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View Full Version : The Fotune Monster (5th draft) I need a critique on grammar



namesake
January 25th, 2011, 02:10 AM
He was considered the world’s best spy. The world’s best spy went by the name of Dinion, but he was a man that had many names. Inside, the liquor bar, it was a metropolis, like auroras in a small space metropolis lit up and bright. He was inside this metropolis thinking well of its people. The neon lights flashed slowly, as if flashy codes and the flashy metal guns of momentary flashes of people on their spy missions. This was hardly remembered of a vast space where anyone could scream nearby and no one would hear you. It reminded of space missions done like a short day at the opera house, with screaming voices booming, a new feature where one man could have been shot. People looked at the performance. Dinion spied. It was a carnival of people and a metropolis that was a worldly sight where people withheld their identities and were of the elite. The owner of the bar was John Carvel. It was a dream world located on a mountain. Many things were impossible and possible.

"It seems as if I have drunk too much liquor for the evening," he said to the man named Oryonex who was his friend having drunk liquor while at the table.

Dinion drunk a special drug tonic that revitalized the brain boundlessly, gunshots were avoidable since they looked slower. He had the reaction of a fly, fast and responsive, and it was scarcely a new ability and he noticed it. It was a superhuman survival instinct tapped of the brain of a special man who had undergone experiments in the city. It was special and given under license for would-be spies. No one could buy it without a license. Only potential hit men and spies had access to this elite tool. It was a spy license.

He talked with a person who was drinking. "Yes," he said, "I think you need a moment outside," Dinion pushed the table, this man was a special friend. “This man you talk of, does he work for a secret organization? I think I have heard of people like you who do.”

“Yes. Carvel seems closely related to the extremely rich people like me, the ones that specialize in buying the large tracts of land on planets to make their very own countries. They hire the best, and I was hired. I’m a personal bodyguard and spy of the new world president who is now a max-millionaire." Dinion neared the table, with his empty and dry Limoncello on top of the marble counter.

“I see interesting. Why are you telling me classified information? This isn‘t a safe place since people could catch on to the spying.” Oryonex said.


“Because I work for the liquor bar I am always looking for new people to trust. I despise people who I cannot trust beyond doubt. And I can get rid of people if need be in the last resource, anyone who I cannot trust.” Dinion added.

Dinion’s memory was wiped clean. He was all alone now as the liquor bar that had closed. Something had been poured into his drink. He stood at a daze, telling these secrets. He could not stop talking, not even stop himself from spreading secrets. It was dangerous. He was now as silent as a ghost. He did not know why.

Still though, Oryonex was here. The bright light of golden coins that shimmered in his eyes like the sun to the moon and the talk of spies brought urgency like at the sight of treasure. He had now been obnoxious and now had to be escorted outside.

“What can I say? The owner is afraid for you. He wants you to be taken home. People could be after something you know.” Oryonex said. He looked at the empty road ahead to home.

They now encountered someone who went to dine here. Everyone by now were made sure and clear that he worked for a billionaire. He was drunk and the whole world knew it.

There was a special man that they had now spotted looking at the limelight; he was a spy of spies although Dinion did not know what to make of that expression from Oryonex at first. He was the one who had poured the tonic substance into the drink and who had approached him. Deviously clever he pretended he walked with a real leg, when in fact it was artificial, it was a robotic prosthetic limb made of titanium. The man who escorted him noticed it by the gait that something was not quite right about him since he was rambunctious. And as he had drank a Shirley Temple, he went on talking to people outside this world wanting to know more about the experimental abyss that lay in the city that Dinion knew about.

“Something of what you said tells me something about you that you were once human. I was looking for you.” Calydron said of Dinion.

“Who is this person and why is he talking to you outside the bar at night? Do you know this man? He wears black and dark clothes, and his appearance is sinister.” Oryonex said. “He even knows you.”

“Your best friend is the virtuoso man, the one that best plays the piano on the planet,” said Calydron to Dinion. “He was taught by the world when he was already born. His plans are to create a utopian land for instrumentalists.”

“How did you know?” Dinion asked of him. “I am trusted, and no one can know our secrets. In fact people have been condemned to death with artificial sicknesses that are man-made, do you want the police to send you an instant kill pill for this?”

"It is because you have been spreading secrets that you’ll be my victim. I wonder if your friend here knows what I am intending to do. As I hang out in this place you know I intend to perhaps be smart and take it out of you. I am going to do the unthinkable,” Calydron now said.

"Then what will it take to stop you then?” Dinion said determined.

