on a cover up and a theft. One by one the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. To celebrate the adoption of Jimmy Averil threw a Welcome to the family party for him. So on Saturday March 10, 1994 the Toney family, the March family, and the Stewart family all celebrated as Jimmy joined the Toney family. As I walked around I overheard Stella and Kyle talking. Stella said to Kyle “The nerve of that bitch, she invited us to a party that involved that dumb kid.” Kyle warned Stella to keep her voice down. “Why are we here Kyle you know I hate Averil.” “You know damn well we are here because I loved Averil you stupid bitch.” “How dare you call me a stupid bitch?” As he glared at Stella Kyle said, “I could have been married to Averil. Damn bitch this is your entire fault.” Just then Averil walked over to Stella and Kyle and said, “How is everything?” “Fine they replied.” Again the fight resumed as Stella stormed at Kyle “Why did you love that damn bitch.” As he still glared at Stella he said, “Because she was everything your not.” She stormed out and left him as he stood there. As the party progressed Jimmy told me he never felt so loved in his life. He also never received so many gifts. He also told me his parents never threw him a birthday party or even gave him a Christmas present. He said they gave their biological kids presents but not the adopted ones. At that point he decided to approach Mrs. Toney and asked her “If it’s all right to call her mom?” She beamed and said “I would love it if you called me mom oh my goodness.” For the first time in his life he smiled. Day after day I gathered more and more proof that the Toney’s were Jimmy and Kris’s biological parents. First, I found the adoption of them hadn’t been registered. Second, they looked so much like Jonathan they could have been triplets. Thirdly, the death of Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart was registered along with the deaths of Timothy James and William Robert Toney. It all seemed to make sense to me. Oh one other thing seemed to fit the Stewarts hated the Toney’s. Well at least Stella did. What I couldn’t figure out is why Stella hated the Toney’s. I hated lying to the Toney’s but I wanted to make sure the fats added up before I told them they should have DNA test that proved they were Timothy and William. When I did the Toney’s decided to confront the Stewarts. The Stewarts found out that the Toney’s hired me Mr. Peter Paul, which worried Stella. So to continue my investigation I pretended to be a television repairman. And this is what I over heard: She asked Kyle “What are we going to do about this latest development?” “Simply put he said nothing.” “What do you mean nothing she yelled at him?” “Just that dear.” “How could you be so damn calm when our lives just fell apart?’ “Because bitch I told you ten and half years ago we shouldn’t take Timothy and William. But no you had to have the babies you lost in birth.” “How dare you make this all about me you asshole?” As you can see I like to spy on people. As I continued to spy the argument got even more heated up. “It’s always been about you from the day you stepped in Averil’s way from asking me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.” “That bitch doesn’t deserve to live yet you’ve worshiped her from afar. Why can’t you worship me the same way you worship her?” “To put it simply I never loved you and I will never love you. All I have for you is pity.” “Pity, Pity what the fuck do I need your pity for?” “I had pity for you because you never forgiven her for the death of your brother. You’ve hated her since Jim Bob died while on a date with her. “That bitch should have used the Heimlich maneuver to save his life.” “You knew damn well she didn’t know how to do that and besides the restaurant was crowded anyone could have helped your brother.” “Well I felt if they hadn’t dated he would still be alive.” “She suffered to you know.” “Averil suffered what a joke.” Just then Kris walked into the room crying. As they looked at Kris they stopped the fight for the moment. “What’s wrong Kris honey she asked?” “You and Dad were fighting a lot these days and it hurts me so much.” “Oh honey she said there is no needing to worry about grown up things.” “Mom I’m fourteen and I’m not stupid. I knew about how you stole Jimmy and I from our birth mother. When I was nine I read your diary and found your plan.” “Why did you read my diary Kris?” As she raised her hand to slap him and then she stopped short. “Because mom knew there was something different about Jimmy and I. I saw