View Full Version : "A Circle in a Spiral" (Part Of ) Chapter 1

November 16th, 2011, 11:12 PM
A Circle in a Spiral

Written By Rick Thorpe

Chapter One

Rain is hitting the moonlit streets hard, water is pouring over the sides of the pavements and onto the damaged roads. The rain water mixes with the oil soaked tarmac to create colourful pools upon an almost grey setting. The streets get more and more deserted as everybody tries to shield themselves from the rain. Street lights flicker as night draws in, revealing more colour on the rain soaked landscape.

A dark shadowy figure of a man, walks out of a residential complex and begins to travel down towards a local pub. The rain is pounding is long leather coat, as he walks towards his destination. Water running from his hair down across his face, as he wipes away the drops, he sees someone standing in the middle of the road.

“Are you ok?” he shouts to the person. He gets no reply. “Hello, are you alright?” he shouts again. Still no reply. He then sees a set of headlights drawing closer and closer to the figure in the road. “WATCH OUT!!!” he cries, but just as the car is about to hit the figure in the road, it disappears. Wiping more water away from his face, the man is stunned at what he has just seen.

“I could have sworn I just saw….” He stops himself mid sentence as he feels he is sounding crazy. He continues his walk down the rain soaked street towards the pub. As he gets to the end of the pavement he sees that it has only just opened, so he checks both sides of the road and proceeds to cross. The empty streets seem to unnerve him as he crosses the road but he still proceeds. He walks through the door of the pub, takes his usual seat at the bar and orders his usual bottle of whiskey.

After a few glasses, he begins to think about what he has just seen.

“Was it real? Was I imagining it? How can someone just disappear in the blink of an eye?” he thinks to himself as he takes another shot of whiskey.

This isn’t the first time he has seen someone ‘disappear’. Two years ago he saw something similar. He saw a figure of a woman standing on the edge of a bridge. He cried out to her but she jumped, but before her body hit the ground, she disappeared. He tried to tell himself that it was just his mind playing tricks on him. But because of what he saw, he decided to quit his job as the manager of a big marketing company, his reasons were because the stress was getting to him and he needed a break away from what he was doing.

Whilst sitting at the bar he reflects on his life and tries to rationalise the thing he thinks he’s just seen.

“It’s just my mind playing tricks on me, I must be tired and my eyes are seeing things that aren’t there. Yeah that’s it.” He says to himself.

After an hour, he has emptied the bottle of its contents, hands it back to the barman, gets off the stool he was sat on and heads for the door. He stumbles through it back into the street. The rain had stopped before he exited the building, however the street is still wet, the air is musky and cold and the man stumbles across the road and heads towards the building where he lives.

On his way home, he sees the figure he saw on the way to the pub again, this time he sees it’s the figure of a woman. He can’t make out her face, but from the way she was dressed he seemed to recognise her, just not where from. He goes up to the figure, just as he’s about to say something, the figure turns and starts to walk away.

“WAIT!” He cries out to her, but she seems to ignore him. He starts to follow her, in hope of catching up, but the faster he moves, the faster she does. He begins to run, she begins to slow, as he catches up to her he puts a hand out as if to touch her shoulder, as he does this she disappears again, causing him to fall, face first on the pavement.

He gets up, brushes himself down, checks to see if anybody is around, but the street is totally deserted, in fact if there hadn’t been any street lights, there would have been nothing on the street. He begins to walk again, blaming the drink for his fall and walks home.

As he walks through his front door, he heads straight for the bedroom. As soon as he makes it into the bedroom, he falls straight on the bed and is instantly asleep.

December 11th, 2011, 03:22 AM
Interesting storyline, but it has a odd point of view. It starts as if it's first person, but then the man is described as he and it itsn't first person anymore. Very confusing. Hope that makes sense. If the story started out like..."Rain hit the moonlit streets hard. Water poured over the sides of the pavements onto the damaged road, mixing with the oil soaked"... Then when you're in the right place to use he did this or that. As you continued on the piece was easier to read. I hope this puts your story back on top and that someone else comments on it. There are puctuation things too, but maybe it's just the British way of using it, so I'll keep quiet on that.

River Girl
December 11th, 2011, 03:40 AM
Very compelling first chapter. The mystery of the unidentified man and woman is very interesting. I wanted to keep reading to find out what/who they were and why this man was seeing them. Great job describing the scenes, as well. Your descriptions painted a vivid picture of the street, the bar, and the characters. Well done! As egpenny pointed out, there is a strange POV happening in the first para. However, I can't decide if it's good odd or distracting odd. Definitely unique. I'll keep an eye out for your next chapter!

December 14th, 2011, 03:03 AM
Very good job Wildie!

I really appreciated the mystery and intrigue. The idea of the disappearing people, I thought, was fantastic and really kept me reading. The POV, as mentioned before, made it a bite tricky to read through. I know it's a short excerpt, but I'd like to feel more attatchment to the main character. It almost seemed like it was a report from a newsperson. In my opinion, add things about the main character that make him distinguishable. I think you did a good job doing this, but adding a bit more development would be like icing to the cake:) I also like how you described that he had once worked as a manager, but maybe try finding a way to show instead of tell. Other than that, I would certainly keep reading this story! Great job and keep up the work:D

Peace and Love,
Nick Oehrlein

January 1st, 2012, 10:56 PM
thanks guys for the positive feedback, just to elt you know I am close to finishing the story (all be it a short story ) and I shall post up ther finished work on here very soon and river girl, i shall inform you know when i post it

The Backward OX
January 2nd, 2012, 01:02 AM
My mind was windmilling, trying to make sense of the whole thing.

“The streets get more and more deserted”

“deserted” is an absolute. They cannot become more and more deserted.

January 2nd, 2012, 01:25 AM
its just a 1st draft..........ironing out the wrinkles

April 10th, 2013, 11:37 PM

April 29th, 2013, 10:34 PM
Upon is a bit of an archaic word, I'd always prefer to use the simpler 'on'.

May 3rd, 2013, 09:58 PM
I don't like the beginning. No matter how elegant you can phrase it, don't open a chapter or worse yet the story with, "it was a dark and stormy night."
This is always rule #1 on almost every fiction tips and hints list.
Ten rules for writing fiction | Books | guardian.co.uk (http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/feb/20/ten-rules-for-writing-fiction-part-one)

Watch out for the use of "is." This is one of thos red flag words that makes the sentence sound like its in the passive voice.(even if it technically isn't.)

Describing the setting, using the word "setting" is in my opinion, too overt, and at the same time too vague. focus your reader on something, let them pull their camera of the mind in and out as they need.

I have the sneaking suspicion you have a good plan for a story here, don't louse it up in the telling. Much luck.