“I’m afraid you do know a lot, but the owner of the restaurant has been murdered along with people you all know. You must talk Mr. Bodyguard or you too will suffer like them.” Calydron said deliriously. “Now that your memory is gone and your friends are dead, I plan to keep you not sober, and to keep you under the effects of the drug tonic until everyone in this land knows everything about your spying ways. I hold a grudge against that max millionaire for he is a thief. He is a thief with class. I can tell that after I already poured so many tonics in your drink that you already told the person next to you, Oryonex what I wanted to know. Do not worry, he will go too. The alcohol you took will not stop you from spreading secrets. That tonic in your brain is no longer working as not in the system. It is an alcohol mix that makes you confess things.”

Shocked, Dinion took out his gun; his speed was that quick because of the tonic, or rather the alcohol had made Dinion chemically slower. He ran. Afraid like a coward cowered backed into the corner by a lion, he roared several times. In the sense that gunshot was shot it missed a curve that went instead of him to his friend (like a curve-ball).

“I will die a slow death. Dinion, now it is up to you to stop him. To stop him and Korea and the rest of this world who want to dismantle the plans of a future state that is perfect for them and rule under a world ruler.” Oryonex said. “Now that I am getting out the picture, I will say that never again talk and drink near strangers. Strangers are evil and they need your care and friendship to betray you. You could tell them all your secrets and they would spread them. There is also something about you that the owner never explained. He really likes what you‘ve done, you‘ve attracted investors. If they do not find out about the murder, then it is true that people do die in vain my friend. Nowadays, a person can get rid of a crowded place and police officers, squads of them and kill them with just one weapon.” He said at long last, and then he suddenly died.

“If you do not want me to go killing other people, give me your credit card information and what you know."

"Alright, so you are a thief and assassin, I am going to flee from here, you know you won’t be able to stop me with gun shots. Simply put I am planning to escape from you.”

“As I noted I don’t intend to kill you.” Calydron said. “It is not above me.”

“Ok then I will not attack you. Then stay away from me and people, or perhaps more people will die without you knowing.” Dinion said. It was an unfortunate statement he had to say.

“As a bodyguard to the president, I know you are a spy.” Calydron said.

The thief, multiple-time and mega serial assassin took out his glasses, for a moment in the dark darkness. "Ask yourself what will happen if you die?" Calydron said with Oryonex dead smiling." You will create an enormous rupture of power in an explosion. You were designed to be a human that carried secrets as part of an experiment. That was because of your secrets. For the secrets alone you hold, you deserve to live. To this day I do not forget it. I will make you confess all you know of the world empire. That tonic makes you drunk, and makes you spill out all your secrets now that you are part man part spy. For the world empire is my home.”

With a gunshot, a whirlwind formed into the sky. It created small tornadoes in a building that landed into the liquor store and finished them off. It was going to touch down as it did. That was what ruptured the world of the bar owner. It was one solemn silent death.

"Do you have money? I suggest you hand it over, or more people will die?” Calydron said.

“Bastard, so you’ll do anything to get this secret information from me, now the bar is gone.”

“Indeed I will.”

“Then my only option is to run.”

"How unlucky for you," Calydron said and brandished his gun. It seemed he was several paces closer with bio-technology slowing brain reactions. Calydron knew to complete his folly and he had to act now. A new machine had appeared, a machine the shape of a bird with cameras that spied of people flying in the skies.

Dinion took his gun and destroyed the machine since he knew it was to follow him.

“How many more will appear of my robots? I suggest you run.” Calydron said.

"But I will run.” Dinion said.

"I need money. I will have your money and life," he said. “I want revenge, and your money. I want infamy, and I want glory.” Calydron the thief assassin said after the world.

"There is but one path that I need to cross. I and you have now crossed paths of vengeance. I didn’t want to do anything but you have crossed the line. I will get you when I remember everything. Then and only then will you be found. I know how to find any one person. Even max millionaires that do fraud.” Dinion said angrily, vexed and frustrated.

“Heed my words.” The world is in need of a world emperor and that is why I was born to serve him as a spy and assassin, to help make it not stop it from ever happening!” Calydron added madly.

****

The world held information private of rich corporations that did back-up copies to billionaire and millionaires’ brains to keep them ahead no matter how crooked they were. Calydron was such a millionaire whom dealt with people and was absolved of crimes. Power-hungry dictators and people raped and killed innocent children. They needed millions to keep their countries running alive as it had a private police force, and for the digital download of a brain it ran a robust operation. If there was no back up copy they would have to go there and pay a large amount of money to get it. The incognito dealer who dealt with Dinion and crime had to accomplish all the goals of his clients, and had always offered the path to get the memory back as the most violent. That was the forecast.

"Hello, my name is Brent the secret operative of secret criminals. Are you sure you want to do this?" Said the man called Brent.

