PDA

View Full Version : Tenacity(300 Wds)



Die Oldhaetunde
November 29th, 2011, 03:58 AM
Tenacity

The refugees escaped the lower decks of the Grand Maria that night. For the longest time, the air had been filled with throat-clogging smog and volcanic ash, but as the ship slowly made her way out from La cresta del Esparda and into the Atlantic, a crystal clear night of fresh air cried out to be enjoyed. Two boys, a tiny blond runt and an olive-skinned scarecrow hung their arms over the railing, talking to each other.

"I can't believe we made it out alive." The tall one said. His family had lived close to the event, and had almost died on the way to the escape routes. The blonde one let out a sigh. Looking at the tall one for several moments before walking away, he shoved his arms into his pockets. "Hey. What's wrong?", the first boy asked.

And though the sky was crystal clear and the stars shone brightly, the blonde one responded, "We're going to die out here."

"That's enough of that." A large man in a buttoned overcoat swept the blonde boy up in his arms. "Enough of that, Emhill." The young boy hugged his father, but his eyes did not shine. Already, the cook and the captain were down below on the lower decks, arguing about how to ration the food for the refugees. Back up top, there were murmurs and whispers about where the ship was going to go. And as the ship sailed off aimlesslessly, the boy with the darker skin realized that Spain had been the only place left where people lived. It had been the last beacon in a world reclaimed by Nature.

He spat. The ocean liner might have been floating on the ocean sea, but not for long. They would make landfall soon, probably after two or three weeks. While the other people made their ways down into the lower decks that night, he stayed by the rail, trying to catch the first sight of a virgin land.

egpenny
November 29th, 2011, 04:30 AM
Very nice snippet, makes me want the before and after parts. Two things...Shoved his arms in his pockets...Shouldn't that be hands, can't picture arms in pockets.
Other thing...While other people made their ways down...Sounds better as way to me. Is this part of a whole or just a tiny piece?

Die Oldhaetunde
November 29th, 2011, 04:38 AM
Ah, Thanks for pointing those out, egpenny. It's just a tiny piece that I carefully wrote out, with no before or after. Thanks for reading!

Cuppy
December 18th, 2011, 05:51 AM
To be honest, I think you should incorporate this into a series. It'd be pretty cool.

NickOehrlein
December 18th, 2011, 05:58 AM
Wow this was very well written!

I thought it had an almost cinematic style to it, and it was a great read and I would definitely love more!:D One thing though, and maybe this is just me, but I did not quite understand the first description of the two young boys, the line, "tiny blond runt and an olive-skinned scarecrow." Maybe it's just me but I did not quite understand what that meant. I thought it was either a metaphor or a very poetic description of them haha:) but other than that I loved it!:D Keep writing, please!:)

Peace and Love,
Nick Oehrlein

doghouse reilly
December 18th, 2011, 06:12 AM
I enjoyed the piece also; one small quibble, I think you should name the boys with their descriptions. I believe it would give the piece a more personal and real flavor. I'm not sure of the time period, either. If you decide to expand this into a story, you might want to think how the setting could enhance the story.

doghouse reilly

Kevin
December 20th, 2011, 02:24 PM
I hesitate here...but, screw it. I disagree with all three. Don't change it. "Way" can mean plural(as in 'they all look the same way') they don't need names yet, and I get "t. b. runt and olive s scarecrow"(gives me a mental picture; one small and thin, with a north european/possibly germanic look; the other tall and gangly, with a darker, more medditerranean complection. Now, to write all that out, at this point at least, would be overcrowding the story, don't you think?). Sorry guys, but it's just my opinion....


by the way, hell ya, I like it! If you continue it, you have to give us some hope though. Things are looking pretty dreadful for them.

garza
December 23rd, 2011, 12:48 PM
This stands alone as written, with tens of thousands of words implied before and after. I agree with the nits egpenny picked. Otherwise nothing should be changed.

Nene
January 8th, 2012, 08:29 PM
While It certainly can stand on its own, lengthening it into a full length narrative (maybe 1500 words) would greatly enhance it.

Higurro
January 9th, 2012, 06:58 PM
Lovely snapshot, and crying out with questions. I'm dying to know more about this situation, though I agree with the above; it functions well standalone.

cassie30
January 11th, 2012, 10:11 PM
Hey I like this is there more.

wallacemarino
January 14th, 2012, 05:31 PM
And as the ship sailed off aimlesslessly, the boy with the darker skin realized that Spain had been the only place left where people lived. It had been the last beacon in a world reclaimed by Nature.

As others have said this is an intriguing piece that definitely leaves you wanting to read more. I have a couple of very minor criticisms that have not been mentioned by others. Firstly the use of the term "crystal clear" twice in such a short piece strikes me as a little careless or lazy and secondly, in the sentence quoted above, referring to the character as "the boy with the darker skin," feels to me a little clumsy and it damages the intimacy of the narrative. As you have already named the other boy it might be better to refer to him as "Emhil's companion" or similar, but this may just be me being overly picky.
Otherwise a really good little snippet, more of the same please.

Doodally
January 15th, 2012, 07:46 PM
Tenacity

The refugees escaped the lower decks of the Grand Maria that night. For the longest time, the air had been filled with throat-clogging smog and volcanic ash, but as the ship slowly made her way out from La cresta del Esparda and into the Atlantic, a crystal clear night of fresh air cried out to be enjoyed. Two boys, a tiny blond runt and an olive-skinned scarecrow hung their arms over the railing, talking to each other. (very nice sentence)

"I can't believe we made it out alive." The tall one said. His family had lived close to the event, and had almost died on the way to the escape routes. The blonde one let out a sigh. Looking at the tall one for several moments before walking away, he shoved his arms into his pockets. "Hey. What's wrong?", the first boy asked.

And though the sky was crystal clear and the stars shone brightly, the blonde one responded, "We're going to die out here."

"That's enough of that." A large man in a buttoned overcoat swept the blonde boy up in his arms. "Enough of that, Emhill." The young boy hugged his father, but his eyes did not shine. Already, the cook and the captain were down below on the lower decks, arguing about how to ration the food for the refugees. Back up top, there were murmurs and whispers about where the ship was going to go. And as the ship sailed off aimlesslessly, the boy with the darker skin realized that Spain had been the only place left where people lived. It had been the last beacon in a world reclaimed by Nature.

He spat. The ocean liner might have been floating on the ocean sea, but not for long. They would make landfall soon, probably after two or three weeks. While the other people made their ways down into the lower decks that night, he stayed by the rail, trying to catch the first sight of a virgin land.


This is a delicious short peice. You have a very alluring way with words, my friend. N-i-c-e.

Daneril17
January 15th, 2012, 08:02 PM
This was actually the first story I read in this website, in which I had read it completely and felt a connection between myself and the characters. This to me was a great short novel; short and to the point as well as possessing a small sense of ambiguity to leave the reader thinking of what will come next.

yingguoren
January 15th, 2012, 08:25 PM
This is a great standalone piece and I have enjoyed reading it. Especially the first paragraph, which is wonderfully descriptive and really sets the scene.

My only criticism is with the 4th paragraph. The large man seems to appear from nowhere and I think that an introductory sentence for him would be beneficial. Wouldn't the two boys have noticed him? Wouldn't they have heard him approaching?

Not that he needs any background information in this short piece, but something like 'The boys turned their heads in the direction of the cabin when they heard the voice. A large man in a buttoned overcoat walked towards them and swept...'