PDA

View Full Version : Opinions on my fight scene and ideas for me if you can



Scintillescent
November 19th, 2011, 12:51 AM
Hi, this is my first post here! :)

Eherm, anyway I asked this question on Yahoo! Answers, some say the details are unnecessary but others say its good.
Possible this fight scene might be familiar since I posted it on Yahoo! Answers.

The boy exclaimed in surprise as he is gazing at the two teenagers fighting each other with his mother who stare in horror.

“Somebody stop them!”

I look at the woman who yelled, but I heard a voice screaming “retard!”

I quickly turn my head around and swiftly sweep his fist away from me. The muscular figure growled in frustration and decided to throw another punch at me, so I quickly weaved under his thick arm and slammed my forearm into his thick neck, he staggered away in pain, but as he glanced at me, his eyes were full of fury, and he shriek “You son of a *censored*!" (censored for obvious reasons)

I grunted in pain as my chin cracked painfully to the side, the man’s fist sending Jacob shot of pain through the jaw, as he staggered to the side, legs like pudding and vision to two tunnels.

All I can see is that punk smiling and so I decided to give him my forehead, all I can heard is a painfully crack which sounded like a nose just broke, I open my eyes and I see the huge figure grasping his nose with his open palm sobbing like a newborn baby on the concrete floor.

Suddenly, it went dark.

Sooo, what do you guys think?

Also please offer me ideas so I can make it better :)

My apologies if I posted this in the wrong section :(

Man From Mars
November 19th, 2011, 03:28 AM
I'll give it a shot, but my advice is opinion and is free so keep that in mind.

>The boy exclaimed in surprise as he is gazing at the two teenagers fighting each other with his mother who stare in horror.

First, tense is off. You start with past tense (exclaimed) and switched to present (is) in one sentence. And that first sentence is very wordy for a fight scene. Try breaking it up into two easily read sentences. The last thing you want to do in a quick-paced scene is slow down the reader with excessive wordiness.

>“Somebody stop them!”

>I look at the woman who yelled, but I heard a voice screaming “retard!”

This sentence is a bit confusing for me because it references the previous line. I think we should be morning forward not backward.

>I quickly turn my head around and swiftly sweep his fist away from me.

Quickly and swiftly don't work here (or ever, usually). Try something that has more impact (pun not intended). "I blink when I see his fist fly at me. Reflex took over as I swung and pushed his hand away." Something like that.

>The muscular figure growled in frustration and decided to throw another punch at me,

Leave out "in frustration" because it's redundant. Through his growling we know he's frustrated. Here is where you can add some tension. What are the odds against the main character? Is the muscular guy's face red? Is he sweating, tired, or just getting warmed up? Is this a David vs. Goliath fight?

>so I quickly weaved under his thick arm and slammed my forearm into his thick neck,

You used "thick" twice here; delete the first one, keep the second. Why? I don't need to know his arm is thick as he's throwing it. His physique has already been established, however his thick neck not only reinforces his musculature but also creates in me the sensation of hitting my elbow against a slab of meat, thereby drawing me into the scene.

>he staggered away in pain,

I don't need the "in pain" part if you can show me through his reaction that he was in pain - coughing, choking, eyes watering, (the staggering works well).

>but as he glanced at me, his eyes were full of fury,

"His eyes were full of fury" doesn't show me that he was mad, but tells me, which has less of an impact.

>and he shriek “You son of a *censored*!" (censored for obvious reasons)

He shrieks.

>I grunted in pain as my chin cracked painfully to the side,

Used pain twice. Be mindful of the words you use because the same ones over and over tends to get repetitive. Go simpler. "I grunted as my chin cracked to the side" works better, though I don't understand the choice of "cracked" there.

>the man’s fist sending Jacob shot of pain through the jaw, as he staggered to the side, legs like pudding and vision to two tunnels.

This confused me since I don't know who Jacob is. If he's the main character then it means you've shifted from first person narrator to third, which is extremely jarring for the reader. I've only seen it done once in a novel, and that was because the main character was schizophrenic. In my opinion this sentence needs some cleanup. I don't really know what's going on.

>All I can see is that punk smiling and so I decided to give him my forehead,

Try: "All I see is that punk smiling, so I decide to give him my forehead." Another tense shift again. I've found that these are really hard to catch when you're writing in present tense. I always have to double and triple check.


