View Full Version : Nick (Language)

January 29th, 2011, 08:20 PM
Chapter One

I sit here looking at pictures of a dead girl. Her body all twisted on a bed of broken branches as her bellys gutted open and rotting away. And yet all I could think of is Melody.

She has the same features of the poor soul I stare at nowlong raven-like hair and pale skin. Even their slim physique is similar.

The girl looks youngperhaps in her early twenties. Hell, she could even be the same age as Mel. The striking resemblance causes me to think it is Mel lying there dead like that. But I remind myself Mel is safe at home. Or is she? I called twice and she didnt answer.

Lately shes been acting oddlike shes been hiding something. But I push those thoughts aside is I try to focus on my work.

I peruse the files on the dead girl and see my assumptions are right. Her DNA matched that of a Gia Mendez, a twenty-one-year-old woman that has been missing for three weeks now. Her body was found a few miles off of the Turkson Expressway. Some teenage kids spotted the body after their car broke down alongside the road.

A knock at my office door cuts my thoughts.

Nick? May I have a word with you? Detective Bates says, standing by the doorway. Shes wearing a tight high-cut skirt on with a loose white blouse unbuttoned to show her cleavageundoubtedly catching all the eyes in the office, including mine. Its hard not to look when Beth displays it in such a way. But being the married man that I am, I quickly look away.

Yes, Bates, what is it?

Nick, I wish you could just call me Beth.

Okay, Beth. Whats up?

Heres more on the Mendez case, she says, handing over more files. And the autopsy analysis should come in sometime today. Hey, if you need help, my office is just a few doors away. Let me know. She bends down a little closer as if inviting me into her blouse.

Thank you. I will keep that in mind. I inch back a little from my chair. Will that be all?

Yes. She then straightens up again and heads for the door. But before she does, she says again. Nick, remember what I said, okay? If you need me

Yeah, Ill let you know.

My thoughts revert back to Melody. Why did she take a shower immediately after she came home yesterday? It was like she was washing off something she didnt want me to see. I wouldnt have found it odd if she didnt run past me like that. And why is she going to the gym right when I come home from work? She has all day to do that, what with no job and all. And I cant understand why she avoids my questions. Those fuckin short answers. I cant stand it. I just cant shake the feeling that shes doing something behind my back.

As I stare at Gia Mendez, I picture Melody that waydead and broken. The thought brings chills through me. I dont know what I would do if something happened to my Mel. And I dont remember much of my life before her either. Shes been in my life since I was so young. And once we started dating in high school we were inseparable. But now? Now I cant say that. Who knows now. All I know is that she is different since the accident.


As soon as I walk in the door, Rusty greets me with a warm wet hello, jumping up to lick my face. For a huge full-bred German Shepherd he acts like a little baby. Cant seem to break him out of being so jumpy.

Mel? You around?

Yeah, Im in here. Shes turning off the water in the bathroom. Another shower, Im assuming.

The house looks like hell. I wish Mel would clean up a little better, but am hesitant to keep barking at her about it. Shes been going through a rough period in her life right now and I dont want to upset her.

I walk around through the living room and see her toweling off in our bedroom. Her skin is swelled with beads of water and her hair still soaking wet. I grind up on her, kissing the nape of her neck.

Not now, Nick, she says, shrugging me off.

Come on, Babe. We havent in a while.

She looks at me like she wants to, teasing me in a way. I want nothing more than to peel her towel off and place myself inside her warm wet body. But she turns around, grabbing some pajamas out of her dresser drawer and runs back in the bathroom. What you cant change in front of me now? I dont want to sound insecure, but Jesus Christ, what the hell.

Im too tired to argue so I plop down on the bed and reach for the remote.

She takes a considerable amount of time in there. Enough to make me want to get up again and check, but then she finally comes out all bundled up in her pajamas like saying Do not enter.

Not this again, Nick. Cant you find something else to watch? I have the Sopranos on. Ive probably watched this episode about six times. Along with the rest of the season. Im a sucker for mob stories. I just want to unwind and drift off into sleep without having an issue.

Just relax, its almost over, I tell her. Dont mean to be a dick, but if she wont give any tonight, then Sopranos will have to be the substitute.