"Are you aware that it is a good idea that we are at the police station?" Dinion said to the street dealer. "The police have now taken themselves to the streets."

“The world created an organization that acts much like the United States. It wants an organization for the entire universe. That way you can stop dictators from rapping women and children indiscriminately. And so that socialites can go bankrupt and turn into proselytizing charity workers for the better of human kind. I assume you know all this information.”

The street dealer reeled back and heard a whirring clock noise. "Why are you against this work? Why are you not a proselytizing charity worker?” Brent asked. “Why are you spreading secrets? I believe robots, nowadays act like cameras, and eyes of emperors are hooked into a giant TV screen somewhere in depths of hell under earth or the frigid sky were not one man alive can reach them with technology, and deep underwater where no man-made submarine can reach them.”

"Or so you believe? This man, all you need is to get me the tonic to get my memory back.”

It was a cold and gloomy night just as the city was alive and people did commerce at this time at night.

Dinion took out some bills, and handed him what was deep down in his wallet with dollar bills and put them together. "Let's see what I can do with this then." Brent Verne had now said.

"In the meantime lets go to the woman who tells the future with prehistory and I will then help you."


***

"I was eavesdropping at the Liquor bar that day." Brent Verne said. "I am afraid of that place. They erase people's memories and the very rich and powerful go there," Brent said.

“It is a place that I fear.” Dinion said.

"Besides it seems you are excessively scared and this man has a bad criminal history that he hides." Verne said when he heard that.

"People who are rich are above the law and protected by the police and they have certain quirks that need to be accomplished if you are to meet them," Brent said as the man shut the car trunk and ran.”

“I am an experiment.” Dinion said.

“So you are part of an experiment, I heard they are spreading anonymous reports of you. Secret organizations run newspapers and are spreading them all over the city. No one man knows how you lost your favor with the emperor. But it seems he won’t rule until the election comes into place. It will run several hundred years and then people will elect the new emperor.”

"They say I work for the syndicate, what hogwash. But I am too a professional. “Dinion said.

"We are people who can transform in the future as we are powerful. I chose you since you can supply me with the tonic. I cannot lie about anything. I am drunk. Something happened to me.”

"My friend is a prehistory teller and spy and does not like to be seen by people and she is not like that at all," Brent Verne said. “She knows how to help people of all kinds of problems especially criminals just like you." Brent Verne said.

"Does she work for a secret organization?" Dinion said. “They want information from me."

"She is the most famous of all spies for her abilities." Brent Verne said.

"The man who is after me has a vendetta and detests people who playing the spy game on people.” Dinion said.

“I will describe this person in person and we will use a detailed record-keeping device, and use sentient machine-robotic-birds with cameras to track this person down.”




****
Lovel the prehistory spy (specialized in the future and spying) said with her voice of a time when Dinion had saved a man that fell into a hole. "I do readings," the prehistory teller went on and said. "The eye of my visions is my main instrument like the eye of an eagle even when it rains. But I did burn candles and I dreamed of your arrival for days to resolve your conflict of no identity. For what I have to say now there is one who was looking for me and he has eyes for spies," Lovel the woman continued.

Dinion saw a woman who was likeable and if her own beauty were an indicator of honesty she would not resort to telling him stories of violence. "Do not be alarmed of my appearance of a spy woman," she said looking alarmed. "You see me in the dark as a spy woman even though you can't see me. I remind you it is a tale that has been passed from generations." But Dinion remembered it all the same.

"Your memory will return." She knew. She revealed the cloth and took it off the circular table.

Inside Lovel looked at her crystal worldview with people in every corner. As the orb of hers was glowing it was showing everything in view. It was a special device that recorded people all around the city.

"Mrs. Lovel So the vision will begin?" said Dinion.

"Yes." Lovel the gypsy spy said and looked inside the prehistory teller’s ball. She was telling doing, and showing, she looked starring into the bright glowing light, it reminded of alive and talking spirits. She was looking all over the city. It was a bright light that had a distinct quality of light that resembled the daylight and that kept Dinion awake even in the afterhours. Lovel became visionary, starring at the crystal ball though not looking completely inside all of it for a glimpse of the future and the world. "What do I see in this reconnaissance mission?"

Dinion brushed his leg against the circular table of the clairvoyant's table awaiting the vision that was seen by a thousand eyes.

"I can see a man who wears black clothing somewhere from one of 100,000 locations. The police tell me he cashed a paycheck that belonged to a max millionaire. To think he is in league with the emperor. It was impossible to believe.”

