View Full Version : Smelly Shorts: The Newest Bad Writing Competition

November 4th, 2011, 02:16 PM
And so, once again hit by a blinding flash of brilliance, I have groped my way to my computer to give you all a chance to air your smelly shorts.

This is your once-in-a-well,-it's-occasional-really chance to break all those rules of writing that you ordinarily try to live by. Enjoy a blissful ignorance of such gems as:

Show don't tell. Faughettaboutit, just tell us the story already.
Don't head-hop. Switch perspectives madly!
You need a beginning, middle, and end. Har! Toss this baby right out of the window, bathwater first.
Stick with one tense all the way through. This made us tense so change from past, to present, to future and back however many times you like.
First person or Third? Why choose? Use em both.
Spelling and Grammar are important. Oh please.
Brevity is the soul of wit. Bards don't know anything about writing, heap detail upon detail.
Don't use too many adverbs. Phooey. Adverbs are a part of speech and we should use all parts of speech quickly.
Avoid Mary Sue characters. Nah, the perfecter the better.

If you have some more share 'em and break 'em here!

A few rules to live by:
Obviously this is still WF so we'd better stick by the Site Rules regarding language, violence, and adult (shockingly similar to 'juvenile') content.
Make it funny!
Keep comments lighthearted and fun

But Foxee, Foxee what do I WIN?!
I'm glad you asked. You win our probably-short-lived (though deep) admiration of your bold writing spirit. And we share a few laughs. All good.
Maybe a few extra points (that are all made up and don't mean anything) if you make someone spit a drink onto their monitor.

So keep it short, keep it smelly, and post it here! The Bad Writing Competition is open.

November 4th, 2011, 03:23 PM
Love on a Rainy Night

It was a rainy day that was wet as water fell damply from the sky. Butch Awesomson had been in the milatery then he came back afetr loosing too many of his frends to find the girl he had kept a picture of for many years though she had stopped to writing him. Things were still wet like the puddles when the door thundered and she opened it to see a big guy who had a lot of muscles and some short hair standing on her doorstep where it was raining a lot.

She stared. Her name was Mary because her parents had been Catholic too.

His eyes looked at her beggingly and a frog sat in his throat so that his hands shakily held out her picture. It was that picture where she smiled at the camera with those glassy eyes and long brown hair that he'd always wanted to hold tight and never let go.

“Why do you have her picture?” Mary wanted to know that was why she asked.

Then Butch saw the little differences like she had short blond hair instead of long brown hair and a chubby face instead of a long thin one and blue eyes instead of brown and she had freckles but not the other one, too.

“So...” he said, trying to think of a thought that would tell him what to say, “you had something done while I was gone, huh?”

November 4th, 2011, 03:44 PM
Whose That Bloke?

Danny was, like, soo tired. He was six feet tal with blond hair and blu eyes and loved sports and that and today the basketball had been so long with all the guys going ‘Wa!” and “Pow!” and “OI GEROFF!’ and now he was tired. He stepped over the stone beside the door that his ma had brought with her from the nunnery all those years back and dad had been saying to get rid of it for years and then he went inside the house, with lovely red bricks, coldly looking out at the street from its ideal place by the yellowy fields.

The hall was dark agen because dad couldn’t ever get up the ladder anymore because of the accident he had—he had been this big banker in the city and one day a cleaner had come by with the floor scrubber and whoop! off dad went along the floor and fell out of the window and then the doctors had been like ‘how did you live after falling a hundred feet into a skip?’ and he was like ‘back off doc, I’m amazing’.

And then there was this goat. Danny saw it in the kitchen when he skipped lightly and nonchalantly into the kitchen amidst myriad tones falling from his mouth as he whistled that tune from that song by the rapper guy, and when he saw the back door just hanging open and the goat in there eating all the stuff from the bin he jumped.

“AVAST!” he roared extremly loudly with all his might.

The goat was just looking back at him perplexedly with this really yellow bit of banana peel hanging limply from its dripping mouth. The goat didn’t know anything about this guy coming into the kitchen and was really confused when he went for the knifestand.

