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Nacian
September 19th, 2011, 12:07 PM
Sarfan was a boy who lived in a far away town by the name of Bralt.
Sarfan's window looked out onto an oblong shaped little shop that sold many vegetables and fruits.
Every day Mr Rold, the owner, will open the shop and put his fruits outside for display.
''Humm..Mr Rold's shop could do with more fruits and colours'' thought Sarfan to himself.
Sarfan made a list of fruits he would want to see in Mr Rold shop.
Sarfan loved colours.
He knew that hid dad's fruits from the farm will brigten up the shop and will give his window a glossy view.
Sarfan's dad was a farmer who grew very bright oranges.
Sarfan called upon Mr Rold one day and said:
''Good day Mr Rold would it interest you to take some of my dad's very bright oranges? pointing towards the basket he had with him.
''They are sure very sweet and they would look fabulous in your shop''? insisted Sarfan.
Mr Rold was not so sure.
Sarfan convinced him that a cake with these oranges will taste heavenly.
Mr Rold loved cakes very much.
Sarfan was a very good cook.
Mr Rold agreed to have a piece of the cake to see if it tasted as it good as Sarfan said.
So Sarfan went off, very excited, to make the cake to give to Mr Rold.
The cake was exceedingly lush and so Mr Rold took on the oranges.
The oranges were so popular they became the talk of the town.
Everyone wanted some.
The next time, Safran went back to the shop and asked again:
''Good day Mr Rold.Would it interest you to have some of my dad 's bestest fruit, cherries?
These cherries were very special.
They were magic but Mr Rold woud better not know about this.
Only Sarfan and his dad knew of these incredibly powerful cherries.
Mr Rold was not so keen.
Red was not his favourite colour.
Sarfan promised that if the cherries did not sell that day he will repay him with more cakes of any fruits he wished for.
Mr Rold accepted.
As Soon as the cherries went on display, the fruits will get into a trance, and so began to play tricks on customers and Mr Rold.
Apples would, flip, curdle and plop to get into the cutomers' bags.
Grapes would go green then yellow and then red again.
Bananas would appear and disappear.
Peaches would jump up and summersault to flop down again.
Plums will go twirly wirly around the dancing pineapples.
Mr Rold did not know what was happening to his shop.
Sarfan called up to help Mr Rold 's shop.
Sarfan knew how to magic out the cherries into place.
He learned magic when he was very young.
The shop was back to normal
Mr Rold was so glad, he asked Sarfan to bring any other fruits he wanted.
Sarfan did just that and the shop became vey popular with customers from all over the world.
Sarfan was now the happiest boy in the land because he had the prettiest view in town.

Giantlobsterrobot
October 20th, 2011, 04:05 PM
I noticed some grammar corrections that you can make.
Line 3: Put a comma between day and Mr.
Line 3: "Will open" is present tense, while the rest of your lines are written in past tense. Change it to "opened" or something similar.
Line 4: Put a comma after the dialog inside the quotation mark.
Line 5: "Mr. Rold shop" needs to be "Mr. Rold's shop"
Line 7: You have both past and present tense in your line. Also, you say "hid" when you probably meant "his"
Line 10: You need a comma after "Rold" and possibly between "day" and "Mr" as well.
Line 11: You say "sure very sweet" ... now depending on how Sarfan's character speaks, "surely" is the word you'd want to use... but once again, it depends on what Sarfan would actually say. You might also want a comma between "sweet" and "and" and I see a question mark in there. Is that a typo?
Line 13: Tense issues
Line 18: Put a comma between "lush" and "and"
Line 21: You say "Safran" instead of "Sarfan"
Line 22: The same comma issues as line 10. You also need to close your quote.
Line 24: Put a comma between "magic" and "but" You spelled "would" as "woud" It's also odd sounding.
Line 28: You have mixed tenses
Line 30: Mixed tenses and you said, "Soon" instead of "soon"
Line 35: You say "Plums will" when the other fruits start with "Fruit would" It would sound better with "would"
Line 37: You have an extra space in Mr. Rold's, so it looks like "Mr. Rold 's"
Line 42: You need a comma between "that" and "and"

It was a funny little story. The illustrations would be fun to see (though I have my own pictures in my head.) I hope my comments will be of use.