>[New sentence] all I can heard is a painfully crack which sounded like a nose just broke, I open my eyes and I see the huge figure grasping his nose with his open palm sobbing like a newborn baby on the concrete floor.

I'm seeing a lot of stuff packaged into one sentence, and unfortunately it's starting to seep out. Sentences have a certain flow to them. Maybe try something like this: "I hear a crack. I open my eyes to see the huge figure grasping his nose on the concrete floor, sobbing like a newborn baby."

>Suddenly, it went dark.

I try to avoid (if at all possible) suddenly's, instantly's, or immediately's. Try: "Then it goes dark."

Probably the biggest thing is working on your sentences. There's a bit too much shoved into them. Keep in mind the basic things like tense and point of view. For me, fight scenes have less to do with the individual punches and kicks, and instead have more to do with the emotional pieces of a fight - the odds of winning, what's on the line, character's fears, etc.

Hope that helps.

Scintillescent
November 19th, 2011, 05:51 PM
Is this any better? I asked this question about my new fight scene on Yahoo! Answers but one said its incredible lacking because I tell instead of showing? I see a huge man coming toward me, cracking his knuckles in expectation.

I blink (previously it was blinked* But someone was kind enough to point it out at Yahoo! Answers) and saw a fist coming toward my face, but reflex took over as I swung and slapped his hand away.

I glance at his face and saw it was full of rage. His body stiff but it forced itself to throw another punch at me; I weaved under his arm and slammed my forearm into his thick neck. He staggered away, clasping his neck. I saw my chance, I charged toward him, throwing a punch at his throat, and he fell to the ground choking.

Also, would anyone be kind enough how to show instead of tell? Pretty please? :P

Also one more thing, Thank you for telling me your advice Man from Mars :)

One more thing, one of The Yahoo! Answers member how to do show but I need more examples, sort of hard to get it through me xD

EDIT: I think I sort of how to do Show instead of tell, I googled it, Lol xD!

Robdemanc
November 19th, 2011, 06:01 PM
Hi. I agree that some of your tense is mixed (past and present). But I love the way you describe the fight. My favourite line:

"so I decided to give him my forehead" - Brilliant

I was confused with: "the man’s fist sending Jacob shot of pain through the jaw" - What is jacob?

In summary you need to pay attention to the tense. Don't use past and present together, only use one. Also you told the scene in first person, so you cannot say what your oponent decides: "The muscular figure growled in frustration and decided to throw another punch"

But I like it and it was short and punchy (no joke intended), I don't like readin fight scenes that are detailed, I think they should be quick. Just like a real fight.

Robdemanc
November 19th, 2011, 06:10 PM
Show instead of tell. This is a long topic and posts on this site already deal with it. It means that a reader does not want the author to tell them the significant things. The author should show. So instead of saying "Jack was nervous", you should say "Jack bit his fingernails, sweat began to seep from his brow, under the table his leg began to twitch and he could feel his heart beating faster". The second sentence is showing the reader the reactions of Jack, so there is no need for the author to tell the reader that Jack is nervous. The whole point is to respect the reader, allow them to reach their own conclusion. If it looks ambigous then that is usually fine. The example I gave above could equally work if Jack was frightened.

Man From Mars
November 19th, 2011, 06:22 PM
I blink (previously it was blinked* But someone was kind enough to point it out at Yahoo! Answers) and saw a fist coming toward my face, but reflex took over as I swung and slapped his hand away.

I glance at his face and saw it was full of rage. His body stiff but it forced itself to throw another punch at me; I weaved under his arm and slammed my forearm into his thick neck. He staggered away, clasping his neck. I saw my chance, I charged toward him, throwing a punch at his throat, and he fell to the ground choking.

Also one more thing, Thank you for telling me your advice Man from Mars



No problem. I like helping where I can.

The pacing and sentence structure is getting better. Good work.

Like the person above me said, you changed tenses, but I think you're much more suited to past tense (hit, charged, fell) rather than present tense (hits, charges, falls) - most writers are.

Showing instead of telling:

Tell - He looked mad as he panted.

Show - Veins rose from his flexing muscles as his chest heaved with deep breaths. (A little wordy, but it's the first draft and I think it makes the point)

Instead of just saying something outright, describe it. That doesn't mean you should always show and never tell. Each has its place, but it takes experience to know when and where to use them.

Scintillescent
November 20th, 2011, 06:05 PM
Awesome!

Thank you Robdemanc and man From Mars! :)