Lovel almost felt a hawk landing as the wind blew slapped her and blew her hair. But she put her fingers off of the crystal ball as she looked at all of the room and into Dinion's face momentarily. She felt safe even though she had imagined seeing a hawk seizing control of her crystal ball. Her energetic fingers moved out of the touch of the frozen cold form of the crystal ball and took control again. She looked in Dinion's eyes.


He could see her crying and emotional. "Are you ok my lady?" Dinion said.

“Here is the tonic I will be supplying as an antidote. It will bring back your memories back.”

"Be careful," Lovel the said now, "when drinking alcohol. All secrets are coming into the opening. Alcohol is high in your system. You are not excessively dopey but the man you had a drink with before coming here had too much to drink, and I am not talking about the bar. Everyone there had died by a man-made tornado. As we speak, a sophisticated terror organization is stopping police activity close to zero, a barrage of hurricane winds are landing. People are safe inside. But they are not safe from crime.”

She heard what was a gunshot was heard off a distance and Lovel was pensive if it was about the man who killed all of people inside the bar with a gun. The sound of an explosion ricocheted like a cannon in modern times with a "bang." Just as powerful in noise and impact as several years ago when it could have detonated. "Gidion has been killed," a man said as he accosted the woman with the open door even though they were in a session, and revealed the red velvety showroom where there was the prehistory teller. Lovel cried at the news, her confidante Gidion had died. He was sweating from his long climb of the levitating steps. "The Brent Verne dealer made a run for it. He is not here anymore." Lovel said.

"There are millions of memories stored in that bank worth billions and millions in millionaires' heads and others. Some people are good and some people bad and evil and money cannot recover a human life." She said just as when Oryonex had echoed the sentiment and as when Dinion thirsted for revenge.

"Get all the other spies on the line," Lovel, the gypsy woman said. "I need to be sure my gypsy people and my families are living. Tell me they are safe almighty god."

"The police are working for that man and it seems he works for the bank of where your memory does lie. It is a special police fort that also works for places such as national security."

“Then so be it, your memory is back. That tonic is now going to take effect, and you will track the man in the dark clothing. That’s name is Calydron who is a prolific murderer and spy, and he is now walking in the streets to the bank.”

****



The prehistory teller was gone but the assassination attempt had been thwarted. Dinion had just walked back.

"The bank and place and the police do frequent here because of what it does and money it has its own police station at all times to protect customers." Brent had said like a talking teacher.

Dinion went to the elevator murderous. He was after the assassination of character.

The office had Monet, and Van Goth paintings that brought a luminescence as beautiful and as dangerous as people could be if they were made of stars. Calydron's personality was temperance in such a cooling temperature, unrevealing, and calculated that brought so much hatred.

Dinion could see pillars of stone and cement and if Calydron would run he would use a horse.

"Why Calydron did you do this?" His memory gone he was a modern day cold-blooded murderer. It looked to be a place as vapid and empty as a forest and in setting just plain and empty and emotionless as a sheet of ice.

"Sometimes we spies do things in life that give us meaning such as stealing and we do things to make others feel impotent." Calydron said as the thief looked in Dinion's eyes. The mystery unraveled, was raveled, and the truth came forth. "I for example killed spies. I am a fortune monster who stole things as a thief, like slaying a banker or a dragon. I hoard gold and riches and its stores. To make gains. To live the good life as I gain money to me was to me my life. To gain fortune I was a true monster but to be a monster was all my life. Like looking for a golden duck and killing it to pluck its golden feathers, for the sake of being a millionaire."

"So this is your confession?" Dinion had said as he neared to give the final blow. Dinion took his gun in his hand like an old-fashioned leather lasso and smothered the life out of him even though he was not a snake. The world emperor cried the death. His world vision would be stalled for hundreds more years. The perfect assassin had been killed with his spiritual self gone. He had poured billions into research advances to conquer the world. To research to have made all countries immune to all nuclear nukes and to save the country from disease made by mankind so that spies would no longer hold the world in balance. Calydron the impeccable thief, and world class spy was not to be seen again, whom had been after a cause to take over the world with a spy’s cold heart.

Sam
January 27th, 2011, 08:33 PM
He was considered the world’s best spy. The world’s best spy (consider removing the repetition of 'world's best spy' and use 'he' instead.) went by the name of Dinion, but he was a man that had many names. Inside, the liquor bar, it was a metropolis, like auroras in a small space metropolis lit up and bright. He was inside this metropolis (again, 'metropolis' three times in two sentences is a bit much) thinking well of its people. The neon lights flashed slowly, as if flashy codes and the flashy metal guns of momentary flashes (you have a habit of repeating the same word over and over; it becomes grating to your reader)of people on their spy missions. This was hardly remembered of a vast space where anyone could scream nearby and no one would hear you. It reminded of space missions done like a short day at the opera house, with screaming voices booming, a new feature where one man could have been shot. People looked at the performance. Dinion spied. It was a carnival of people and a metropolis that was a worldly sight where people withheld their identities and were of the elite. The owner of the bar was John Carvel. It was a dream world located on a mountain. Many things were impossible and possible.

