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Kevin
November 20th, 2011, 05:03 PM
She begins to back the car down the drive. He sees her, but doesn't say anything; the windows are rolled up anyway. She stops, waits for him to come around the car, and rolls down the driver's window.

"How long will you be?"

"Not long. I'm just going to pick him up and then stop by the store on the way back."

"Okay."

"Do you need some mickstick?"

Mickstick? he thought. That was their son's word for lip balm when he was younger, years ago. She still calls it that.
"Why? Do my lips look dry?"

She looked at him for a second, not answering and then..
"Yes, they look white, and you have something there.." she motioned with her hand, bringing her finger to the corner of her mouth.

"What?"

"Wipe" she said, and imitated the movement with her own...
"You often get that."

"Get what?"

"Spit, while you're talking."

He wiped.
"You mean I have spit on my lips while I'm talking? I get that a lot?"

She waited, then nodded, yes.

He looked down, to the side a little, and at the same time brought a hand up to his brow, partially covering his face and eyes.

A memory comes to him, un asked for...

Ah, yes. Poor Mr. Mehen, his math teacher from, when was it? 7th grade? 8th? Poor Mr. Mehen the math teacher, who was so caught up in his math nerdiness that he seemed to be completely unaware. He remembered that this girl had asked him ( really hot, what was her name? No, can't remember..) well she must've asked him because he certainly wouldn't have asked her, what his classes were. She had burst out laughing when she saw the name "Mehen" on his schedule.

"Ha! Mr. Mehen! Mr. Dancing spits! Boingity-boingity-boingity-ha, ha, ha..." He was shocked that she had noticed it too. Surprised, he had thought he was the only one.. and yet here was this really hot girl, that would otherwise never have talked to him, and she was imitating the noise of a jewsharp while making fun of his teacher.

He chimed in...
"Yes! He's got that little white spittle at the corners of his mouth all the time! It's distgusting..."

she cut him off...
"..and yet you just can't take your eyes off it! Hypnotizing, isn't it?"
He'd had to agree. He remembered now all those hours he'd spent listening to his teacher's lengthy chalk board explanations about integers and quotents, and all the while his focus had been on those two little blobs of white spittle, twins, one at each corner, that bounced and giggled at the opening and closing of his mouth. Vibrating and dancing. Ooo, how they could stretch and shrink, like two little rubber guitar strings. Sometimes they would change position , moving ever so slightly away from the corners, only to reappear back in place with another opening of his lips. It was repulsive and yet fascinating. But there was never a "wipe." He must've had no idea...

He came back now, looking up...

"So...what you're saying is, that I've got the dancing spit?"

Unsure of his meaning, and then sure...
"Yes"

"Oh, god..."

She again motioned, he leaned in and gave her peck on the lips. She rolled up the window and continued backing out...



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Comments welcome. Eh, sadly, I struggled whether to submit this as "humor" or..."non-fiction"- kevin

Cody
November 25th, 2011, 08:36 AM
This is super cute. The character are very real! This would be a great start to a fictional short. I like when people weave real life anecdotes into fictional stories. It would be a cute opening to an auto biography too.

Kevin
November 26th, 2011, 05:44 PM
Thanks Cody,
You posts things and then you wonder what people think about it, and then you get no response, so you just kind of move on.

Cody
November 27th, 2011, 01:16 AM
If you find that a week or so goes by with out getting any kind of response on your stuff just PM me! PM me if you feel like my responses are not critiquey enough for you and I will come back to it and do some brow knitting type thinking.

NickOehrlein
December 14th, 2011, 03:49 AM
Nice Job! I thought the story was great! This is a bit picky, I admit, but I think the story would be easier on the eyes if it were formatted a bit better. Other than that, it was a great, rich piece and I really like the development with the characters, especially the "( really hot, what was her name? No, can't remember..)". Great job and keep writing!

Peace and Love,
Nick Oehrlein

Kevin
December 17th, 2011, 08:13 PM
Thanks a lot, Nick. As far as format, I guess I could double space the gaps between the dialog/paragraphs. I don't know what else to do...

Cuppy
December 18th, 2011, 05:48 AM
It was well written, I just didn't understand a bit of it

Kevin
December 18th, 2011, 04:11 PM
It was well written, I just didn't understand a bit of it

:highly_amused: Thanks buddy, ha ha ha...(Oh well, I guess it's back to the drawing board)

Shpob
December 22nd, 2011, 04:28 PM
I liked it and smiled throughout. The conversation was realistic yet entertaining and I was able to "meet" the characters very easily. Although I was hoping towards the end that you would somehow connect the teacher's spit problem with the main character's spit problem with something like "I can tell that you learned more than just math from him".

= )

Insomnia7098
December 24th, 2011, 04:04 AM
I liked it. I'm not sure where you are planning to take this, though. Like someone else above me said, it would be a good start to a fiction novel and (honestly) may be able to just stand on its own. Realistic characters and interactions, and realistic thoughts. Not bad at all.

Sunny
December 24th, 2011, 05:56 AM
I really liked this. I thought it was funny, and it was so easy to keep going. I wanted to keep going. I had to know where it went. It was perfect the way you ended it too. It was cute! I enjoyed it. ;0)

IgorS
December 28th, 2011, 09:31 PM
It was a nice little read. The characters were well formed, but don't try so much with their actions. Good dialogue explains what a character is doing without having to tell it. Good story, though.