View Full Version : My first time.

May 12th, 2011, 11:43 PM
This is my first time posting on here, I'll admit I'm a little nervous. I am simply looking for some advice, encouragement, critique. I have had a few people read what I have written so far and I feel that I needs some honest opinions. Don't hold back tell me what you hate and what you love. Thank you. This is an excerpt from my so far untitled novel.

I know you.
I know exactly who you are.
You love being right.
You love figuring people out.
You hate the feeling you get when you can’t understand someone else’s motives.
You are the type of person that analyzes every breath, every sigh, and every facial expression. You can’t help it. You crave any insight on the inner workings of other’s minds. You want to know what they are thinking for one of a few of reasons.
First, you’re curious maybe you actually just want to know what we think about your dress or your new shade of lipstick.
Second, you’re manipulative you need to know what we are thinking so that you can get us to do whatever it is you want.
Third, and most likely, you’re insecure. You want to know that you aren’t the only person in the world that thinks about unusual things, stuff you would never admit to aloud. Things like, you actually like the way skunks smell, you don’t think Nickelback totally sucks, or that you actually enjoy watching Dora the Explorer with your little sister. If you could just see in to someone else’s head for one moment maybe you would see that you aren’t crazy.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are completely out of your mind insane.
Can I let you in on a little secret?
We all are.
I know all of these things about you because you are reading my diary. That’s what this is, isn’t it? This descriptive expression of my messed up life. It is all of the insight, to my thoughts, fears and dreams, your intrusive little mind could crave.
So, hello to all you nosy people. Hello those of you that can’t keep your thoughts to yourselves. Hello those of you that enjoy sticking your ears and opinions exactly where they don’t belong. Here is a detailed account about how people just like you screwed me up, let me down, and ruined a huge chunk of my life.
I am a twenty three year old with a penchant for attracting trouble. Let me make this clear I do not care what you want to hear or what you would have done in my situation. I am not writing this so that you can fix me. I am writing this simply to clear the air and hopefully dig up some answers along the way. I’ll do my best to relay the events with honest detail. I hope you’re ready for a tidal wave of confusion. I am Remy Giordano and here is a story about how I accidentally hit the huge-red- never-supposed-to-be-pressed-self-destruct-button on every relationship in my life.

Chapter one.
Along the way

“Ugh what is this?” I shriek covering my ears with my hands, shielding myself from the horrible screeching coming from the stereo. Drake’s bright green eyes light up with laughter as I eject his c.d.
“Rem, I think that you really need to enhance your musical palette.” He looks over at me quickly ruffling my long blond hair before dragging his forest green eyes back to the road. Still smiling that dimpled crooked smile that never ceases to shake up the butterflies in my stomach.
I put the c.d. back in and sink deeply into my warm seat. Leaning my head against the head-rest I have the single most perfect view of his too-beautiful-for-real-life-face. His strong jaw and Cupid’s bow pout make him look too old for high school. His shoulder length hair and the way the dimples on his cheeks seem to make everyone smile, balance out all of the seriousness. He tucks his hair behind his ears and bobs his head to the music. Comfort comes easy to Drake and I. With him that feeling of weightlessness, the sheer bliss I feel surrounded by his radiance is all I need to know that I can be happy in his life, in his arms, forever.
I lean closer to him slipping one hand in to his chestnut brown hair to twirl a lock of it around my finger. I smile and breathe in deeply as he kisses my forehead. Moments like these make me feel like there is no place in the world I would rather be. So many things changed in our lives in such a short time. It’s nice just to be this close to him. I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. I wake up sometime later to him changing the c.d.
“How much longer?” I whine trying to wipe the sleep from my eyes.
He laughs a deep laugh that I haven’t heard in so long. I can feel the richness of his laughter down in the pit of my stomach and cue the butterflies. His face lights up and I break my fake complaining to laugh too.
“Oh, only about thirty-six more hours of this.” He grins. I look out the wind shield at the winding mountain road and sigh.
“Yay, only thirty six more hours of this crappy music.” He scrunches up his nose and shakes his head at me. I’ve never been a fan of long car rides let alone a cross-country trek. Watching the trees and lines on the road as we drive further is hypnotic, and everything just feels better with him so close to me.
“Putting your distaste for my music aside. You’re a pretty awesome girl, you know that right?” I smile up at him but don’t have a chance to respond.
The headlights race towards us like the flash of a camera. I hear the snarling twisting of metal. The crunching of glass, the smell of gas, and a loud familiar buzzing sound.
I sat up startled. Sweating. Twisted in my thin sheets. Tears pouring down my face. I shut off the alarm on my nightstand and rubbed my face with shaking hands trying to rid my mind of his frightened eyes. It was just a dream Remy, just a dream. I tried convincing myself of that as I stumbled to the shower.
After a hot shower I looked at myself in the mirror above my sink. I couldn’t calm my wide brown eyes which seemed to be stuck startled open. The shower did nothing to reverse the dark circles indicative of yet another night full of nightmares and flash backs. My dark hair made breaking noses as I forced a brush through it. I took a few more deep breaths, downed two cups of coffee and dragged myself to the parking lot.

July 11th, 2011, 01:18 AM
This. Is. Fabulous.

That being said, I do have a few suggestions/comments.

"Cupid’s bow pout" maybe I'm just slow, but I have no idea what this is. Besides that, the description of Drake and the relationship between the two are beautifully explained. You show us things, rather than tell them. You have unique descriptions. Their interactions seem sweet and natural. Very well done there.

I believe c.d. is actually spelled CD, but I'm not sure if that matters too much.

You say that she is tired of nights filled with nightmares and flashbacks, but the scene you show seems very pleasant. I know I wouldn't mind dreaming those sort of things. Maybe add a little more terror to the end of the scene, just to drive home the unpleasantness of the experience? Remember, crazy things happen in dreams, and memories become twisted and even more frightening.

As for the prologue....

Chilling. Very true, very visceral, and very very frightening. I love the tone of the entire piece.

I voted that "This is a good opening chapter" and "it happened too quickly" just because I felt the dream ended too abruptly and could end on a much more terrifying note. But, regardless, I can't wait to read some more! This is very well written!

July 23rd, 2011, 11:21 PM
It was interesting to read although I had some trouble understanding what were you talking about and it was relay confusing to read this but maybe I'm just slow.
Aside the fact that the storyline itself was a little confusing the way you described things was great.