"It seems as if I have drunk too much liquor for the evening," he said to the man named Oryonex who was his friend, having drunk liquor while at the table.

Dinion drunk a special drug tonic that revitalized the brain boundlessly; gunshots were avoidable since they looked slower. He had the reaction of a fly, fast and responsive, and it was scarcely a new ability and he noticed it. It was a superhuman survival instinct tapped of the brain of a special man who had undergone experiments in the city. It was special and given under license for would-be spies. No one could buy it without a license. Only potential hit men and spies had access to this elite tool. It was a spy license.

He talked with a person who was drinking. "Yes," he said, "I think you need a moment outside." Dinion pushed the table; this man was a special friend. “This man you talk of, does he work for a secret organization? I think I have heard of people like you who do.”

“Yes. Carvel seems closely related to the extremely rich people like me, the ones that specialize in buying the large tracts of land on planets to make their very own countries. They hire the best, and I was hired. I’m a personal bodyguard and spy of the new world president who is now a multi-millionaire." Dinion neared the table, with his empty and dry Limoncello on top of the marble counter.

“I see . . . interesting. Why are you telling me classified information? This isn‘t a safe place since people could catch on to the spying,” Oryonex said.


“Because I work for the liquor bar I am always looking for new people to trust. I despise people who I cannot trust beyond doubt. And I can get rid of people if need be in the last resource, anyone who I cannot trust,” Dinion added.

Dinion’s memory was wiped clean. He was all alone now as the liquor bar that had closed. Something had been poured into his drink. He stood at a daze, telling these secrets. He could not stop talking, not even stop himself from spreading secrets. It was dangerous. He was now as silent as a ghost. He did not know why.

Still, though, Oryonex was here. The bright light of golden coins that shimmered in his eyes like the sun to the moon and the talk of spies brought urgency like at the sight of treasure. He had now been obnoxious and now had to be escorted outside.

“What can I say? The owner is afraid for you. He wants you to be taken home. People could be after something you know.” Oryonex said. He looked at the empty road ahead to home.

They now encountered someone who went to dine here. Everyone by now was made sure and clear that he worked for a billionaire. He was drunk and the whole world knew it.

There was a special man that they had now spotted looking at the limelight; he was a spy of spies, although Dinion did not know what to make of that expression from Oryonex at first. He was the one who had poured the tonic substance into the drink and who had approached him. Deviously clever, he pretended he walked with a real leg, when in fact it was artificial, it was a robotic prosthetic limb made of titanium. The man who escorted him noticed it by the gait that something was not quite right about him since he was rambunctious. And as he had drank a Shirley Temple, he went on talking to people outside this world, wanting to know more about the experimental abyss that lay in the city that Dinion knew about.

“Something of what you said tells me something about you that you were once human. I was looking for you.” Calydron said of Dinion.

“Who is this person and why is he talking to you outside the bar at night? Do you know this man? He wears black and dark clothes, and his appearance is sinister.” Oryonex said. “He even knows you.”

“Your best friend is the virtuoso man, the one that best plays the piano on the planet,” said Calydron to Dinion. “He was taught by the world when he was already born. His plans are to create a utopian land for instrumentalists.”

“How did you know?” Dinion asked of him. “I am trusted, and no one can know our secrets. In fact people have been condemned to death with artificial sicknesses that are man-made,('artificial' means 'man-made') do you want the police to send you an instant kill pill for this?”

"It is because you have been spreading secrets that you’ll be my victim. I wonder if your friend here knows what I am intending to do. As I hang out in this place you know I intend to perhaps be smart and take it out of you. I am going to do the unthinkable,” Calydron now said.

"Then what will it take to stop you then?” Dinion said determinedly.

“I’m afraid you do know a lot, but the owner of the restaurant has been murdered along with people you all know. You must talk, Mr. Bodyguard, or you too will suffer like them.” Calydron said deliriously. “Now that your memory is gone and your friends are dead, I plan to keep you not sober (intoxicated), and to keep you under the effects of the drug tonic until everyone in this land knows everything about your spying ways. I hold a grudge against that max millionaire, for he is a thief. He is a thief with class. I can tell that after I already poured so many tonics in your drink that you already told the person next to you, Oryonex what I wanted to know. Do not worry, he will go too. The alcohol you took will not stop you from spreading secrets. That tonic in your brain is no longer working as not in the system. It is an alcohol mix that makes you confess things.”