Just turn it off when youre done. I hate it when I have to turn the thing off in the middle of the night, Mel says as she crawls into bed, clearly wanting her space. I can tell theres something on her mind when she starts to toss and turn a little, while I watch T.V. Any normal day, I would be considerate and just turn it off and snuggle up to her, but she doesnt want that. God only knows what the hell she wants these days.

I close my eyes, trying to listen to the T.V. but Gia Mendez and her dead busted up body comes into view. As much as I dont want to think about it, I have to. Its my job. But her face keeps intermingling with Mels for some reason. Its like my sub-conscious is saying I want to see her that way. I try to force those thoughts aside, but the more I force the clearer the image gets. I know its because Im angry. Angry I cant have sex with my wife that much anymore. Angry about the fact that she is holding something back on me. Shit, Im a detective for Christ sake. You would think I would know whats going on.

Maybe I should talk to Lance; he might be able to help me. Take some pictures while shes supposedly working out? Watch her go the grocery store? Damn, Nick, is this where your marriage has gone? Spying on your wife?

January 30th, 2011, 11:36 AM
Hi there!

Read your short and I have a few comments to make.

First of all, nice going, keeping up with the present tense. Not easy to do, for myself at least.

1. I want to point out you miss something. A typo, really.

"But I push those thoughts aside as I try to focus on my work." As instead of "is".

2. "She’s wearing a tight high-cut skirt on with a loose white blouse "... where "...wearing a tight...on with.." is redundant. You have "wearing" and you have "on". Maybe, just "...wearing a tight [suggestion] high-slit skirt with a loose white blouse.."

3. "Can’t seem to break him out of being so jumpy." = you make the dog sound nervous when you use the adjective "jumpy". Maybe "excited"? "hyped"? "animated"?

4. "She’s been going through a rough period in her life right now and I don’t want to upset her." Shouldn't it be "She's going through..."?

5. I'm not too sure about this description, "Her skin is swelled with beads of water ". Can skin 'swell' from a shower, through some beads of water? Maybe her skin s damp with.. or her skin is sprinkled with beads of water.. or her skin is covered with beads of water.. something like that?

6. Instead of "I grind up on her", may I suggest, "I pressed myself against her,( my hips grinding gently to seek interest.") kissing the nape of her neck.

7. Missing punctuation marks? "What you can’t change in front of me now?" = "What? You can't change in front of me now?" or,.. "Why can't you change in front of me now?" I like the earlier tho coz it shows his frustration. Guess you missed the punctuation marks.

8. "force" is repetitive here, "I try to force those thoughts aside, but the more I force the clearer ".. suggest.. "...but the more I try, the clearer.."

Reread and found,

"long raven-like hair ".. you're saying hair like a raven (the bird). shouldn't it be simply, "long raven hair.."?

Well, lmc71775.. that's my thoughts/comments after reading the above. I'm assuming there's a story about the "accident" told before this part here comes in. Otherwise, you might want to summarize it a bit for the readers' benefit.

Other than that, I find your style simple and to the point. A little of intrigue to the story. Keep up the good work! :o)

January 30th, 2011, 05:01 PM
Thanks so much Ador, you really pointed out some interesting things to change in it, making it sound better. I will use your suggs. Thanks!

January 30th, 2011, 05:09 PM
:) glad to be of help. all the best!

March 16th, 2011, 08:24 PM
I would agree with the suggestion of filling in the background of "the accident." Other than that, it had me hooked. There are some typos, and some of the wording was off, but it is a great start!

April 10th, 2011, 01:46 AM
lol hey i loved it! but than u stopped writing... see where im going?

April 13th, 2011, 06:34 AM
Brilliant... I was totally captivated... but I'm guessing you're not writing anymore, considering your post is 3 months old and all :(

April 20th, 2011, 03:31 PM
I really enjoyed this. I noticed a couple small things that have already been identified by the other posters. But I think you did a good job setting up the story and keeping the reader interested. I want to know more. What was the accident? What was Mel like before that? Is there a connection between her and the dead girl? I think you did a good job keeping those things out of reach of the reader but making them want to keep reading to find out more. Good job!