And then as Danny leapt forward screaming like really loudly like a banshee the goat had time to bleat and think, whose that bloke?

November 4th, 2011, 03:49 PM
...basketball had been so long with all the guys going ‘Wa!” and “Pow!” and “OI GEROFF!’
Now that was some really good stuff right there.

doctors had been like ‘how did you live after falling a hundred feet into a skip?’ and he was like ‘back off doc, I’m amazing’.
Best. Answer. Ever!

Poor goat!

Thanks for the chuckles, Felix. You get 10,000 random points!

November 4th, 2011, 04:08 PM
Story #1:
once upon a fairytale princes, the prince lived long time.

Story #2:
arkmajiks myad a peenoot butre samdich. The samdihc was tasti with all off the people swinnin in the jellers of the bread. et sprood acroos the great devide betweun the bread. bwetoorn ze brood came out the peenoot butre in grate amoonts, so groot thut et made all ze poople so angers that they devoored the chees. The chees peeces mud fer a crappers of a game er chees. The kung foiled the qun in er gum er fun. oot came der poons serchin fer da qun, she dood in do choos berd. amongta choos berd, all da kungs men and al da kongs werriers amoosed aloong de wool. utoop de wool steed a mun noomed Mood. da kung sed NU and Mood sed MU. NU MU becoom de nu werd of der poople of der kingdoom ner, ai? NU MU dis Nu MU det. al roond de pooples ded doo.

zen une dai cam de poople frum de nouth, oot cam der poople so furcely dat der kung did die. meetin der qun agun, dey mad a baber. da baber was noomed Alexander.


November 4th, 2011, 04:16 PM
Whoa, Nicklas, I think you'd get a prize for incomprehensibility. My brain is dented by your efforts and your extra o's are hereby confiscated.

6,000 nonsense points!

Chesters Daughter
November 6th, 2011, 05:57 PM
So I says to the gabageman, "Yo, take my husband please. But he can't hear me. His grumpy green uniform matched his grumpy face and the grumpy shrill screaming of lousy music which loudly blared from a beat up boombox hanging off the cracked side view mirror of his old dirty white truck. So I walk up to him and tap him on his green clad shoulder speckled with garbage truk muck and I screamed in his grumpy face Yo, take my husband please. So he says "Is he cardbored or plastic, this is the recyclable truck lady. "Neither" I says, he's corrupted flesh." Bulk pickups on thursday" was grumpily growled and jiggles his jowls. "How about I wrap him in newspapers up real tight. Once hes in the shredder no one will know." He says "I tole you bulk pickups on thursday. bag him andset him on the curb on that day'

So I do it, but cats and rats and a few stray dogs and possibly some zombies get to him befor the truck ever shows up on thursday which is bulk pickup day. So the sidewalk is covered and splashed all over with guts and blood and other gooey stuff that I can't say what it is and then the cops come along in their scratched and dented police car. They are stuffing donuts in their crumb covered mouths and holding cups of brewed coffee or tea, I can't tell which cos all I can smell is rotted decayed flesh and coopery blood and probably some animal poop but I'm not sure because I didn't analyze the mess all over the sidewalk to see if someone violated the popper scooper law. I would have if I had the time before they showed up because if it was truly honestly so, someone broke the law and deserved a ticket or maybe even jail time. So one cop calls me over to the blue police car and spews crumbs all over me shouting "Get that sidewalk clean and spiffy before I ticket you. Your responsible for the ground 18 inches into the gutter. And get those animals on some leashes or it'll be a hefty big fine for breaking the leash law for you." So I says "Sure thing okay fine officer". I chase all the animals aways and get the big giant broom and start to begin sweeping but then the street cleaner come along and and splashes it all back on the sidewalk and splashes it on me and theres a long strand of gooey guts hanging in my hair right about down to there witch would be my knee.