Shocked, Dinion took out his gun; his speed was that quick because of the tonic, or rather the alcohol had made Dinion chemically slower. He ran. Afraid like a coward cowered backed into the corner by a lion, he roared several times. In the sense that gunshot was shot it missed a curve that went instead of him to his friend (like a curve-ball). (It is physically impossible, outside of The Matrix, for a bullet to follow a curved trajectory. It flies straight and true, dropping a varying distance for every hundred metres travelled. If your book defies the laws of gravity, you need to make allusions to this).

“I will die a slow death. Dinion, now it is up to you to stop him. To stop him and Korea and the rest of this world who want to dismantle the plans of a future state that is perfect for them and rule under a world ruler.” Oryonex said. “Now that I am getting out the picture, I will say that never again talk and drink near strangers. Strangers are evil and they need your care and friendship to betray you. You could tell them all your secrets and they would spread them. There is also something about you that the owner never explained. He really likes what you‘ve done; you‘ve attracted investors. If they do not find out about the murder, then it is true that people do die in vain, my friend. Nowadays, a person can get rid of a crowded place and police officers, squads of them and kill them with just one weapon.” He said at long last, and then he suddenly died.

“If you do not want me to go killing other people, give me your credit card information and what you know." (If the man is after dying, who's talking to who here? You need to make it crystal clear who's doing the talking).

"Alright (no such word; it's 'all right'), so you are a thief and assassin, I am going to flee from here, you know you won’t be able to stop me with gun shots. Simply put I am planning to escape from you.”

“As I noted I don’t intend to kill you.” Calydron said. “It is not above me.”

“Ok then I will not attack you. Then stay away from me and people, or perhaps more people will die without you knowing.” Dinion said. It was an unfortunate statement he had to say.

“As a bodyguard to the president, I know you are a spy.” Calydron said.

The thief, multiple-time and mega serial assassin took out his glasses, for a moment in the dark darkness. "Ask yourself what will happen if you die?" Calydron said with Oryonex dead smiling." You will create an enormous rupture of power in an explosion. You were designed to be a human that carried secrets as part of an experiment. That was because of your secrets. For the secrets alone you hold, you deserve to live. To this day I do not forget it. I will make you confess all you know of the world empire. That tonic makes you drunk, and makes you spill out all your secrets now that you are part man part spy. For the world empire is my home.”

With a gunshot, a whirlwind formed into the sky. It created small tornadoes in a building that landed into the liquor store and finished them off. It was going to touch down as it did. That was what ruptured the world of the bar owner. It was one solemn silent death.

"Do you have money? I suggest you hand it over, or more people will die?” Calydron said.

“Bastard, so you’ll do anything to get this secret information from me, now the bar is gone.”

“Indeed I will.”

“Then my only option is to run.”

"How unlucky for you," Calydron said and brandished his gun. It seemed he was several paces closer with bio-technology slowing brain reactions. Calydron knew to complete his folly and he had to act now. A new machine had appeared, a machine the shape of a bird with cameras that spied of people flying in the skies.

Dinion took his gun and destroyed the machine since he knew it was to follow him.

“How many more will appear of my robots? I suggest you run.” Calydron said.

"But I will run,” Dinion said.

"I need money. I will have your money and life," he said. “I want revenge, and your money. I want infamy, and I want glory.” Calydron the thief assassin said after the world.

"There is but one path that I need to cross. I and you have now crossed paths of vengeance. I didn’t want to do anything but you have crossed the line. I will get you when I remember everything. Then and only then will you be found. I know how to find any one person. Even max millionaires that do fraud.” Dinion said angrily, vexed and frustrated.

“Heed my words.” The world is in need of a world emperor and that is why I was born to serve him as a spy and assassin, to help make it not stop it from ever happening!” Calydron added madly.

****

The world held information private of rich corporations that did back-up copies to billionaire and millionaires’ brains to keep them ahead no matter how crooked they were. Calydron was such a millionaire, whom (who) dealt with people and was absolved of crimes. Power-hungry dictators and people raped and killed innocent children. They needed millions to keep their countries running alive as it had a private police force, and for the digital download of a brain it ran a robust operation. If there was no back up copy they would have to go there and pay a large amount of money to get it. The incognito dealer who dealt with Dinion and crime had to accomplish all the goals of his clients, and had always offered the path to get the memory back as the most violent. That was the forecast.

"Hello, my name is Brent the secret operative of secret criminals. Are you sure you want to do this?" Said the man called Brent.

