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gdaly7
November 12th, 2011, 01:28 AM
This is just the beginning.

Dru sat in the Dodge County Police Office. Wondering how all this had happen? Tears flowed effortlessly and without ceasing, down her cheeks. Her long blonde hair sticking to her face. Her mother was five miles away in the county hospital; Dru had no idea what was going on?

Dru had come home after school, and found her mother unconscious on the floor of the upstairs bathroom. Vomit, and sweat covering her. Was she dead? No. Dru raced to the phone and called 911.

“She is going to be ok.” The 911 dispatcher assured her over and over again. “She is going to be ok.”

“Was your mother on any drugs? Was your mother depressed? Was she seeing her therapist regularly? Was she taking her medication?”

“I don’t know” Dru answered to the EMT’s questions as they strapped her mother to a gurney and loaded her into the ambulance.
The next three hours had swirled around her. Her mother had been dealing with depression and she didn’t even know it. Her mother had attempted suicide and she hadn’t even seen the warning signs. Her mother; her happy, cheerful, workaholic mother. A mother Dru wasn’t even sure she really knew anymore.

The rest of the night came and went, Dru stayed at a friend’s house. Her mother still in the hospital; Dru went to school the next morning. But it all went by in a haze. People stopped and stared in the halls, she didn’t care. They whispered, but she didn’t hear them. She was too preoccupied. What would happen next? Her mother had tried to kill herself; certainly this would turn her whole world upside down. The school day ended without any news. She packed up her backpack, filling it to the brim with all of her textbooks. Hoping they might preoccupy her in the time ahead. She grabbed her coat and headed out the front doors of the small high school, to a sunshine that seemed so out of place in the gloomy mood that was now drifting over her life.

Standing by his parked police car, disrupting the flow of the parking lot traffic, Sergeant Jones waved her over. Beside him stood a tall respectable man in a long, dark brown trench coat. He looked semi familiar. Dru waved and walked glumly over; preparing herself for whatever the news might be coming.

“Your mother is going to be ok.” Sergeant Jones said, as she reached him, with a reassuring grin. “It’s going to be a long time until she finally recovers but she’s going to get better.” He took a pause. “Dru, there is someone I would like to introduce you too.” He added and gesturing to the man next to him in the trench coat continued. “This is your father, Henri.”

“Hello, Drusilla” He said in a thick European accent, embracing her. Dru stood there awkward, her hands at her side. They hadn’t told her he was coming. What was he doing here? Dru had never met her father, but something about a man who didn’t show up until his ex-lover tries to commit suicide doesn’t sound too appealing.

She looked into his face. They were certainly her features, the same piercing blue eyes, good bone structure, and beach blonde hair. The same expressions and emotions in the eyebrows.

“I have to get back to the station,” said Sergeant Jones hopping back into the dusty old police car. “I’ll see you later.” Leaving Dru alone with her father.

“I have a car too.” Her father said ushering Dru to the new white Escalade that sat parked right behind were the police car sat moments ago. “It’s just a rental, for while I’m here.”

Dru hesitatingly got in the car; it was immaculately clean, with the new car smell shampooed into the carpet. She put her backpack, behind her in the empty middle row of the Escalade. He had way more seating than he actually needed; maybe he’s one of those guys, the ones that like showing off in their big, fancy cars. She raised her seat and adjusted the headrest, settling in. Her father got in and started driving down familiar roads towards the small two-bed room house that belonged to her mother. Dru just kept flicking the switch that heated the seats, on and off, saying nothing.

Her father spoke up just as they reached the last stretch of road before home said. “I talked to your mother this morning. She is doing quite well. Your mother, her doctors and I were discussing what is going to happen next with her treatment and we decided it would probably be best if you came to live with me for a while, while your mother is gets better.” Dru didn’t say anything. “She is going to be admitted into a treatment facility near where I live.”

Pulling into the driveway he parked his car behind Dru’s mother’s eight year old, previously owned, Jalopy and cut the engine. Dru’s father grabbed his suitcase from the trunk, a small Italian leather bag, and together they entered the house.

The mail push through the front door mail slot, sat in a disheveled pile on the entrance floor. Dru didn’t really care. Her father set his suitcase on the floor in the hallway. “So are you hungry?” He said heading to the kitchen, surveying the surroundings.

“Do you want some grilled chesses or something?” He asked. Pulling a pan from the cupboard, ingredients from the fridge and lighting the gas stove. Dru didn’t respond. Instead she just made her way through the kitchen ignoring him: grabbing a bowl, milk, and the half empty box of cereal that still sat on the counter from breakfast the other day. She headed to her room in silence. How could he just come into her life like that?

Dru sat alone eating soggy lucky charms cereal and pouring over her textbooks, when there was a knock at her bedroom door. Her father waited for a reply, but when none came entered her room. “Do you want to go see your mother?” He asked standing in her doorway.

What do you think?