Since I refuse to move upstate where numerous fields aplenty abound, I'm adding a jackhammer maybe two, to my christmas list. getting rid of evidence in concrete country isn't easy especially when the authorities don't and wont' cooperate and i can't go threw this another hundreds of times. See I wanted the whole entire block to myself so I made it all mine and i fully intend to maintain and keep it as such and ill pick off the interlopers one by one as they show up and arrive . No neighbors left to complain about the stinky smell because they are the stinky smell but I can't help but think its a health hazard for my kids who are too busy and occupied with texting to notice what I did for them and for me cause we don't like no company. Now excuses me, one of them dead neighbors are moaning, need to remedy that for them cops loop my block, yes my block, again. I just have to text the kids that are standing two inches away to move so I can get threw and do my motherly duty. This is one time I'm greatful for earbuds. both me and that whiny moaning are muted. Such self centered inconsiderate stinky neighbors…always disturbing the peace.

November 6th, 2011, 08:24 PM
Chester's Daughter, I'm giving you 10,000 points because frankly I'm scared not to.

*makes a note never ever to move into CD's neighborhood*

*makes copies of the note to post all over the house*


November 7th, 2011, 12:39 AM

The rotton, fetted corps laid at the detective's feet:

"Looks like this one had a bad night," he said. The Dick was a tall man, built for action. His face was chisled, with strong features and dark, peircing eyes. The dead man laid there. He looked cold, and damp.

"Gee boss, your right! Your always wright!" Said the Dick's partner. He was short. He was balding, and wore a ugly hat to cover his balding head. He was cold and wet two.

The two men looked at the dead man, laying on the ground. The detective fired up a smoke and gazed across the bleak urban landscape through peercing slit eyes that saw everything, and missed nothing almost never. He flicked ash on the dead man, laying on the ground. They continued to look at the dead man. One of them spoke:

"Does this mean that your going to have to cancell your date with the volumptious, yet virtuous, Miss Angellica at the Swing 1920 Lounge downtown? Does it Boss?

The large detective put his hand on his shorter assitant's shoudler. He sometimes felt like a father to young Sparky, after loosing his father to criminal scum during the horrific gangland battles that happeded earlier. He needed someone to love. We always need someone to love.

The Dick gazed up at the errily glowing sodium lights on the otherwise dim, and dark street. A car zoomed by. The naked city would move along, as it always did. Only, The Dick realized his evening was over. The Volumtious, but Vitruous Miss Angelica at Swing 1920 would half to wait. All the dames weight for me, he thought. But this one was special, she might be the won.
He once again looked at the corps, on the ground;

"Sparky, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

November 7th, 2011, 01:44 AM
The dead man laid there. He looked cold, and damp.
Dead, sure, but cold and damp, too? That's adding insult to injury!

The detective fired up a smoke
Sounds like it would be wise to stand well back when he does this.

We always need someone to love.
Horribly profound. I almost wiped a tear.

"Sparky, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."
A man's gotta write badly sometimes.

10,000 points plus 552.6 profoundity points. :D

November 7th, 2011, 03:37 AM
The walls are kinda purple and kinda blue and they didn’t have pictures on them but that’s okay because he didn’t really care about decoration. The dog snores grotesquely in the bed behind him and made funny growling noises because he was sleeping bitterly and that’s what dogs did in their sleep.

Today was gonna be a big day for Ted because Ted was finally going to get awarded for his brilliance, because he was a brilliant kind of guy and it was about time everyone else finally noticed his brilliant brilliance.

He walks punctually through the ginormous lobby of the shiny hotel and the fat clerk was like “Excuse me,” but Ted cuts him off boisterously and was like “Not now chief, I’m in the zone” and that was the end of that.

So Ted walked exuberantly through the tangled hallways of the shiny hotel but he can’t find the conference room but eventually he found it and he walks in happily.

Whipped cream pies flew blindly through the air hitting Ted again and again and again and everyone was laughing hysterically and Ted didn’t know what was so damned funny so he asks them angrily what was so damned funny and everyone’s just laughing more and shook their heads ignorantly.

So Ted pulled out an Uzi and shot them steadfastly again and again and again until there was no more bullets left and then he knows what was so damned funny.

November 7th, 2011, 04:06 AM
Bessy is Cold
'Coldings, coldings, so very coldings', thought Bessy, standing in a chair on the floor by a window under the cieling, and cold, because the heating wasn't working because the coal had ran out, and she didn't have anything on, because she was a naturist and it would be against nature to wear things.
So very coldings, she thought again.

