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View Full Version : The Man In The Tricorn Hat (Dark Fantasy)



iTroll
January 26th, 2011, 08:29 AM
WARNING: Not for younger people.

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The guards watched as the man in the tricorn hat approached them slowly. As well as the hat he also wore a cloth shirt, breeches, leather boots and an ankle length trench coat. On his belt the man had a scabbard with a curved sword inside it. The guards, who were armed only with spears, suspected that it was a very sharp sword.

When the man reached them one of the guards made to step forwards to tell him to leave, no sooner had he opened his mouth however than the man's sword was released from the scabbard and the guardís vital organs were released from his stomach.
The second guard's eyes widened in terror as he swung his spear around to ward of his attacker. The man simply stepped forwards slicing his blade clean through the spear's wooden shaft, then, flipping the sword around he brought it down, stabbing into the soft, unprotected, area at the base of the guard's neck.
As the guard collapsed the man in the tricorn hat ripped his blade from his body as forcefully as he could. There was a lot of blood.

Then, not giving either of the men he had just heartlessly murdered a second glance. He quickly scaled the gate they had been protecting and dropped onto the other side.
Calmly and quietly the man in the tricorn hat followed the path that led into the mansion.

When he reached the door the man never even bothered to check if it was locked, he just kicked it so hard that the entire door flew off it's frame and hit a maid who just happened to be passing. Unfortunately for her the momentum of the door crushed her skull into the stone wall, killing her quickly, although far from painlessly.
Giving her bloodied corpse as much attention as he had to those of the guardsmen, the man began walking down the long hallway, a small smile on his face.

He soon reached some stairs and began to climb them, slowly, quietly and calmly. Just as he did everything. Two servants at the top of the stairway noticed the man however, and both began running as fast as they could.
It was no use. As soon as the man in the tricorn hat reached the top of the stairway he lifted two throwing knives from his pocket and threw both, with unerring accuracy, into the back of the servants' skulls.
The first of the two collapsed where he stood, the second however, continued for a few more steps before falling through an open window.
It was impossible for the servant's gory death to have gone entirely unnoticed, soon more guardsmen would arrive, and his chances of living through this venture would be dramatically decreased. A small part of the man's brain recorded this and decided that it would be a much better idea to leave now than get killed. It was not to be though, for the rest of the brain was having far too much fun to listen.

All through the mansion bells were ringing, warning of what was to come.
Silently, the man in the tricorn hat continued on his way. He reached the next stairwell at the same time as a group of guardsmen came running down, presumably to see why all of the warning bells were being rung, unlike the two outside these guards carried swords, rather than the impractical spears.
Unfortunately for the guardsmen, the owners of the house had wanted noble looking guards and so, had had them all armed with rapiers.
As these guards would soon find out to their cost, rapiers were long swords, used predominantly for stabbing, and therefore, need a lot of free space to be used, unfortunately, stairwells don't have a lot of free space.

As the man kicked the first of the defenders in the stomach, another tried to stab him, however the man simply grabbed the guard's wrist and pulled him forwards, then brought up his knee to the guard's elbow, causing it to explode in a shower of blood and bone. Then, pushing the helpless man back into one of his comrades he swung up his sword, straight into the face of his third attacker, splitting the guardsman's skull and covering himself in gore.
As the man who had been kicked in his stomach began to rise the newest corpse fell on him, knocking him down again. This still left three defenders to deal with. Quick as light the man pulled another throwing knife from his pocket and flicked it into one man's eye while deflecting the swords of the other two.
Then, he smashed the hilt of his weapon into one man's face, breaking his nose, and spun around, decapitating the guard sneaking up from behind. Then, turned back to his two remaining opponents, he parried several thrusts from the last uninjured guardsman before bringing his blade down to slice off the guard's hand at the wrist, then, throwing him to the ground, he walked towards the man with the broken nose, who was stumbling backwards swinging his rapier from side to side in an attempt to ward off his certain death. It didn't work.
The man in the tricorn hat stepped past the sword and grabbed the guardsman's shoulders, then brought up his knee into the man's groin, causing him to collapse.
Then he stamped on the guard's back as hard as he could, shattering the manís spine.
With the last of the group dead, the man calmly adjusted his hat, and then, smiling happily, he continued on his way.