he looked like me and he didn’t look like our sisters.” From my vantage point in the house I continued to listen to the conversation. Stella said, “Oh you little sneak you had me fooled when did you become such a great actor.” “When I was nine and half years old mom.” “What are we going to do when we are caught in this scheme?” “Nothing he said. But anticipate going to jail and losing our kids to the system.” As she began to bawl, Stella asked, “What do you mean the system?” Well he said “My family disinherited me when I married you and all of your family is dead.” “Kyle what do you my family is dead? I heard from sister Marie Jean Calvin.” “With the expection of your sister Marie who just married Charles Calvin they are dead to you.” “Come on explain what you mean damn it.” “Stella your mom and dad disinherited you the day you told them what you had planned for Averil and because of that no one in either family is willing to take care of our children.” “That can’t be Kyle what about Marie?” “Marie called you from a mental hospital that her husband put in because she tried to kill herself. Just like Charles, Jim Bob, and your sister sally.” “What do you mean Jim Bob committed suicide? He was on a date with that bitch Averil.” “That’s true Stella but before he decided to end his life while on the date with Averil and wrote a note to your parents. Your parents gave me the note the day we married here it is.” I took the note from Kyle and read it out loud. Dear mom and dad, As of June 7, 1969 I am going on a date with my one true love Averil March to force myself to choke to death. So I don’t have to deal with my younger sister Stella and her schemes anymore. Even though I know Averil will try to help me I am going to stop her. I am so sorry I have to do this. Your loving child, Jim Bob Jim Bob Stella cried as she heard he brothers’ words. “Why Jim Bob why did you do that I adored you.” Then Kyle spoke again. “You may have adored him Stella but he didn’t adore you.” The year is 1996 and Jimmy is thirteen almost fourteen years old. I finally decided I had enough proof to prove Jimmy is Timothy and Kris is William. Armed with my proof on March 9, 1996 at 10:00 a.m., I called on Mrs. Toney at home. Shocked into disbelief Mrs. Toney said who would do such a thing and how can this be proved. I suggested to Mrs. Toney, Jonathan, Kris, and Jimmy have DNA Test to prove they were really Timothy and William. Secondly, I showed her proof that Mr. and Mrs. Kyle Stewart were behind the scheme. In utter disbelief Mrs. Toney asked why Kyle and Stella would do such a thing. Well I said “Stella believed you killed Jim Bob back in 1969. “Why that’s preposterous said Averil.” Later that day I told Marwin of what I learned. He was dismayed as he suggested that we talk to the Stewarts with the aid of police. As we approached Kyle and Stella started to run but are caught by an officer. Stella yelled, “Let me go you son of a bitch.” Officer Ibeamaka Obote said, “Calm down lady.” Stella calmed down and we went into the Stewart house. Once inside Kris Stewart ran up to Averil hugged her, and called her mom. Nice to see you to Kris but I’m not your mom, am I Stella. Well said Stella, “I stole Kris from you too.” “Why would you do that to me Stella?” “I’ve hated you since the day Jim Bob died.” “Oh Stella we grew up together you’ve should have known better that. Kris how did you know I was your mom?” Easy said Kris, “I just looked at you, dad, and then in the mirror.” “Oh dear now we have to prove Jimmy was Timothy and Kris was William.” The officers arrested Stella and Kyle. Kyle asked Averil to adopt their kids. Stella glared at Kyle. Officer Ibeamaka Obote hulled them off to jail, but not before Averil promised to take in the girls as her own. The DNA test proved that Marwin and Averil are Kris’s and Jimmy’s mom and dad. The DNA and further test proved that Kris who thought he was sixteen was actually thirteen and a triplet of Timothy and Jonathan. Further test showed Jonathan was five minutes older than Timothy who was two minutes older than Kris. So armed with this information and the arrest of the Stewarts some changes were made. One, Jimmy’s name is changed to Timothy James Toney. Two, Kris’s name was changed to William Robert Toney. Kris’s former sisters are adopted by the Toney’s. They get to keep Caitlin Marie and Cassandra June but Stewart is dropped and Toney is added. Finally even though the case is thirteen years old the Stewarts are found guilty and are sent to jail. This closed the case for me Peter Paul. i need some help with this