She wsent out the door to her living and looking for coal. She had a pickaxe on her shoulder, (not inside it, but resting on it). She walked around looking for coal. Being outside made her feel more cold.
'Coldings, so very coldings', she thought again.
SHe spotted something in the snow. It was snowing. The ground was covered in snow. The sun was hidden behind cloud. Snow clouds. It was snowing.

She walked towards the thing she had spotted in the snow some distance away under a cliff. It was black rocks. She swung a pickaxe at the black rocks.
"COldings, so very coldings, this will make me warmings", she murmered quietly in low volume.
The pickaxe broke the black rocks and from them she picked up coal which was now sitting in snow as it had fell from blackrocks. SHe took the coal back to her livings and went to find central heater but she could#t remember where she had left it so pohoned the man and asked if he could tell her because he had put a tracker in it when it was built because he had built it and had put a trakcer in it . He says that he cannot show her without coming to livings to show her.

Man arrived at shelter and he was coldings, but not as much as Bessy because he haad clothes on but she didn't because she was a naturist. Man got a machine remote out of his opocket \nd located central heater for Bessy. Bessy put in coal. house got warmings.
'Yay, I'm warmings now', thought Bessy.
Man quickly left as Bessy was naked because she was a naturist and didn't believe in clothes.

Bessy took plans out of cupboard and began plots for plotting to brunn down the clothes faCTORY.
'If only i beleived in them I could destroy them,' she said mournfully with sadness, putting the plots away back in the cupboard on the wall by the floor.

November 8th, 2011, 04:48 PM
The Story about "The Dragon"

The animal reared up on it's back legs and spread out it's wings. They were transluscent and the sun shone through the skin. There was brightness all behind the wings and the dragon and it looked like a halo.

E'eeol-a-fai-ry looked up at the terible dragon's face with really big eyes. They were so blue that they hurt you to look at them. She said in her mind
"You are my sister"
The dragon didn't say anything. She just stood with the light of the sun behind her looking like the saviour.
E'eeal-o-fa-iry said it again in her mind. You are my sister". Then she heard a big deep voice right in her head. "I am your sister. I am B'waathine We are destined to be one. One together, I mean.
The giant dragon reached down to grab Ee'eo-la-f-airy with sharp claws. "Ouch" Complained the girl with the blue eyes. You poked me."
"Sorry about that said the dragon. "Your kind of tiny."
She picked her up and she got on her back. "Let us ride the winds she said. They flew into the air.
We must hunt."
Probably a boy.

November 11th, 2011, 06:27 AM
The desert sun had baked his skin like a cake except for that his skin wasn’t cake so it didn’t smell good baking. It didn’t feel good either. It felt like what his skin would feel like if it were really burnt cake. His pale blue eyes shone like little blue skittles in his parched and weathered face. His lips were cracked and brittle like peanut brittle. He was hungry.
Still he trudged on, lifting one weary foot and then the next and then the other one again and then the second one and then the first one again and so on. The ground was so hot beneath the soles of his shoes that he wished it was colder.
How long had had been on this journey now? He’d lost track of time. It seemed really long. He had to find help soon though. And food and water. He was beginning to sway in the hot sun which was right above his head so he figured it must be noon.
Then, up ahead in the distance, he saw a shimmering light. His heart leaped! He didn’t know what it was but as long as he could remember he’d been attracted to shiny things. His pace quickend a little, then a little more, and then it slowed back down because he was really tired. But he could see now that the shimmering light was the sun reflecting off the windows of a small house!
Closer and closer he got to the little house on the desert and then he saw it was like a general store! Only a few more yards he told himself. He hoped it wasn’t a mirage.
At last he made it and he was so glad it wasn’t a mirage. He was ready to collapse by the time he got to the front step and he almost just sat down on the empty crate that was sitting on the porch. But he didn’t. He decided he didn’t have time for any sitting. He had to get supplies and head back.
He walked inside and his eyes had to adjust because he’d been out in the hot desert sun for so long and now he was just inside a regular room. When his eyes adjusted he could see the room was stocked with all kinds of goods. A beautiful woman stood at the back of the room looking at him.
“You think you can just walk in here and turn my world upside down?” she said with a thick Penelope Cruz accent. “You with your chocolate cherry skin and candy eyes? You think that I will just fall madly in love with you because I am a beautiful and sexy senorita waiting for a man to walk in here and turn my world upside down?”
She looked at with him with seductive disdain.
He was confused about the seductive disdain, but without flinching or anything, he walked boldly to the counter and looked right into her eyes which were like chocolate covered almonds.
“ I’d like to purchase that gas can on the shelf above you and a couple gallons of gas and a bottle of water, no two bottles of water, and some Cheetos, and two beef jerkies, ” he said. “I got a long walk back to the car.”
“Ok, that will be fourteen dollars and seventy two cents,” she replied. “Come back!”

