View Full Version : Creepy Short

November 20th, 2011, 04:24 AM
*Post deleted for publishing*

November 23rd, 2011, 06:23 PM
Great story, and nice unexpected ending.

The pace of the story is perfect.

I almost want to know more about that man now.

Keep going !

November 24th, 2011, 12:34 AM
Wow, that was amazingly written. Extremely creative, with a nice creation of mood. The building up of suspense, the ending, all were pitch perfect. If you were to continue, why not write an anthology about Madness personified? Perhaps not in the form you describe, but sort of like the general personification of Death, or the Red Death from Poe's short story.

November 24th, 2011, 12:57 AM
That was written really well. It takes a lot from a story to keep me interested, but here I found myself reading on. I like the ending, and I like the hints at the start. You have talent. Are you an aspiring writer?

November 24th, 2011, 01:44 AM
Thank you all so much for your comments. I am starting to work on a collection of creepy short stories so I'll post more as they get finished up. Some of them are a lot more tame but still the same feeling behind them. As for being an aspiring writer, it's a dream of mine.

November 24th, 2011, 02:17 PM
Hi Elipsis

I enjoyed this short, nice build up of suspense and a twist for the ending.

QDOS :cool:

November 25th, 2011, 06:50 AM
Oh man, I like it. I like how it is a completed short with a definitive beginning, middle, and end. I like the story lots, reminds me warm nights curled up with a clive barker. It's great as a stand alone, or as the mysterious start to some macabre misadventure. I did some 1,2 skip a fewing in the middle, because I was too excited to see how the whole thing came together. The creature was so exciting that I skipped over the "hunting"/chasing of it stuff and got right into the conclusion.

November 30th, 2011, 09:48 PM
Hi Elipsis - Great piece of writing, enjoyed reading it. There were a few spelling/grammatical errors, but they were few and far between and didn't douse my interest or distract me in any way. So well done, and I'll echo the views of another poster who liked the ending. I thought it was very different and also I like that you represented an emotion as a character, and also that the representation had an animal-like presence - it fits madness quite well! :lol:

December 21st, 2011, 10:37 PM
Great concept, well written, paced just right. Well done. More please.

December 23rd, 2011, 10:00 AM
decent horror short! i wasn't sure at a first glance because it's rather simple stylistically - conventional 'horror language', absence of dialogue, etc. but not bad at all!

December 23rd, 2011, 11:21 AM
This reminds me of the old-fashioned, truly creepy ghost stories I grew up with, there's just enough gore and mystery and twist to keep you on the edge of your seat till the end.

In my opinion, you could lose the last line of dialogue at the end and it would work even better- maybe the only way she can communicate with him is through the song? Perhaps he finally hears the words she's been singing all along?. Your readers might spend ages wondering if he was hallucinating or being haunted- but it's just a suggestion.

There are a couple of places where it looks like two words have been squished into one- like on the second line. This could be from the post editor...

Also here: "staring down at her and sawing back an fourth with her." - do you mean 'swaying'?

Good job!

December 31st, 2011, 11:54 PM
Thank you all again for your comments and suggestions. Most of the typos did come from copying and pasting from the word processor. I got pretty OCD about tracking them all down but did miss a couple. Only the second draft though, so no big deal.

"staring down at her and sawing back an fourth with her." - do you mean 'swaying'?
Yup. I'll be sure to fix that in the final draft. As to your suggestion about cutting out the final dialogue, I do have an alternate version where he passes out at that point so the story can continue. Haven't quite decided on it yet, since I've been working on other ideas in the meantime. I will be sure to start putting up more soon.

Thank you for reading!

January 8th, 2012, 03:08 PM
Wow this is excellent! I love the almost Victorian feeling to the narration which reminds me slightly of Gerald Durrell's gothic horror short story, The Entrance. I think it's a strong testament to your writing that it held me effortlessly to the end.

January 10th, 2012, 03:49 PM
Well this is a great story, elipsis. It really held my attention and I found it similar in style to the kind of short stories that I love to write as well. It's always great to hold a twist close to your chest right up until the end!

Although nowhere near the literary greatness of examples provided by others above, the story reminded me of Richard Laymon's better short stories; although often I found that Laymon would pull the trigger a little early with his tales and descend into the violence a little too easily.

Your story is well balanced, well written and most importantly, a highly enjoyable read; I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work!

January 14th, 2012, 02:56 AM
Wow this is excellent! I love the almost Victorian feeling to the narration...
Thank you! I'm glad you picked up on that!

Also, thank you Mightyblues78 for your crit.

I will be adding something a little more light-hearted (though a similar style) tonight for those of you who liked this one.