cassie30
December 7th, 2011, 10:20 PM
​any help would be helpful thank you

MFAer
December 7th, 2011, 11:00 PM
Well, after an initial read through there is a lot that needs to be revised here. The first issue here is with your narrator. He is a private investigator that seems to have no purpose as a narrator other than for a reason to utilize the first-person. He is supposed to be interviewing these characters, but there's no indication of an interview format. Instead, he becomes an omniscient narrator, and it's not executed to a believable standard.

Also, you may want to take a look at your formatting here. Ensure that you use block spaces to make it more readable. As it stands, it doesn't look as if this piece is ready to be critiqued. I would let this sit for a while and then come back to it with an eye for refining the narrator. Really think about the point-of-view and how you want to tell this story. If, however, you are still set on this private investigator with an interview format, look into how to convey an interview on the page.

Good luck with this.

cassie30
December 9th, 2011, 08:37 PM
​thank you

Punnikin
December 11th, 2011, 08:55 PM
I apologize if I come across like a typical internet creep, but as it is formatted I can't even begin to read this. It's not the story itself inasmuch as it's so crunched together that my poor old eyes can't stay focused on it. If you can paragaph it that will help immensely. I'd love to read it but I simply can't.

A quick scan of it showed me a few errors. Misused pronouns (her instead of she) and uncapitalized posessive pronouns (i) as well as an overuse of proper names, but I can't ofer much more than that as it's too hard for me to stay focused or pick out examples. I'll keep checking back for a reformatting and give a more detailed critique, if in fact one is actually needed by then.

Please don't let this put you off of your writing, but instead, if you make it easier to read you may find that it will be easier for you to write in the future.

Edited:

I browsed your past posts and noticed something of a trend. Many of your posts seem to be filled with misspellings and terrible formatting. You don't seem to be making any real attempt to fix the problems pointed out to you by others, and even your replies have no capitalization, or punctuation. Try to focus less on making your words pink, and more on making them readable. This might seem harsh to you, and maybe to others reading this, but if you can't take the criticism and make it work for you, perhaps you should spend more time reading for now instead of writing. You have good ideas, but aren't conveying them in a readable or comprehensive manner.

"​any help would be helpful thank you"

Here is a prime example of how you can begin to teach yourself the importance of sentence structure. This is your reply to the first critique of your story. It is uncapitalized, unpunctuated, insincere, and terse, yet it is red. You didn't actually take the time to fix anything, yet you replied twice in this thread. That isn't what this forum is for.
Here is my suggestion, blunt and cold. Forego making your replies colorful, and instead make them sentences. Better yet, read the suggestions and critiques posted to your stories and follow their advice. Fix the errors, spend the time to proofread, and make a concerted effort to author, not just to write. As it is, you're wasting your talents and your time, and that is the worst possible thing you can do for yourself.

If you hate what I wrote, please tell me so. Tear me apart if you like, verbally abuse me to the point that you cannot control the words that you use to debase me. Loathe me with a passion that would fuel a sun, but I beg you... make it readable. Capitalize, punctuate, check your spelling, and burn me in a funeral pyre fit for a Viking hero. Be the author of my wretched defilement. Just please, do not write it in pink and walk away.

cassie30
December 11th, 2011, 09:54 PM
I don't hate what you said. It's true I have some issues with caps and so forth.

Punnikin
December 11th, 2011, 10:09 PM
Then please use this forum as it was intended. Fix those issues as best you can. I do believe there is no such thing as a bad idea, but if it's not told, who will know what you feel? Formatting isn't there to make life difficult. It has been refined over generations to make a story readable, to help convey a message instead of obscuring it. I truly want to read this, and to tell you honestly that I find no fault with it but that it's too short and I'd like to read more.
Editing can be painful and time consuming, but it's the effort that makes a project worthwhile. It can also teach you a few things about yourself and your writing that you may not realize you don't yet know. I beg you, fix this story. Don't do it for me or anyone else, do it for yourself. If you don't take the time to write properly, nobody will take the time to read it, and we will all lose out.

cassie30
December 13th, 2011, 09:19 PM
I'm in the process of rewriting it

YohannIan
December 14th, 2011, 12:16 PM
Paragraph it. It makes it easier for you to look and read through, to correct any mistakes. And it makes it easier for the reader to read it.
Mainly a formatting problem.

cassie30
December 14th, 2011, 10:21 PM
I am still going to rewrite it.