November 11th, 2011, 07:14 AM
The lake was blue, sort of, but not sort of aqua-marine, or sort of tourquoisey blue, anyways it was a blue lake. Bobbie wanted to go for a boat ride so I said yes "sure, why not. He pushed the boat into the blue, blue water and jumped in and floated off and I yelled "Hey!" I yelled, you forgot me and this paddle thingy." Bobby looked at me and surprisedly yelling at me "Hey I forgot the paddle thingy, how come your not in the boat?"
Just then the boat ran to ground......did I mention the lake is shallow, really not very deep at all, like only too foot deep.
Bobby said "Oh shoot. and waded back to shore and picked up the paddle and wacked it against a tree, it was a pine tree, or maybe it was a douglas Fir, I don't know. It was a wooden tree with leaves and everything.
So we looked at the broken paddle and the boat stuck in the shallow, not deep blue lake and decided to go home for a p'butter and jelly sammich........the end

November 22nd, 2011, 06:24 PM
Foxee hasn't scored the last few entries, but I'm in the lead with 10,552.6! Yaaaaa Me!

What do I win, huh? What is it? I know you were just joking about all that 'admiration' of your fellow writer's tripe.
Do I get a pony? Ooooooh, maybe a unicorn! Or, one of those flying horsey things... a pagansucs!

Do I get to pick my prize? Really? I choose world peace, love, harmony, and a ham sandwich on sourdough with extra mustard. I get hungry looking at happy people. Don't judge me.

November 25th, 2011, 06:51 PM
Hah, this was quite enjoyable! I decided to focus on POV switching and incredibly annoying switches between tenses. Fun times!

As John walked through his purplish, mayb blue but no so blu that it were green or red and yet still purple, room, he was seeing a bird just Poof! into the corner, and me thinks that's a crocodile! Me runs!
And john is running, but John doesn't ran lik a normal person, because whan John was running, he sprawls out on the floar and flayls his arms and legs together so he slithers on the ground like a snake, but not a snake with normal neck muskcles, one with overgrown neck musckles that keeps slamming it's head on the ground, cause that was what john is doing.

Soon he says, "I says, "MY GROUND WAS HURTING!"" and he tolds his head to stop hurtsing it.
The ground opens its mouth and swallowed the poor little birdie that had imitated so accarately a crocodile. It said. "I thank you, kind sir, for relieving me of such an unfathomable pain!" And the ground. The ground transformed into. The transformration of it makes John scared, because now he don't has a ground to stand on. But he still stands there, like majics!

You are there too. You, the audience, yes, you, I, the narrator, I see you, and you are are there, with John, standing on nothing, with John, like there's nothing below you, like you are standing on the ground even though there is no ground beneath your feet! You are, like, awesomesauce! He will tell you the rest of the story.

Well, I, John, not the narrator, since he's inadvertently switched point-of-views on you without any sign of remorse, will tell you the rest of this intriguingly gargantuan story.

Humph, the end.

candid petunia
November 28th, 2011, 09:30 AM
Sadly Foxee, this happens a lot in India and they don't even realise it. May I share one here? It's not mine, but it's definitely worth reading (the guy would probably win this competition).

