View Full Version : Requiem (excerpt from a short story)

November 12th, 2011, 06:16 PM
When I woke up only the janitor remained. When he saw me, he left.

I brushed my fingers along the silk lining, rising from my sheet-less bed with half cracked eyes. My body felt stiff, as if the drowsy remnants of an eternal rest still clung to my physical being. My fingers crunched as I curled them around the bedís banister, and my tendons twisted between my bones. I lifted myself onto the floor and rubbed my eyes open; a garden of chrysanthemums surrounded me, bundled in small bouquets at the end of each pew.

November 12th, 2011, 06:36 PM
I think that this is excellent and I hope that there is more coming for me to read. The only thing I notice is that you started two consecutive sentences with "My". Even so, that is not necessarily a detractor. You have a beautiful way with words and imagery.

Keep writing.

November 14th, 2011, 01:34 AM
Great imagery in this, I particularly liked the effect of 'drowsy remnants of an eternal rest still clung to my physical being' as it implied a detachment of the speakers mind from his body. 'Drowsy remnants' also stood out to me as it is a subtle indicator that the speaker did not remember what happened the during or before the 'eternal rest'. Overall I would say fantastic use of language in this and great manipulation of the readers thoughts. I can't speak for everyone who reads this but I personally felt as though the text had a strong purpose and a great impact in hinting at the over arching story of the piece.

I honestly can't think of any negative criticism for this. I would just say carry on with this theme and style and I can't wait to read more.

November 14th, 2011, 05:31 AM
Well-contructed, vivid start. No criticisms of the prose from me, but as for nerot's comment about starting two consecutive sentences with "my"- might I suggest combining the sentences into a list, considering their similar format.

Also, though I hate to say it, you might want to change the title of this as it, combined with the first few lines, gives me a pretty solid idea of where you're going with this. (A requiem being a prayer for the dead and all.)

L Marrick
November 15th, 2011, 12:39 AM
Excellent! I can't think of any negative crit for this, either. I loved your use of language, which all subtly directs the reader to form a conclusion without actually coming out and stating that conclusion. The first sentence was engrossing. Phrases like "silk lining," "fingers crunched," and "tendons twisted beneath my bones" are very vivid, and made me think as I was reading. If there was any doubt in my mind as to what was going on, you expelled it by including chyrsanthemums. Nice use of symbolism. If I have to come up with something to critique, I'd say you don't need the "eternal rest" phrase. That's a little on the nose, when the rest of this is so subtle. Nicely done!