Bye
:D

TinyDancer
November 7th, 2011, 12:53 AM
The idea is good and started strong. I like the potential for it being a children story introducing colours, I don't like the part about 'magic cherries' however, It sounds like it could be taken as drug-reference and then it might seem inappropriate for children. Perhaps, bring the cherries forward and introduce them earlier on, or spend more time afterwards explaining about the chaos caused. This would be the climx of the story, so spend some time describing what happens, and give us more information about how Sarfan resolves this. the info. that he's done magic when he was younger, is not enough, I want to know more.. what magic? what exactly did he do? how did he stop this? and then afterwards, maybe the fruits were always alive, or the colours were always brighter in the shop.. maybe they lived happily ever after, maybe they didn't.. what happens?

Nacian
November 7th, 2011, 01:44 PM
I noticed some grammar corrections that you can make.
Line 3: Put a comma between day and Mr.
Line 3: "Will open" is present tense, while the rest of your lines are written in past tense. Change it to "opened" or something similar.
Line 4: Put a comma after the dialog inside the quotation mark.
Line 5: "Mr. Rold shop" needs to be "Mr. Rold's shop"
Line 7: You have both past and present tense in your line. Also, you say "hid" when you probably meant "his"
Line 10: You need a comma after "Rold" and possibly between "day" and "Mr" as well.
Line 11: You say "sure very sweet" ... now depending on how Sarfan's character speaks, "surely" is the word you'd want to use... but once again, it depends on what Sarfan would actually say. You might also want a comma between "sweet" and "and" and I see a question mark in there. Is that a typo?
Line 13: Tense issues
Line 18: Put a comma between "lush" and "and"
Line 21: You say "Safran" instead of "Sarfan"
Line 22: The same comma issues as line 10. You also need to close your quote.
Line 24: Put a comma between "magic" and "but" You spelled "would" as "woud" It's also odd sounding.
Line 28: You have mixed tenses
Line 30: Mixed tenses and you said, "Soon" instead of "soon"
Line 35: You say "Plums will" when the other fruits start with "Fruit would" It would sound better with "would"
Line 37: You have an extra space in Mr. Rold's, so it looks like "Mr. Rold 's"
Line 42: You need a comma between "that" and "and"

It was a funny little story. The illustrations would be fun to see (though I have my own pictures in my head.) I hope my comments will be of use.

Bye
:D

thank you for your kindhelp ..I am much obliged.
I shall rectify as soon as I have a minute.:smile:

Nacian
November 7th, 2011, 01:49 PM
The idea is good and started strong. I like the potential for it being a children story introducing colours, I don't like the part about 'magic cherries' however, It sounds like it could be taken as drug-reference and then it might seem inappropriate for children. Perhaps, bring the cherries forward and introduce them earlier on, or spend more time afterwards explaining about the chaos caused. This would be the climx of the story, so spend some time describing what happens, and give us more information about how Sarfan resolves this. the info. that he's done magic when he was younger, is not enough, I want to know more.. what magic? what exactly did he do? how did he stop this? and then afterwards, maybe the fruits were always alive, or the colours were always brighter in the shop.. maybe they lived happily ever after, maybe they didn't.. what happens?

I am sorry I never thought of magic cherries as drug related.
I thought of it another dimension fro kids to be amused , something out of the ordinary.
the secret is in the magi, and therefore you do not tell how Sarfan did it, you have to keep the mystery up beat for the children to imagine themselves.
whilst the idea is there a child needs to expand the imagination and beyond, it is important for children to develop thinking and imagination with fun. hence not telling too much otherwise we limit the potential.
remember you are and so you naturally quizz andhow and why.
what happens is a good question and in the answer is maybe in the next book is it not?
I d o not want to stop writing remember haha...:smile:

james89000
April 1st, 2012, 10:02 AM
Would be great illustrated! Really enjoyed this one.

Randyjoe
June 1st, 2012, 06:10 PM
I think this story is ideal for children.

There is one small thing I would change - you use very little onomatopoeia, things like "Plums will go twirly wirly around the dancing pineapples." I just think more child friendly language like that would be cool.

kkalink
July 18th, 2012, 03:55 PM
Really enjoyed this. Despite some grammatical issues that other readers mentioned, the characters and imagery would really appeal to the children audience.