PDA

View Full Version : Work is Progress (Language warning)



Ritcherd
January 26th, 2011, 08:53 PM
This is work in progress, it's one chapter from my new book. I was wondering on people's opinions. I'm mainly wondering whether or not it's smooth enough to read through and not labouring and off-putting. There will be mistakes and possible bad language.

They turned a corner, directly ahead of them was the pub. Houses lay on each side of the street, some fields and cattle lay behind unseen. The village was built in the centre of a rural area, a quiet ideal place between two cities, Manchester and Liverpool and two towns. The two friends, as they continued to walk, noticed something out of place – unusual. “Why are all those people knocking on doors? Who are they?” asked Sebastian, curious, watching all the strangely dressed people asking for work at each door.
“I don’t know, can’t tell you. This is the first I’ve seen of them, never seen anything like it before.”
“There’re loads of them? What the hell is going on? Has there been some kind of five minute economic crisis that we’ve not heard of?”
Isaiah chuckled. “Beats me,” he said. “But they had better stay away from me, I don’t trust them. They could be gypsies.”
“Gypsies? Around here, in sunny Billinge?”
The number of ‘gypsies’ increased; almost every home had one outside. One person caught Sebastian’s attention; it was a woman around his age, twenty. She had amazing hair, blonde brushing her chest in very slim braids. Feathers and beads were bound within it; her beautiful, almost perfect face astounded Sebastian as he stared directly into her deep blue eyes. She noticed him; she too stared at him hypnotically. She was very slim; she wore a green and black striped sweater. It was a perfect, slim fit. She wore tatty blue jeans with rips in the knees; her brown boots were worn and weathered. From her waist dangled a multicoloured scarf, her huge silver belt buckle sparkled in the sunlight. Isaiah waved his hand in front of Sebastian’s face... he finally shook off his stare.
“Wake up, boy,” he said. Sebastian’s eyebrows fluttered. The pub returned to his sights,
“Sorry, I’ve just never seen these people before. It’s a whole new thing for me,”
“Don’t give me that bullshit; I know what you’re thinking.”
Sebastian laughed. “What?”
“You like the look of her, that’s what I mean. Leave it; you’ll never get to know her.”


Please comment, good or bad

fossiliferous_g
January 27th, 2011, 03:45 PM
Hi Ritcherd,
Not a bad start to a story. I'm assuming it's going to be a love story, do you have an idea for the plot or what the climax will be? The only comment I want to make is about description...


One person caught Sebastian’s attention; it was a woman around his age, twenty. She had amazing hair, blonde brushing her chest in very slim braids. Feathers and beads were bound within it; her beautiful, almost perfect face astounded Sebastian as he stared directly into her deep blue eyes. She noticed him; she too stared at him hypnotically. She was very slim; she wore a green and black striped sweater. It was a perfect, slim fit. She wore tatty blue jeans with rips in the knees; her brown boots were worn and weathered. From her waist dangled a multicoloured scarf, her huge silver belt buckle sparkled in the sunlight.

This graph is 25% of your selection and it's mostly just describing the girl. I know you want the reader to know how beautiful and stunning she is, I know you have an ideal picture in your head and you want to describe this girl, and I guess this might be personal opinion, but I'm not a fan of the paragraph description. It would be really great if you could work her looks, her clothes, her hair, whatever, into some kind of action. This could even be simple action. Here's an example of what I mean:


Blonde braids brushing a silky bosom caught Sebastian’s attention; it was a woman around his own age, twenty. Feathers and beads were bound in her hair, framing her angelic face. She noticed him staring, her pools of deep blue gazing back hypnotically. He could see her slim curves beneath a green and black striped sweater that clung to her figure. In tattered blue jeans, ripped at the knees, she took a few steps towards a house, her weathered brown boots moving silently, and she still didn't take her eyes from Sebastian. From her waist dangled a multicoloured scarf, her huge silver belt buckle sparkled in the sunlight, flashing in his eyes like diamonds on the water, blinding him briefly.

Ok, so it's not ideal or anything, but I'm just making a point. Don't just say "she looked like this, she was wearing that..." Incorporate that information into something happening, her staring back at him, her walking towards the house and doing whatever these gypsies are doing. You can also use this as an opportunity to tell us something about Sebastian. Like....

Her deep blue eyes met his own sad grays and took in his towering stature... or however you want to describe Sebastian...

Just a suggestion... I love gypsies though, and I'd love to read more!

Ritcherd
January 27th, 2011, 03:49 PM
Thanks for the suggestions fossiliferous_g. This is only first draft, so it will be changed. However it is only part of the story, roughly the middle of what I've written so far

authorkid94
August 28th, 2012, 12:17 AM
You should describe the unusual settings, rather than just outright saying everything seems unusual. Describe the differences, how they can tell. The girl, too. Give her more depth, maybe make him assume a few things about her. The idea is good, but you have to add a bit more detail to make it great. Keep it up, though. You've got some intriguing ideas.

hornet18
September 9th, 2012, 04:05 PM
It's alright for a first draft but agree that more description will be better, ie describe the characters and settings more. This will allow the reader to connect with the story.