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GostPhareal
November 25th, 2011, 07:58 PM
This is a short excerpt i have from a book I have started a year ago. It is a TV add appearing in chapter 2. This TV add introduces the reader and most importantly one of the main characters to a planet where most of the story line will be taking place later in the book. I just wanted to know what you thought. Thanks for any comments in advance.

As she stopped, the logo of STO appeared on the screen. Its motto: “delivering the future” came right after. It disappeared to reveal a helicopter view of nothing that looked like Earth. The helicopter was going over a large lake. The only signs that it was a lake were the mountains surrounding it on the horizon. The lake seemed to be infinite and the mountains seemed to be infinitely far. When the helicopter finally reached the end of the blue emptiness, it arrived on top of a waterfall. The waterfall was a good hundred meters high, falling from high cliffs.

The helicopter followed river that was supplying the waterfall. The river was going through high canyons, looking almost like the Grand Canyon, but higher. The canyon seemed to close on the helicopter as it went forward. Suddenly, the helicopter went up, to avoid the canyon, and gave a magnificent view of the whole region. As it arrived high in the sky, in the horizon, a forest started to shape up as the canyon was dying off, shrinking to dust and sand.

The desert, where the canyon had been, stopped where the luxuriant forest started. Everything opposed them, but still they were neighbours. It was as if there was a border. It was as if no plants could live across that border. Whatever unnatural event caused this natural barrier, the helicopter soon passed over it, leaving the desert only in memories. As the helicopter climbed even higher in the sky, white peaks could be seen in the distance watching over the forest.

Heading towards those white peaks, the helicopter was speeding above the seamless forest. All the trees were at the same heights and nothing seemed to grow over that invisible limit. As the helicopter was approaching the mountains in the background, a giant bird suddenly appeared in front of the helicopter only to leave a black screen with an ironic yet humoristic sentence: ‘No birds were harmed for this video’.

Cody
November 26th, 2011, 03:41 AM
Kind of long for a commercial. I'm assuming this is a key part of your story?

Red-James
November 26th, 2011, 05:47 AM
This is really a hard thing to add any critic too, since it is such a random thing without any lead up to or knowledge of the importance behind it. And knowing its just a tv commerical makes it seem pointless standing on its own like this. Maybe post something with this that gives us a view of what makes this importain to the story so we better understand and can give you adaquate feed back.

GostPhareal
November 26th, 2011, 07:07 AM
I edited my original post to give a heads up on what I posted. I hope that makes it clear enough.

marrow
November 26th, 2011, 07:39 AM
i really would like to comment but i don't know what to say except nice commercial.

QDOS
November 28th, 2011, 06:16 PM
Hi GostPhareal

I assume from your added opening note that this Advert is supposed to be a Wow invite to visit or set up home on the new planet. We all do it, but drop the over use of the word seemed. Tighten in your description and try to vary your word usage especially within the same sentence or paragraph.

For example here are some suggestions:-

The lake seemed to be infinite and the mountains seemed to be infinitely far. - to - The lake continued as if forever with the mountains infinitely far off.

The river was going through high canyons, looking almost like the Grand Canyon, but higher. The canyon seemed to close on the helicopter as it went forward. - to - The river flowed between tall cliffs, looking almost like the Grand Canyon, but higher. The gap between appeared to close in on the helicopter as it went forward.

Whatever unnatural event caused this natural barrier, the helicopter soon passed over it, leaving the desert only in memories. - to - Whatever past event caused this natural barrier, the helicopter soon passed over it, leaving the desert as only a memory.

QDOS 8)

QDOS
November 28th, 2011, 06:20 PM
Hi GostPhareal

I assume from your added opening note that this Advert is supposed to be a Wow invite to visit or set up home on the new planet. We all do it but drop the over use of the word seemed. Tighten in your description and try to vary your word usage especially within the same sentence or paragraph.

For example here are some suggestions:-

The lake seemed to be infinite and the mountains seemed to be infinitely far. - to - The lake continued as if forever with the mountains infinitely far off.

The river was going through high canyons, looking almost like the Grand Canyon, but higher. The canyon seemed to close on the helicopter as it went forward. - to - The river flowed between tall cliffs, looking almost like the Grand Canyon, but higher. The gap between appeared to close in on the helicopter as it went forward.

Whatever unnatural event caused this natural barrier, the helicopter soon passed over it, leaving the desert only in memories. - to - Whatever past event caused this natural barrier, the helicopter soon passed over it, leaving the desert as only a memory.

QDOS :cool:

Just seen my duplication don’t know why - did have a spot of bother - broadband glitch!

josh.townley
November 29th, 2011, 05:58 AM
Hi GostPhareal.
It's an interesting idea to introduce the setting through a tv commercial.
Unfortunately I didn't find it believable as a commercial. The world of advertising is about delivering a message as effectively as possible, and that usually means quick and to the point. I would have thought there would be some sort of voiceover, or music, or text interspersed to make it clear what is being advertised, and to sell it to the viewer.
I also wasn't sure what the meaning of the bird was at the end. Come visit our planet and be attacked by giant birds? It didn't seem to fit with the whole 'selling the experience' idea.

Since you introduce 'she' in the first line, it might be more interesting to write it more from 'her' point of view, rather than just a play-by-play of the commercial. It's very impersonal. What is she thinking as she watches it?

Also, you say that it is:

a helicopter view of nothing that looked like Earth
but nothing you describe in the scenery sounds all that different from Earth, apart from the giant bird at the end. Is there something in particular that makes it unlike earth? Like two suns, a purple sky, odd-shaped mountains?

Just some things to think about.

I love sci-fi, so I'm keen to find out more about the story. Thanks for sharing. :)

outoftheblue
November 29th, 2011, 08:35 PM
It's an interesting extract, but I agree with the first poster in saying that it's too long/detailed to be a stand-alone commercial within the context of the novel. Because I found myself feeling it was 'live action' and that it wasn't occurring on the screen. I'd be very brief, and when the character finally finds themselves in that environment then go into more depth/detail. You could even refer to the advert that they'd seen on TV - something like, 'X, Y, Z, was just like he'd/she'd seen in the TV commercial...' - I'm sure you understand what I'm meaning! ha ha! :lol:

GostPhareal
November 30th, 2011, 09:23 AM
Thanks for all the comments, I took into account all the proposition and made some changes.