"Are you aware that it is a good idea that we are at the police station?" Dinion said to the street dealer. "The police have now taken themselves to the streets."

“The world created an organization that acts much like the United States. It wants an organization for the entire universe. That way you can stop dictators from rapping women and children indiscriminately. And so that socialites can go bankrupt and turn into proselytizing charity workers for the better of human kind. I assume you know all this information.”

The street dealer reeled back and heard a whirring clock noise. "Why are you against this work? Why are you not a proselytizing charity worker?” Brent asked. “Why are you spreading secrets? I believe robots, nowadays act like cameras, and eyes of emperors are hooked into a giant TV screen somewhere in depths of hell under earth or the frigid sky were not one man alive can reach them with technology, and deep underwater where no man-made submarine can reach them.”

"Or so you believe? This man, all you need is to get me the tonic to get my memory back.”

It was a cold and gloomy night just as the city was alive and people did commerce at this time at night.

Dinion took out some bills, and handed him what was deep down in his wallet with dollar bills and put them together. "Let's see what I can do with this then." Brent Verne had now said.

"In the meantime lets go to the woman who tells the future with prehistory and I will then help you."


***

"I was eavesdropping at the Liquor bar that day." Brent Verne said. "I am afraid of that place. They erase people's memories and the very rich and powerful go there," Brent said.

“It is a place that I fear.” Dinion said.

"Besides it seems you are excessively scared and this man has a bad criminal history that he hides." Verne said when he heard that.

"People who are rich are above the law and protected by the police and they have certain quirks that need to be accomplished if you are to meet them," Brent said as the man shut the car trunk and ran.”

“I am an experiment.” Dinion said.

“So you are part of an experiment, I heard they are spreading anonymous reports of you. Secret organizations run newspapers and are spreading them all over the city. No one man knows how you lost your favor with the emperor. But it seems he won’t rule until the election comes into place. It will run several hundred years and then people will elect the new emperor.”

"They say I work for the syndicate, what hogwash. But I am too a professional. “Dinion said.

"We are people who can transform in the future as we are powerful. I chose you since you can supply me with the tonic. I cannot lie about anything. I am drunk. Something happened to me.”

"My friend is a prehistory teller and spy and does not like to be seen by people and she is not like that at all," Brent Verne said. “She knows how to help people of all kinds of problems especially criminals just like you." Brent Verne said.

"Does she work for a secret organization?" Dinion said. “They want information from me."

"She is the most famous of all spies for her abilities." Brent Verne said.

"The man who is after me has a vendetta and detests people who playing the spy game on people.” Dinion said.

“I will describe this person in person and we will use a detailed record-keeping device, and use sentient machine-robotic-birds with cameras to track this person down.”




****
Lovel the prehistory spy (specialized in the future and spying) said with her voice of a time when Dinion had saved a man that fell into a hole. "I do readings," the prehistory teller went on and said. "The eye of my visions is my main instrument like the eye of an eagle even when it rains. But I did burn candles and I dreamed of your arrival for days to resolve your conflict of no identity. For what I have to say now there is one who was looking for me and he has eyes for spies," Lovel the woman continued.

Dinion saw a woman who was likeable and if her own beauty were an indicator of honesty she would not resort to telling him stories of violence. "Do not be alarmed of my appearance of a spy woman," she said looking alarmed. "You see me in the dark as a spy woman even though you can't see me. I remind you it is a tale that has been passed from generations." But Dinion remembered it all the same.

"Your memory will return." She knew. She revealed the cloth and took it off the circular table.

Inside Lovel looked at her crystal worldview with people in every corner. As the orb of hers was glowing it was showing everything in view. It was a special device that recorded people all around the city.

"Mrs. Lovel So the vision will begin?" said asked Dinion.

"Yes." Lovel the gypsy spy said and looked inside the prehistory teller’s ball. She was telling doing, and showing, she looked starring into the bright glowing light, it reminded of alive and talking spirits. She was looking all over the city. It was a bright light that had a distinct quality of light that resembled the daylight and that kept Dinion awake even in the afterhours. Lovel became visionary, starring at the crystal ball though not looking completely inside all of it for a glimpse of the future and the world. "What do I see in this reconnaissance mission?"

Dinion brushed his leg against the circular table of the clairvoyant's table awaiting the vision that was seen by a thousand eyes.

"I can see a man who wears black clothing somewhere from one of 100,000 locations. The police tell me he cashed a paycheck that belonged to a max millionaire. To think he is in league with the emperor. It was impossible to believe.”

Lovel almost felt a hawk landing as the wind blew slapped her and blew her hair. But she put her fingers off of the crystal ball as she looked at all of the room and into Dinion's face momentarily. She felt safe even though she had imagined seeing a hawk seizing control of her crystal ball. Her energetic fingers moved out of the touch of the frozen cold form of the crystal ball and took control again. She looked in Dinion's eyes.