Bihari Essay "Indian Cow" (PLS GO THROUGH THIS!!)

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion [ gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.......
We are informed that the candidate somehow passed the exam, and is now is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]

Never fails to amaze me. #-o

November 28th, 2011, 12:33 PM
Holy cow! That cow fool of holes! Tha's rite - toss a perfessional at us! Prob'ly an' editta of the Bombs 'way Times now, am I rite? Or am I rite? Jus' gone dun blown the hole sorry story now, from too stories up an' straitjacket til mourning ...

I dunno, is anything werth it these daze? i has a tail, it was short but brief, an' blunt meaning pointless. The red pen guy sez rite watt you no. Two bad if yes don' no nuttin'. Hear we are, seven bilious of us, livin' on this plant cawed Urth. Only termorrow, some ain't.

November 29th, 2011, 02:08 AM
I think I broke my 'Like' button on the cow post.

Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.

He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals.
Evidence of true grim effort. Good thing this guy didn't submit his own writing or he would have walked away with this competition without even trying.

At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts .

November 29th, 2011, 02:39 AM
This unfinished character sketch is way too over-the-top to see the light of day, except on a thread like this - thanks!


She wore the most impractical clothing. From her wide-brimmed fuchsia hat down to her absurdly tall spike heels, she seemed to sway and struggle along with every step. She was constantly pulling down on her too short and too tight skirt which had the tendency to creep up her generous thighs with each minute movement. She seemed to expend the majority of her waking energy in keeping her wardrobe assembled decently upon her person.

She was not a subtle woman. Her rattling earrings and her dangling mess of a keychain proclaimed her impending appearance to all in the vicinity. And a spectacular appearance she made: Her lavish application of make-up caused her large face to be reminiscent of a sad clown. Her crimson painted lips were rarely employed in smiling. The two main occupations of her mouth were in exceedingly loud verbal output, and in the voracious consumption of food and beverage. These two tasks were not exclusive of each other for she would often, to the amazement of all onlookers, orally multi-task to such an extent that she could ingest a steady flow of non-nutritive foodstuffs, while spewing forth non-edifying verbosities such as gossip, gripes and all manner of tactless tidbits. She had not an ounce of coyness. She would make the most alarming revelations about herself, to the room at large, which would cause those in attendance to shift uncomfortably and look at the floor. Such were the power of her words, and her charm.

She was not pretty, but she carried herself as if she were the most desirable female in whatever room she occupied. Despite the generous heavy mascara she wore, she still managed to lightly flutter her eyelashes in seductive fashion whenever in the company of the male species, particularly younger men. She was embarrassingly flirtatious for a woman her age...

January 9th, 2012, 10:45 PM
Taking the idea from a ridiculous ACTUAL story I read recently... Look hard, I'm sure you'll notice exactly what's a little, well, wrong.

Without a second though John leaped off of the 100story building. Amazingly, on his way down he luckily caught a wind current the exact speed neccessary to blow him aside, and make him land spectacularly on top of a bouncy house coming through on a parade at that precise time. Flying off, he landed on his feet luckily and at that instant spotted the bad guy, who was unfortunate enough to trip and fall in front of on-coming traffic. Doing a series of rolls and flips, the bad gun managed to skillfully dodge the cars and continue on. Luckily, the traffic decided to completely stop for John, and John ran across the street. The bad guy climbed up a building using just his arms, and flipped over the top to continue running away. John closed his eyes, spun around, took a flying leap of faith and miraculously stopped at just the right time, pointing exactly at an elevator that would catch the bad guy off. He took the elevator up, and when the doors opened the bad guy was standing there waiting with a gun. Spectacularly, and luckily for John the bad guy had forgotten to load the gun and it simply made a "click" sound. The bad guy dropped the gun and assumed a position of a world class 85th degree blackbelt at all known martial arts, and began to perform a complicated and highly technical attack. LUCKILY, the bad guy fell on a banana he didn't notice that happened to be right in front of him, and had a heart attack, stroke, and broke his back all at the same time. Reporters land in a helicopter on the roof, and ask John "So John, how did you do it this time?" John replied, "Well it wasn't easy!"