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wildie1990
November 14th, 2011, 11:37 PM
This is my attempt at a short childrens story, I wrote it for my little cousin as a christmas present, he seems to like it, I hope you do to




Alfie and the Dinosaur

Once upon a time there was a little boy called Alfie, who lived in a house with his Mummy, Nana and Granddad. One day Alfie’s Mummy woke him up to show him something in the garden.

Nana and Granddad were standing at the back door waiting for Alfie to come and see. Alfie looked out of the back door to see a really big DINOSAUR standing there!!!!

The dinosaur was as big as the house. “Hello” said the dinosaur.
“Hello, my names Alfie, what’s yours? Asked Alfie.
“My names Jason” said the dinosaur “And I’m your new pet dinosaur!”
“WOW!!!!” said Alfie turning to him Mummy “Can we go to the park and play Mummy?”
“Of course we can” said Mummy “We can take some sandwiches and have a picnic”
“Can I have jam sandwiches please?” Asked Jason “They’re my favourite”
“Of course you can Jason, I’ll make them for you” said Nana.

At the park, Granddad and Alfie were playing hide and seek with Jason, then they played football, Nana and Mummy were watching them and cheering. After playing football, they were all tired so they went to sit down and have their picnic.

Alfie and Jason loved the sandwiches that Mummy and Nana had made them. After they finished their picnic, they started to walk back home. Just as they got home, an ice cream van stopped at the front of the house so Granddad bought everybody a big ice cream.

After the ice cream, Alfie was feeling very sleepy, it was nearly his bedtime. Alfie gave Nana and Granddad a kiss and cuddle and said goodnight. Mummy picked him up to say goodnight to Jason. He gave Jason a really big cuddle and said goodnight.

Mummy carries Alfie upstairs, puts him in his pyjamas and puts him into bed. As soon as his head touches his pillow, Alfie fell asleep.
“Goodnight Alfie, sweet dreams” said Mummy “Because we’ll be having lots more fun tomorrow.”

Cody
November 27th, 2011, 04:01 AM
I once wrote a story for a child. I drew pictures and wrote him in as the main guy. He loved it, even though I didn't think it was that good. Your Alfie story is a lot better written than my Dragon one was. I think that the best thing people who like to write can do is to write something for a child who is special to them. Even if it seems like a little thing to us to have written it, it will go treasured by them for a lifetime! It is also a great way to open them to a world of story telling. It is a great thing to take the time to read to a child, but it is even more special when the stuff you read is coming from your heart.

Italy
December 15th, 2011, 09:01 PM
I love it, the instant bond between Alfie and Jason is charming. If you could find an illustrator (or even do it yourself) this could become a great children's picture book!

bazz cargo
February 6th, 2012, 10:19 PM
Hi Wildie,
You put a smile on my face. There is not a kid in the land who wouldn't love a dinosaur for a friend.
Thanks for sharing. :tyrannosaurus:

Canis
February 10th, 2012, 04:38 AM
Alfie and the Dinosaur
Once upon a time, there was a little boy called Alfie. He lived in a house with his Mummy, Nana and Granddad. One day, Alfie’s Mummy woke him up to show him something in the garden.
Nana and Granddad were standing at the back door waiting for Alfie to come and see. Alfie looked out of the back door to see a really big DINOSAUR standing there!!!!
The dinosaur was as big as the house. “Hello,” said the dinosaur.
“Hello, my names Alfie. What’s yours?" asked Alfie.
“My name's Jason,” said the dinosaur, “and I’m your new pet dinosaur!”
“WOW!!!!” said Alfie turning to his Mummy, “Can we go to the park and play Mummy?”
“Of course we can,” said Mummy, “We can take some sandwiches and have a picnic.”
“Can I have jam sandwiches please?” asked Jason, “They’re my favourite.”
“Of course you can Jason, I’ll make them for you.” said Nana.
At the park, Granddad and Alfie played hide and seek with Jason, then they played football. Nana and Mummy were watching them and cheering. After playing football, they were all tired, so they went to sit down and have their picnic.
Alfie and Jason loved the sandwiches that Mummy and Nana had made them. After they finished their picnic, they started to walk back home. Just as they got home, an ice cream van stopped at the front of the house, so Granddad bought everybody a big ice cream.
After the ice cream, Alfie was feeling very sleepy, because it was nearly his bedtime. Alfie gave Nana and Granddad a kiss and cuddle and said goodnight. Mummy picked him up to say goodnight to Jason. He gave Jason a really big cuddle and said goodnight.
Mummy carried Alfie upstairs, put him in his pyjamas and put him into bed. As soon as his head touched his pillow, Alfie fell asleep.
“Goodnight Alfie, sweet dreams,” said Mummy, “we’ll be having lots more fun tomorrow.”

---


I don't know if a critique of grammar is what you were looking for but I went ahead and edited it anyways. On grammar, remember: if you start out in the past tense, maintain that tense. You switched to present tense a couple times, as you can see in the bold edits. Also, remember to put your apostrophe/punctuation at the end of a quoted sentence, once again see the bold edits. Lastly, remember the apostrophe in a contraction, name is should be name's.

On the content of the story, this made me grin and made me think how much my nieces would love a story about themselves. If I saw this on a shelf, I would buy this for my nephew. The story is very sweet and could make the Grinch smile. I hope this helps. Cheers.

Duncan21
February 29th, 2012, 10:26 PM
I second Italy's comment about an illustrator. It reminds me of a dinosaur story I read as a little kid Danny and the Dinosaur - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_and_the_Dinosaur).

thecostumedanceparty
October 7th, 2012, 06:26 PM
I like how it's so random!

qwertyportne
October 11th, 2012, 01:54 AM
My grand children would love a story like this! I truly thought you would name the dinosaur Dino! By the way, having all the text centered made it more difficult to read, at least for me. I hope you find a way to illustrate it.

--Bill

summergenevieve
June 11th, 2013, 02:01 PM
I know so many children who would love a story like this. If you wrote more short stories you should make a little collection book of them. It'd be lovely. :)