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View Full Version : Adulation is Overrated



nath881
November 14th, 2011, 01:40 AM
I do not miss you. That sounds wrong, I know, but I don't anymore. At first I did, at first it ached to be away from you, you were alwayshovering at the peripheries. Every single thing I saw sent you hurtling into my thoughts, everywhere I turned, there you were, like a faithful hound. But not now. See, you were my drug, before I met you I was fairly happy, I was alright, I would've been okay. But then we met and it felt like my world had been blown into trillions of twisted fragments. I didn't know how to process this feeling you had instilled in me. I was an unloved mutt shown a home, every fibre in my body was screaming at me to leave, telling me that this was too good to be true. Imagine my euphoria when I discovered that my reflexive extinct was wrong, that it wasn't too good to be true. That you did love me. That feeling didn't last long.

To me, love is chemical. That sounds clinical, almost cold. But that's just how I feel. So when we happened to be a good match, when we clicked, when my life was consumed with torturous thoughts of you, I didn't know what to do. It would have been fine if I could've seen you everyday, my addiction would've been fed. But unfortunately I was a starving junkie falling into a pit. Every second of my day was dedicated to wishing that I was with you. All other things were put aside, while my body would be systematically performing a task, my mind would be miles away, naively floating atop a volcano ofadulation, waiting for it to explode.

Reflecting on our time together, I'm unsure of the accuracy of the word 'love'; to me it had always been a chemical fix, your company was something that I needed intrinsically, and any desirous feelings I had for you probably stemmed from my nature, my being, my need for you, not my want for you. I do not mean to offend, I promise, even as I write this I can feel you in my thoughts, trying to surface, trying to make me see you again, because the truth is that I do love you. It's just comparatively pale when viewed through the lens of obsession.

I suppose the purpose of this, the purpose of putting these words onto a page, is to attempt to rid them from my head. It hasn't worked, your voice is still there, more than that, I'm happy about it. I'm still an unloved mutt. Only now it's worse, now I know how it feels to have a home, and I'm colder for it. I have you to blame for that.

Vertigo
November 14th, 2011, 05:51 AM
1) Is this semi-autobiographical; a kiss-off to someone?

2) The styles of the opening lines of the middle two paragraphs, both with the "love is chemical" lines, are too similar and could benefit from some reworking to make them less sibling and more cousin. Focus mostly on the second one, maybe tacking an "as" on immediately following the semicolon.

3) I don't really care for the dog metaphors. You drop them throughout, just enough to make me wonder a little if the piece isn't from the POV of a dog, but you don't make them truly explicit. As such, I would probably group them together, or eliminate them from the piece entirely... or just add more of them. Allegory doesn't suck unless it's religious and preachy.

4) Flow is a little choppy. With a lot of sentences needing to be combined. See what I mean?

L Marrick
November 14th, 2011, 07:45 PM
I don't mind the choppy flow. For me, it works with the content/attitude of the piece. Lots of emotion comes through. Some of the words themselves seemed a little out of place or misused, almost like English was the writer's second language. For instance, "I suppose the purpose of this, the purpose of putting these words onto a page, is to attempt to rid them from my head." That feels a little unnatural. I would be able to go with something like "I guess I'm writing this to get thoughts of you out of my head and onto the page." Also, watch out for redundancy.

Worlds
November 15th, 2011, 02:10 AM
Hey nath, I enjoyed reading your little piece. reminds me of some flash fiction style shorts ive written, though im not sure ive posted any of them on this forum. Maybe I will. I always enjoy works that are emotional in bent because, as any human knows, emotions are a huge part of our daily lives. To ignore them is silly, to try and deal with them is hard, and writing is a great way of doing that. I'm gonna go through your piece and put in remarks in red as I go. I don't know how mush I will do, but I tend to be wordy so dont be discouraged by a lot of red lol that just means it made me think, which is good!



I do not miss you. I like this as a first sentence That sounds wrong, I know, but I don't anymore.instead of repeating the first line, try finding a differenmt way of saying it that gives us, the reader, something else as well At first I did, at first it ached to be away from you, you were always space here hovering at the peripheries. Every single thing what kind of things? I saw sent you hurtling into my thoughts, everywhere I turned, there you were, like a faithful hound. But not now. See, you were my drug,maybe a period here? before I met you I was fairly happy, I was alright, I would've been okay. But then we met and it felt like my world had been blown into trillions of twisted fragments i like the illiteration with the hard t sounds here. I didn't know how to process this feeling you had instilled in me. I was an unloved mutt shown a home, every fiber in my body was screaming at me to leave, telling me that this was too good to be true.expand on these two ideas, one of the feeling you had and the other of the too good to be true sentiment. seperating them will make them more powerful Imagine my euphoria when I discovered that my reflexive extinct was wrong, that it wasn't too good to be true. That you did love me. That feeling didn't last long.like these last two sentences

To me, love is chemical. That sounds clinical, almost cold. But that's just how I feel.combine these last two sentences So when we happened to be a good match, when we clicked, when my life was consumed with torturous were your thoughts already torturous, this early in the relationship? thoughts of you, I didn't know what to do. It would have been fine if I could've seen you everyday, my addiction would've been fed. But unfortunately I was a starving junkie falling into a pit. Every second of my day was dedicated to wishing that I was with you. All other things were put aside, split into two sentences here. while my body would be systematically performing a task, my mind would be miles away, naively floating atop a volcano of space adulation, waiting for it to explode.

Reflecting on our time together, I'm unsure of the accuracy of the word 'love'; to me it had always been a chemical fix this is repetitive from the second paragraph, your company was something that I needed intrinsically good, and any desirous feelings I had for you probably stemmed from my nature, my being, my need for you get rid of this last clause, not my want for you. I do not mean to offend, I promise,two sentences here even as I write this I can feel you in my thoughts, trying to surface, trying to make me see you again, because the truth is that I do love you. It's just comparatively pale when viewed through the lens of obsession.ooooh i like this idea of the difference between love and obsession, and of how the latter gets in the way of the former

I suppose the purpose of this, the purpose of putting these words onto a page, is to attempt to rid them from my head. It hasn't worked, your voice is still there, more than that, I'm happy about it. I'm still an unloved mutt. Only now it's worse, now I know how it feels to have a home, and I'm colder for it. I have you to blame for that. I like the opposing feelings going on here, we as humans are often like that.



Perhaps this needs some expansion. There are some great ideas in here, but I feel they need more space to be flushed out. Perhaps a story, an anecdote that illustrates your feelings? Take my words with a grain of salt, I am just a student of writing, same as you! I look forward to reading more, as well as a second draft of this, should you choose to do one! Good day!