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guilt
December 5th, 2011, 05:31 PM
Chapter 13: The beatdown at the entrance

With the power of speed, Alex and Zeke arrive at the mansions gates and look through the iron bars. The royal army continues to unpack crates from the horse carriages.
"What are they unloading? Zeke asked.
"Ammo and weapons. They're preparing for something big." Alex replied.
Zeke looks at him and asks "So what's the plan?"
"Knock them out as usual."
Zeke backs away from the gates while Alex starts to concentrate. His legs begin to shine and the gates blast open. The loud noise alerts the army.
"Enemy at the gates!"
Everyone of them rush towards the nearest crates and busting them open grabbing weapons. Zeke unsheathes his swords and charges in. He aims at the nearest soldier that tried to load his weapon and with the back of his swords knock the soldier out cold.
"Take out the swordsman!" One of the soldiers shouted.
The soldiers that loaded their guns aim at Zeke and fire. The bullets drop to the ground in mid flight with soft clanks. Alex appears behind the line of soldiers and knocks them out one by one within seconds.
"Weapons won't work sir!"
"Then use your goddamn swords if you have to!" Another shouted.
The soldiers drop their weapons and take out their swords and slash away at Alex. Most of the slashes are blocked in mid-attacks and the users eyes turn white and collapse to the ground. A half a dozen soldiers are fighting Zeke at once. He blocks all the attacks and disarms one of the soldiers and kicks him back. The soldier gets stabbed by his attacking comrade by accident and the two fall. A sniper hidden inside one of the carriages takes aim at Zeke.
"Gotcha!"
He pulls the trigger and the bullet is stopped in mid-air. He looks through the telescope. The thumb and index fingers gripped the bullet. The soldiers looks up and sees a fist right between his eyes. Alex drops down from the carriage and runs off again. Zeke slashes one of the attackers and he drops to the ground. Only two of the six attackers are left and they both attack at once. Zeke drops his weapons and grabs one of them by the scruff. The sword misses him by a few inches. He then uses the soldiers as a human shield and strikes the other. The two attackers stab each other and collapse. Zeke walks over to his swords and picks them up.
"Zeke watch out!" Alex shouted.
Zeke turns around finds himself surrounded. More than a dozen guns aim at him. Alex uses his power to try and get to zeke in time. He grabs the nearest guy and throws him at the rest of them. Guns go off in the chaos and one of the bullets missed Zeke. Alex stands before him and drops the bullets.
"Sorry, I missed one."

The captain looks out through the doorway to the atrium to see what's going on. Everyone of his soldiers that were outside are knocked out cold. Alex crouches down one of the knocked out soldiers while Zeke looks around. He notices the captain. Alex mumbles something but Zeke wasn't listening. Alex looks up at him and then looks in the direction that he's looking to.
"You know him?"
"Yeah, he was one of the soldiers at the Dojo massacre. I gave him that scar across his eye after he killed my sensei."
The captain ducks back inside the atrium.
"He's mine now!" Zeke shouted.
He runs after the captain and Alex follows. Zeke runs inside and the captain jumps out and both their swords clash together sending gold sparks into the air. Alex walks by Zeke and goes deeper into the mansion without a word. he uses his powers and searches through the mansion quickly until he finds the dining hall. The Don is sitting next to the dining table eating. He looks up from his food at Alex in surprise.
"Who are you?"
"The man who's about to kick your arse!"

Chapter 14: Zeke versus the captain

The sounds of swords hitting each other echo around the atrium. The captain unleashed a massive onslaught of attacks that keeps Zeke defending himself. The swords clash again and zeke tries to push him away from himself. The captain falls on his butt and quickly staggers back up. Zeke takes the seconds as a breather before he goes on the attack. He grabs a nearby crate with his full strenght and tosses it sideways. Weapons and munition spill out and the captain backs up. Zeke takes the chance and strikes back. he runs and leaps off the crate and thrusts himself straight into the captain. both of their swords clash once again and the three swords slip out their hands and slide across the room to a halt. The two men eye each other for a second and both make a run for their swords. Zeke is a hairs breath away from gabbing his swords when he feels the edge of a blade on his throat. The captains heavy breathing is heard behind him.
"I thought that an apprentice of a former famous pirate would be better than this." he hissed into Zeke's ear.

