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lmc71775
August 18th, 2011, 07:13 PM
This is from my Milly/Amelia story. Jinks is her cat and this excerpt is towards the end of chap. 17. Any feedback would be great, thanks.


I am compelled to check the garden againóto see what Jinks was digging for. Maybe that will helpóto find out more about this messed up family of mine.
I slide on my flip-flops real fast, grab a sweater and head downstairs.
First I peek out the front window. Good! Blake is still trimming the bushes in the front yard. I can go in the back unnoticed.
I then head around to the kitchen and open the back door. Cool wind hits my face as I step out into the afternoon sunlight.
I hurry fast to get across the open field, feeling the cold wet dew brush against my feet. Jinks is hopping in front of me as if leading the way and slithers underneath the garden gate.
Once I get inside, I am struck again by all its beauty. Bulbous yellow tulips all align against the stone walls dripping with thick ivy. The willow trees hang low and sway their green braided leaves. Smells are unbelievably pungent of wild berries buried in the bushes. It reminds me of some kind of fruit-scented shampoo. I donít know where to look first until I feel someone looking at me and turn. It is the marbled woman under the Magnolia, yet when I look her way she is still faced down.
Quickly, I walk towards her. Light is shining across her face, almost giving her a human skin tone. Somethingís telling me to look at the gravestone embedded in the ground. I can see thatís where Jinks was digging.
Kneeling down close, I notice something elseósomething I havenít seen before. Itís a date. I wipe the freshly fallen petals and uncover a revelation and stare in shock. The date is the eeriest date I have ever seen on a grave marker. The date is April, 15th 1994ómy birth date.

aj47
August 27th, 2011, 07:34 PM
This is from my Milly/Amelia story. Jinks is her cat and this excerpt is towards the end of chap. 17. Any feedback would be great, thanks.


I am compelled to check the garden againóto see what Jinks was digging for. Maybe that will helpóto find out more about this messed up family of mine. ugh, don't start with "I" but maybe say "Compelled to check the garden again, I see Jinks digging for ..."
I slide on my flip-flops real fast, grab a sweater and head downstairs. Sliding on my flip-flops, I grab my red sweater and run downstairs.
First I peek out the front window. Good! Blake is still trimming the bushes in the front yard. I can go in the back unnoticed. First checking the front window to see if Blake is still trimming the bushes...
I then head around to the kitchen and open the back door. Cool wind hits my face as I step out into the afternoon sunlight.
I hurry fast to get across the open field, feeling the cold wet dew brush against my feet. Jinks is hopping in front of me as if leading the way and slithers underneath the garden gate.
Once I get inside, I am struck again by all its beauty. Bulbous yellow tulips all align against the stone walls dripping with thick ivy. The willow trees hang low and sway their green braided leaves. Smells are unbelievably pungent of wild berries buried in the bushes. It reminds me of some kind of fruit-scented shampoo. I donít know where to look first until I feel someone looking at me and turn. It is the marbled woman under the Magnolia, yet when I look her way she is still faced down.
Quickly, I walk towards her. Light is shining across her face, almost giving her a human skin tone. Somethingís telling me to look at the gravestone embedded in the ground. I can see thatís where Jinks was digging.
Kneeling down close, I notice something elseósomething I havenít seen before. Itís a date. I wipe the freshly fallen petals and uncover a revelation and stare in shock. The date is the eeriest date I have ever seen on a grave marker. The date is April, 15th 1994ómy birth date.

etc. Too much "I verb" and not enough other verb forms. Maybe if you did all of what I said it would be too much in the other direction. It seems to me that it would read more naturally if fewer of the sentences began with a pronoun. It's a thought anyway. I have my guesses as to what the date means.

Reynolds29
September 4th, 2011, 02:16 AM
Line 3- I peek out the front window(I thought having "First" in that sentence was unnecessary.) Black is still trimming the bushes(adding "In the front yard" sounds a bit redundant to me.)
Line 4- Get rid of the word "Then" in the first sentence and change the second sentence to "A cool wind hits my face as I step out into the afternoon sunlight."
Line 5- I like the flow of this sentence, please don't change it.

Overall this is good, it really paints a picture once the Character enters the garden. Although there were a couple minor phrasing problems in the first few sentences.