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girlyprincess
July 19th, 2011, 05:04 AM
So I wrote this today on a piece of paper towel and I though it sounded good.But I want some advice on it. Should I have the other kids show up and look for the car and not be able find it and call the cops?Or just go straight to the cops knocking on the parents door
to inform of the deaths?Just writing it,I was tearing up.It is first time I try my hand on YA novel.


A car speeding down a road, a group of teenagers inside hollering and screaming as they celebrated the end of their school. It was a time of celebration as the school year had been long and arduous road. They celebrated by singing the songs coming from the stereo and taking swigs from a bottle of alcohol that they had stash under one of the seats. It was a truly time to a party come August, they all be senior in high school and soon have to face the real world.

One of the girls in the back seat turned around and notice their trailing car getting closer, she screamed for the driver to go faster so they could make it to the bank of the river quicker. The driver a boy with a varsity jacket and a blonde and red mohawk put his foot on the accelerator all the way to the floor kicking up a cloud of dust as they continue to speed down the back road. They were too busy inside drinking and singing to notice, they were approaching the river banks. As a brunette girl in the back realize where they were, she started to scream but it was little bit too late. The dark blue car with the red flames went over the side of the river banks and going under. All the passengers tried kicked the windows and door but to no avail, they were crying hard and hoping somebody see them.. The blonde girl that had been screaming to go faster, just held her friends hand as they tried to grasp for air but it was not possible, she gasped a couple times before slumping on her friendís lap. A blue eye boy just held his friendís hand as he tried gasping for air and it just proved futile, he slowly closed his eyes and slumped on the seat.

riverdog
July 19th, 2011, 09:19 PM
I need to know who these people are before you kill them in a car crash. Who is the blond girl? And the blue eyed boy? Not just names, but who are they really? On the football team? Chess club? What makes them tick? Why should I care that they just drove themselves into a river?

kulyuly
July 24th, 2011, 10:38 PM
It sounds more like a 9 oclock news rather than a story.and "riverdog" is right you should tell us more about these people... if they die now how will the story go on? unless they fall into a riverbank full of radioactive slime this is as far as you can go with this I think.

T.N. Kettman
July 25th, 2011, 03:30 AM
There are some run on sentences and other grammatical errors that need fixing. Also I noticed you used forms of the word celebrate three times in the first three sentences, which sounds a little redundant. Definately agree with the above posts. I guess I would be interested to know where the story is going.

BobbyKing
July 25th, 2011, 04:54 AM
You wrote a short scenario of perhaps a bigger story or picture (but not unfold yet). Reading the first time, it looks promising.
However, a story needs more than that. Are you planning to finish it with a proper starting and ending?
You need to begin by asking yourself what kind of story are you planning to tell (or sell)? If you proceed without the initial proper framework, you will get stuck along the way. It is like a pilot enjoying his ride but didn't plan to land (and the gasoline will eventually runs out).

Back to your story, I would inject the following: police and search rescue team arrived, recovered all bodies (dead). However, one of the girls survived but swam away. Police did not know.
If I embark on a spiritual story, this may have happen after that: She watched the rescue work from a distance but she saw something horrifying in the spiritual world.. all her dead friends' souls slowly soar upwards and were grabbed by black spiritual beings, and they were crying and struggling to free themselves but failed. One of the black spiritual being approached her position but couldn't grab her because she is not dead. Girl left the scene and went on her way to solve this phenomenon (establish the motive here). Just my thought! O:)