A flashback crosses Zeke back when the dojo was active. He's walking with his sensei across the training grounds. The sun is setting behind the mountains.
"There's one thing that i've been meaning to ask you sensei."
"Ask away."Kujo replied.
"Do sword have feelings?"
"It depends."
"Depends on what?"
"Depends if you treat them with respect, they will win you fights."
"What if I don't? What if tried to get revenge?"
Kujo stops in front of Zeke and stares into his eyes.
"Remember these words. Swords weren't made for revenge but for the arts of swordsmanship along with defensive purposes of the owners. If they ever use it for revenge, the blades would dull themselves due to the darkness inside the owners heart." Kujo replied.

Zeke snaps back into the present. His swords lay on the ground a foot away.
"have I ever told you that i'm following his footsteps?" he said.
He kicks the hilt of his swords into the air and pushes the officer away from himself, grabs the swords and tries to calm down.
"I'm sorry that i've fallen into the darkness but i'll need your help to crawl out of revenges grip." he thought to himself.
he can feel something like a heartbeat inside the swords.
"Thank you." he thought again and looks at the captain.
"So i'm guessing that you wanted to be like one of the gold swords but in this era?"
"Not just that, but i'll do whatever it takes to free the world from the grips of the government." Zeke replied darkly.

back in the ally, Hevlaska continues to cry her eyes out out of happiness. The sound of boots walking towards her turn louder. A huge shadow appears in front of her. She turns around a looks up. A royal army officer with many badges on his right side stands before her.

MFAer
December 6th, 2011, 06:31 PM
Hi Guilt,

First, I can tell that you really enjoy writing. It's great to have that passion, because your stories will become that much richer for it.

With that being said, I've been reading through a lot of your posts, the two novels that you've posted chapter by chapter up here. The problem is that these novels are not ready to be shown to anyone. They are still too rough. You're not going to get any sort of useful feedback if all you do is post rough drafts. Also, it clutters these forums up, and it's unfair to others who want to take the workshop seriously.

Writing is difficult work. Sometimes it's enjoyable work, but most days it is unforgiving anf exhausting. Much of this work comes through revising. If writing was easy enough that we could all bang out best sellers in one draft, then there would be no need for these types of forums.

As for a more specific critique on the story itself: it's amateur, contrived, and silly in places. The first advice I need to give you is to read more. You can't learn how to write without being a voracious reader. My second piece of advice is to write, but DO NOT POST what you write until you have polished it into the most honest story possible.

I don't mean to seem unfair to you, but I think if you're serious about writing that you need to hear this.

Good luck with your writing.

guilt
December 10th, 2011, 04:55 PM
Hi Guilt,

First, I can tell that you really enjoy writing. It's great to have that passion, because your stories will become that much richer for it.

With that being said, I've been reading through a lot of your posts, the two novels that you've posted chapter by chapter up here. The problem is that these novels are not ready to be shown to anyone. They are still too rough. You're not going to get any sort of useful feedback if all you do is post rough drafts. Also, it clutters these forums up, and it's unfair to others who want to take the workshop seriously.

Writing is difficult work. Sometimes it's enjoyable work, but most days it is unforgiving anf exhausting. Much of this work comes through revising. If writing was easy enough that we could all bang out best sellers in one draft, then there would be no need for these types of forums.

As for a more specific critique on the story itself: it's amateur, contrived, and silly in places. The first advice I need to give you is to read more. You can't learn how to write without being a voracious reader. My second piece of advice is to write, but DO NOT POST what you write until you have polished it into the most honest story possible.

I don't mean to seem unfair to you, but I think if you're serious about writing that you need to hear this.

Good luck with your writing.

Yes i do enjoy writing, i don't know if you read the comments or not, but i'm working on the stories to the fullest. They're not supposed to be rough drafts but the real thing and i'm sorry if you feel that i'm spamming up the forums. I know that it's difficult at times but i don't have anyone that can revise my writings so i post them by chapters on sites such as this one so others can help me fix the problems. I actually have the chapters written in composition books before i post them. If i wasn't serious about this then i wouldn't post anything at all.
I do read a lot btw.