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32rosie
December 1st, 2011, 10:32 PM
The bastardized apple pie stewed in its spoilt air, contemplating world domination from the corner cabinet, between the pilgrim salt and pepper shaker and the blender. Sprouts, like fiendish minions, spawned from within the pie crust, thrusting past the inner layer with hunched stems and withered grey leaves.

Morality rots, it thinks; virtue follows.

Punnikin
December 11th, 2011, 09:30 PM
In three sentences you have done a very difficult thing. You've tangled so much hidden symbolism that the entire piece, tiny as it was, loses nearly all meaning. This piece feels almost like a randomly chosen verse from a poem, stripped of any context at all, and strenched out to even removed any form of structure it should have had.

Besides the obvious bashing of the USA, which I can dismiss since it's so commonplace as to be a cliche, it makes virtually no sense whatsoever. I'm sorry if you were trying to make a statement with this, and I'm very sorry if I've missed the point, but in my opionion this was an unnecessary exercise in symbolism and senseless hate.

My suggestion: throw the pie in the trash and learn to clean out your pantry before making any more inexcusable political statements.

Penpusher
November 15th, 2012, 10:26 PM
I agree with Punnikin almost entirely with one extra observation. After reading this and trying to ferret out your meaning(s) and intention(s) I can only wonder what you expect from us in our critiques.

Mumford
November 15th, 2012, 11:04 PM
In contrast to the other posters, I thought this was actually very clever, even if the message was somewhat cliche.

Unless I have of course completely missed the point.

undrian
November 16th, 2012, 08:40 PM
Judging by your other posts, you lean toward poetry, and i find this compelling as a fragment of a prose poem, almost a Beat feeling, with all the current controversies over assimilation versus multiculturalism. You lose me on the last line, however. Is the referent of the pronoun it the pie, or morality? Do you mean that once people transcend their traditional morality, they begin to act virtuously?

Heid
November 18th, 2012, 06:34 AM
I agree with you undrian; this feels more like a poem than a piece of prose. I wouldn't say it was entirely anti-American - despite the title - more that it's anti-American foreign policiy. A cliche, yes, but I didn't dislike the piece, just felt that it belonged in the poetry section.

chrisl
November 29th, 2012, 08:39 PM
I don't think I read so much into it -but I'm new to this site and haven't read your stuff before. This is too short to really take seriously. If you're trying to make a statement, I don't think you succeeded very well. Interesting imagery, but a bit too dramatic.

Pluralized
December 5th, 2012, 02:41 AM
Coming here to the fiction section to read peoples' work, I stumbled across this.

I clicked on it to read a story titled "When the American Pie Rots." What I found was a trite bit of pretentious "look at me," trying desperately to be clever and melancholy.

The "bastardized" pie? I don't know how that adjective was intended to work, but I'd recommend something else.

The sprouts are "spawning" yet they are in the same tense shriveling up and turning grey?

Also, aren't minions fiendish by definition? Seemed redundant to me. Sorry if my criticism isn't what you wanted, but I felt like I needed to share it.

Cheers
Rob

benluby
December 11th, 2012, 12:42 AM
Gotta agree with the others. I really find it almost clubbing the reader over the head, with no possible interpretation of the writing other than exactly what they want, just poison from end to end. And, as Pluralized said, there's a lot of redundancy.

Lewdog
December 11th, 2012, 03:18 AM
Everyone has their right to express freely their personal opinion. With that being said, if you don't like America, feel free to write your opinions from Cuba, North Korea, or China. Oh yeah, you can't. I think this thread has become an eye opening experience, that despite America not being the vision that our fore fathers expected, it sure as hell is a lot better than many other places in the world. The best thing about America and primarily the United States? If you don't like it here, there is very little holding you back from moving somewhere else.

Don V Standeford
December 12th, 2012, 02:54 PM
This seems like more of a statement than any genre. It might fit into prose poetry, but the metaphors / images are too simplistic and cliche to really touch anyone. Each object has a specific purpose, and it fulfills that purpose because writer is speaking through them too loudly and doesn't let the content speak for itself. The only use I can see for it is in drama or maybe a political statement in a novel.