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walkbyfaith
January 25th, 2011, 01:06 PM
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT





Anonymous: Hey Anne, may I borrow your bag?

Anne: (Handed it over- Quite confused...)

Anonymous: (Tagged a key-chain to her bag)

They say it brings good luck.. (Smiled and left.)

Anne: (Clueless.. She was left staring at that boy as he walks away.)





For months, that key-chain was left hanging there. Within every second spent were their laughter and growing affections for one another. But whatever it was they both felt, nothing made sense for it was kept hidden.



Days gone by and they grew a lot older.. But through the years, something within him never changed. It was his stare- as if he's always asking for something. He seemed so inquisitive. It made Anne more confused.



One day, the boy was late from school and danger loomed on his way home when three guys started firing shots at him with no apparent reason. It was sudden, and he died.



The girl wept after knowing that her best friend, her desire, just got killed... Nothing was left but their memories together and that key-chain.



Time took part on the healing of her wound. And she has now become a famous doctor in the country- single and enjoying the indulgence of success, almost forgetting about her yesterdays.

But this night is just so different. She's having trouble to sleep. She got up from bed and pulled a pending medical report on her desktop when something fell on the floor.

It was the key-chain. As she picks it up, she noticed a crack on it's ornament. Never over the years did she notice it's hollowness, as void as her lover's heart.. Yesterday relived once more..

But what disturbed her nostalgia was a piece of paper inside it's ornament. It's a letter written by the boy the first time he saw her in school.....




"Hey, I don't know who you are. I'm looking at you as I write this letter. I can see you smiling and I'm completely dazzled..... I think, this is love at first sight..."

Tripp
January 25th, 2011, 03:10 PM
Good start! I'd like to see a little more descriptiveness, though that may not be what you're going for.
Watch your tenses. Your piece seems to be in past tense, but then you have these in there too:
"... as if he's always asking for something."
"As she picks it up..."
Look forward to reading more!

Tripp Dakota

The Blue Pencil
February 3rd, 2011, 01:36 AM
I'm not sure if this is a script or short story....
I really enjoyed the theme, it was very touching and intruiging. I think you should add just a bit more detail and fill out the story a bit.