Soon he reached the bedroom of the rich man and his wife. Upon kicking down the door he saw the man, his wife and their daughter cowering in the corner.
Grinning, he walked up to them
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" he asked sarcastically.
"Please..." moaned the rich man
"Please, what!?" said the man in the tricorn hat, kicking the other man in his stomach and dragging his daughter away from him.
"Nooo!!!" screamed the husband and wife together.
Grinning and holding his blade before the struggling girl's throat he asked
"What?"
"Please... She's only fifteen years old... She's still a child..." Moaned the rich man hopelessly.
"Oh really?" asked the man, his grin widening "Tell me, what would ya be willin' to give to spare her life?"
"Anything!"
"I thought so..." he spun the girl around in his arms so she was facing him
"It's seemin' that it's not your time to go just yet girlie, but I want ye to remember, whatís happenin' next is your fault, if you weren't here, maybe this wouldn't happen..." Then, still grinning insanely, he threw the girl to the opposite corner of the room
"Well done, good sir. Ye have traded your daughter's life for your own... And that of your wife!"
The rich man's eye's widened even further and he opened his mouth to beg some more, but it was not to be. In that instant, the first of the blows fell, and the man's skull was split, a moment later and his wife lay dead at his side, but the man in the tricorn hat did not stop, he continued to hack at the bodies until they were nothing more than unrecognizable piles of meat and bone.
Through all of this, the child cowered in the corner, her terror easily overcoming her rage.
Then, when he was done, the man gave her a two fingered salute and jumped out of the window.

For a moment longer she stayed there, then walking on shaking legs, the girl crossed the room and looked out of the window, there, far, far below, over the edge of the cliff, she saw a man climbing into a small rowing boat, which he and his companion began to row, calmly back towards the larger ship on the horizon.

The man in the tricorn hat smiled happily and said
"Well, that was a fun day out" to his friend, who rolled his eyes.

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fossiliferous_g
January 26th, 2011, 04:46 PM
hi iTroll,
i like the start to your story, I always love a little blood and guts, and I can see this is going somewhere, but you've left me feeling empty. At this point, I feel like the man in the tricorn hat is just some pirate...is there a deeper motive to his actions? He is talking and acting like killing and pillaging is just something he does, maybe even for fun, but he's doing it alone, which makes me think that he chose these people for a reason. Is there revenge on his mind? What's going through his head? Why would he want to kill all these people? He doesn't take the girl with him, or steal anything, so what's his motivation? It would be really cool if you could work some foreshadowing or motive into his actions, to make the reader wonder and ask why, to ask what's going to happen next. Is there some detail you could give us that would make me say hmmm.....?

iTroll
January 26th, 2011, 05:19 PM
Well, you're comment has got me to think more about this...

Originally I had intended him to be part of a crew of psychopaths, killing for enjoyment and sport (which is why he attacked the rich man's house, they were the only ones with guards). The reason for leaving the girl was simply to torture her emotionally (which is why he said "whatís happenin' next is your fault") and hopefully get some sport out of her in the future.

However, since you think that I'll try and think up some alternatives, maybe he will end up with more of a story.

caelum
January 27th, 2011, 12:53 AM
Okay, entertaining read :). Got some nits and ideas here,


The guards, who were armed only with spears, suspected that it was a very sharp sword.Why would the guards suspect it was a sharp sword?


When the man reached them one of the guards made to step forwards to tell him to leave, no sooner had he opened his mouth however than the man's sword was released from the scabbard and the guard’s vital organs were released from his stomach.Okay, I want to analyze this part and show you a different way you can put it. Instead of made to step forward, I'd say step forward. More actiony. I'd start a new sentence at "no sooner." I'd remove however and the adjective vital and find more exciting verbs than released, which you use twice in close proximity (using the same word closely is generally a faux pas). I don't know at this point what the ground is so I said sand.

When the man reached them one of the guards stepped forward to tell him to leave. No sooner had he opened his mouth than the man's sword shot from his scabbard and spilled the man's intestines on the sand.
soft, unprotected, areaBetween the final adjective and the noun you don't need a comma.


There was a lot of blood.I'd find a more poetic way of putting it. Maybe the blood spurted, or gushed.


a second glance. He quicklyPeriod here should be a comma.


Unfortunately for her the momentum of the door crushed her skull into the stone wall, killing her quickly, although far from painlessly.A little gratuitous. If you don't want the reader thinking the MC is the villain, it's best to avoid him killing innocents.


have gone entirely unnoticed, soonI'd exchange this comma for a semi-colon.

Okay, I'm further on, and the main character is starting to seem like a heartless murderer, the way he smiles after killing people. Don't know if this is your intention. The murder of the parents was sadistic.

There was some gripping action and good description, but not a lot of plot. It didn't seem like there was a purpose to this guy killing these people. At the outset I had figured the rich guy owning the mansion would be a tyrant deserving this attack, but no details were given why he was attacked. By the end I was sympathizing with the rich guy and his men. Maybe this was your intention.

To make the reader more interested, I think you could give reasons for this attack, maybe killing the rich guy would end local starvation, and throw more challenges at the protagonist making the outcome uncertain. If the guy simply plows through everyone, the reader won't be as worried, and therefore as interested. Hope this helps.

Edit: I see from your comment that the guy was basically a villain, which explains a lot.

-cae