View Full Version : Crushed love - Short

December 2nd, 2011, 07:31 AM
I posted this on my blog today, I hope once again that you enjoy.

I could only remember my week. For five days I had been working twenty three hours a day with only an hour left to sleep. We slept at the office. We ate at the office. We had not left the office all along those five days. I could remember that as Friday night approached, we had decided that a night sleep was well deserved. I could remember that one of us had to drive. I could remember that he had asked me to drive.

As I opened my eyes I started to see bits and pieces. The hour was late, and the obscurity was only partly shattered by a light post above my head. My ears started to hear again, the buzzing sound of emergency vehicles could be heard in the distance. As time passed, the sound grew and the light changed. Sometimes blue, sometimes red, the light was forever changing and started to make me dizzy.

I tried to move, but I could not. If I could, then I did not feel any parts of my body. I had, however, passed the state of pain. I did not feel anything. My head was still lying on the wheel and as I tried to open my mouth, a drop of blood reached for my tongue. I wanted to panic, but I could not.

I tried to focus my eyes on the nearest object and after a great effort; I managed to grasp an image of my surroundings. Like a camera would take a picture, a still frame was now engraved in my mind. As I looked back at it in details in my head, tears started to emerge from my eyes and blended in with the drops of blood.
His head was on the dashboard. The shattered wind shield was resting in pieces over his head. I could see his face distinctively. His mouth was still, in the most perfect smile I fell for the first day I met him. Drops of blood were scattered on the perfect cheeks I had once taken in my hands before laying a kiss on them. His nose, once straight shaped, was now on the side as a tree bowing to the wind in a storm. His left eye, as green as the spring wet grass, was still open. The right one was closed. His short hair had remained untouched, barely pushed aside by the wind shield that had landed on them.

As I opened my eyes, to try to see him one last time, I saw that I had been moved. I was on a stretcher, rolling uneasily on a road covered with shattered pieces of cars. Before I closed my eyes indefinitely, I saw a second car. Inside I could only see what appeared to be four men. The fire fighters were trying to reach to them, but they could not. The car was upside down and the only thing that was keeping those men from falling off their seats was there seat belt. As my eyes closed, I wondered why most of their clothes were either off or half open and why vomit was covering a part of the side window.

My eyes closed, and before falling into the darkness, I fought to keep conscious. I felt a few light touches over my body. I thought I felt my arms go up but I could not be less sure. Maybe my legs were moved too, I could not tell. One by one my eyes were opened. A light appeared in front, slightly moving and then my eye would close again. A moment later, the sirens had stopped, the effervescence had ceased. It was calm.

Falling into the darkness was easy, it was fast and for the first time that day, I let go of everything. As I opened my eyes, I could see a light far in the distance. I walked towards it slowly. The breeze was warm and slightly pushing me towards it. I let myself go and when I reached the light I emerged into a vast field of green grass. I could hear laughter in the distance, but I could not see anyone. I turned around and there they were: our two children, the ones I always dreamt off. He was there too, playing with them. He looked at me and smiled. That smile made me remember why I was here in the first place. I had done all of this for him, I had loved him with all my heart.

But suddenly, he started to disappear. He was phasing out, leaving simply a blurred image of himself. My vision started to fail me, everything was going. I screamed, fought, ran to try to touch them at least once. I wanted to say good bye.

As I woke up, a hand was on my shoulder. I was screaming at him, I was crying. I opened my eyes and as I did so, he kissed me. As he lips left mine, I looked him in the eyes, smiled and he said with the warmest voice of them all: “It was not your fault.”

December 7th, 2011, 04:25 AM
I feel like when on sentence goes to the next its missing something that should be inbetween, also some sentences need to have some things adding also. You seem to get straight to what happening in some parts, which could be normal but i think some build up should be put in.

December 11th, 2011, 10:01 PM
Overall a good narrative, but changes in perspective interrupt the story. Perhaps it was intended, as if after the accident you weren't in control of yourself (my eyes closed, and before falling into darkness) but at other times you stayed in the first person. A common error, or perhaps done purposely to convey a loss of control? I thought the story could also use a bit more environment. It's hard for me to believe that with all that was happening all around, these were no sounds at all. Just images. You mentioned your hearing returning, but after that was a passing mention of distant sounds and nothing else. I think that part could use a bit of filling out.
Otherwise an interesing insight as to how you might percieve the act of "crossing over", although not a very original idea.

December 13th, 2011, 05:28 PM
The car was upside down and the only thing that was keeping those men from falling off their seats was there seat belt

"There" should be "their", and are all of the men in the other car wearing a single seat belt? I assume that should be plural.