L Marrick
November 14th, 2011, 07:35 PM
You've got some great stuff here, but it felt rushed. I think you need to "show not tell" more, especially at the beginning. I think finding her mother in that situation would merit more than a few cursory paragraphs. You could work some of the most traumatic moments into her day at school, emphasizing that people are staring at her, and flashing back to vivid moments (just a thought). Also, she just trusted that this man was her father? Granted, the sheriff introduced him, but I don't think that would be enough for me. I'd like to feel the awkwardness between them a little more. Again, good material!

Italy
December 15th, 2011, 08:58 PM
You've got a few errors, and the title is weak.
I agree with L, it's good material but needs more body to it. The awkwardness needs to be more prominent as L pointed out.
There are also a few question marks where periods should be.
If you worked on it some more then it would be great!

courtneyanne9
March 16th, 2012, 06:06 PM
I agree with LMarrick and Italy. There is a lot of opportunity for you to bring more depth to the characters and the plot, even in this first chapter. And there are several errors that could be fixed with some editing. It's a great start - I definitely want to know more!

Red
May 24th, 2012, 10:17 PM
Overall I liked it. Lots of grammar errors, but it was written pretty well. Only thing is, I feel like there should be more written about what's going on between her and her father. I mean, she's meeting her dad for the first time and, as much as I get why she would ignore him, because this is first person, she should at least be expressing multiple emotions in her thoughts.

Quick idea on how to change your wording:
This...
"Dru sat in the Dodge County Police Office. Wondering how all this had happen? Tears flowed effortlessly and without ceasing, down her cheeks. Her long blonde hair sticking to her face. Her mother was five miles away in the county hospital; Dru had no idea what was going on?"
To something like this...
Dru sat in the Dodge County Police Office, wondering how this could have happened. Tears flowed effortlessly and without ceasing down her cheeks. She pushed her blonde hair over her shoulder, feeling frustrated as the long strands stuck to her face where the tears fell.
Five miles away, her mother lay in the county hospital. And her she was, waiting for someone to explain what was going on.

Again, just an idea.

Red
May 24th, 2012, 10:19 PM
Oh, and before I forget - you might want to change the title. Actually, I strongly suggest you change it. I don't think you meant for it to be the title, instead more of a "this is what's going on" kind of thing. But you'll get more readers by changing it to something that'll make people think "Ooh, this sounds interesting." Not that a mom dying and the daughter moving in with her father is interesting, but yeah... I'd change it.

Kyra
May 26th, 2012, 03:19 PM
This story was quite the read. It attracted me on a personal standpoint because I've been through a similar situation, but I feel like you should have gone into more detail with the story over all. Now, my style usually has a lot of flowery language, and I'm not asking for that. I just think as stated by L Marrick, that you should 'show, not tell.'
Put even more stress and descriptions into Dru's emotions. When she finds her mother unconscious, when her father comes to see her, and so forth. Maybe even illustrate it from a semi-first person sort of view. Like how 'The room seemed to spin as her heart throbbed beneath her chest, hot salty tear pouring down her reddened face at the sight of her mother limp beside the toilet.'
Although I'm a bit inexperienced myself, I hope my feedback will provide SOME usefulness in your improvement as a writer and future stories to come.

patskywriter
May 26th, 2012, 03:34 PM
Is English your second language? The numerous errors and partial sentences make me wonder. If that's the case, I'd suggest reading, reading, and more reading.

I guess the story idea is OK but you should slow down and give us a few details (as Kyra stated above). This reads more like a synopsis or run-down of a story, rather than a story itself. Take your time and realize that you have thousands of words at your disposal—use them to describe what's going on. Don't be lazy; fill in the details. For example, what is a "European accent"? I can imagine a writer saying eastern European accent, because the untrained ear probably might find it hard to discern Polish or Hungarian from Croatian. However, I'd think that the average American can recognize a French, Italian, or British accent. Don't take the easy way out—put some work into it. :)

N3aR
May 27th, 2012, 03:36 AM
It's pretty good, but I have few quirks with it as a whole.
1. Dialogue
The dialogue feels to generic and robotic (imo). Try to make it flow more naturally, try adding some slang to it or something to make the Dialogue feel less static.
2. Mood
You should try to show more of her sadness and distress after the loss of her mother. You showed her dismay effectively much later, and then, it carry the same weight. My opinion is to go for more showing of her distress more effectively not just by showing her crying, but by deeper emotional scars.

frappie3
May 28th, 2012, 08:16 AM
I think the whole introduction to her father is quite awkward. I'm sure it was awkward for her, but I its awkward for me to read, and not in a good way. The fact that it happens so quickly is whats bothering me I guess...


“I have a car too.” Her father said ushering Dru to the new white Escalade that sat parked right behind were the police car sat moments ago. “It’s just a rental, for while I’m here.”

That all just seemed awkward. "I have a car too".... well I'd hope so.. I'm not sure how you'd have gotten here otherwise. Hes stating something too obvious. I'd feel better if he said something about maybe which car was his as he pointed to maybe..

I know this was said previously, but I would also like a little bit more on Dru's emotions, especially with the situation she's in.