He could see her crying and emotional. "Are you ok my lady?" Dinion said.

“Here is the tonic I will be supplying as an antidote. It will bring back your memories back.”

"Be careful," Lovel the said now, "when drinking alcohol. All secrets are coming into the opening. Alcohol is high in your system. You are not excessively dopey but the man you had a drink with before coming here had too much to drink, and I am not talking about the bar. Everyone there had died by a man-made tornado. As we speak, a sophisticated terror organization is stopping police activity close to zero, a barrage of hurricane winds are landing. People are safe inside. But they are not safe from crime.”

She heard what was a gunshot was heard off a distance and Lovel was pensive if it was about the man who killed all of people inside the bar with a gun. The sound of an explosion ricocheted like a cannon in modern times with a "bang." Just as powerful in noise and impact as several years ago when it could have detonated. "Gidion has been killed," a man said as he accosted the woman with the open door even though they were in a session, and revealed the red velvety showroom where there was the prehistory teller. Lovel cried at the news, her confidante Gidion had died. He was sweating from his long climb of the levitating steps. "The Brent Verne dealer made a run for it. He is not here anymore." Lovel said.

"There are millions of memories stored in that bank worth billions and millions in millionaires' heads and others. Some people are good and some people bad and evil and money cannot recover a human life." She said just as when Oryonex had echoed the sentiment and as when Dinion thirsted for revenge.

"Get all the other spies on the line," Lovel, the gypsy woman said. "I need to be sure my gypsy people and my families are living. Tell me they are safe almighty god."

"The police are working for that man and it seems he works for the bank of where your memory does lie. It is a special police fort that also works for places such as national security."

“Then so be it, your memory is back. That tonic is now going to take effect, and you will track the man in the dark clothing. That’s name is Calydron who is a prolific murderer and spy, and he is now walking in the streets to the bank.”

****



The prehistory teller was gone but the assassination attempt had been thwarted. Dinion had just walked back.

"The bank and place and the police do frequent here because of what it does and money it has its own police station at all times to protect customers." Brent had said like a talking teacher.

Dinion went to the elevator murderous. He was after the assassination of character.

The office had Monet, and Van Goth paintings that brought a luminescence as beautiful and as dangerous as people could be if they were made of stars. Calydron's personality was temperance in such a cooling temperature, unrevealing, and calculated that brought so much hatred.

Dinion could see pillars of stone and cement and if Calydron would run he would use a horse.

"Why Calydron did you do this?" His memory gone he was a modern day cold-blooded murderer. It looked to be a place as vapid and empty as a forest and in setting just plain and empty and emotionless as a sheet of ice.

"Sometimes we spies do things in life that give us meaning such as stealing and we do things to make others feel impotent." Calydron said as the thief looked in Dinion's eyes. The mystery unraveled, was raveled, and the truth came forth. "I for example killed spies. I am a fortune monster who stole things as a thief, like slaying a banker or a dragon. I hoard gold and riches and its stores. To make gains. To live the good life as I gain money to me was to me my life. To gain fortune I was a true monster but to be a monster was all my life. Like looking for a golden duck and killing it to pluck its golden feathers, for the sake of being a millionaire."

"So this is your confession?" Dinion had said as he neared to give the final blow. Dinion took his gun in his hand like an old-fashioned leather lasso and smothered the life out of him even though he was not a snake. The world emperor cried the death. His world vision would be stalled for hundreds more years. The perfect assassin had been killed with his spiritual self gone. He had poured billions into research advances to conquer the world. To research to have made all countries immune to all nuclear nukes and to save the country from disease made by mankind so that spies would no longer hold the world in balance. Calydron the impeccable thief, and world class spy was not to be seen again, whom had been after a cause to take over the world with a spy’s cold heart.


Would I be right in saying that English is not your first language? My apologies if I'm wrong, but there are sentence constructions in this piece that I think were made with another language in mind. English is quite a difficult language for natives to learn, but even more so for someone who hasn't learned it as a first language. The way sentences are constructed in English is a lot different to other languages.

Overall, I liked the piece. I think you need to do a little research into a few areas, and I would advise cutting some of the dialogue and incorporating a little more action. That's up to you, of course.

namesake
January 27th, 2011, 09:47 PM
Thank you. Would you say the grammar is correct or it needs some revising in this story? If so, what resource do you recommend to fix it so that I can look it up in my spare time? Garza who is a fine mod helped me at first and recommended the Purdue writing lab. You said that my sentences have an odd structure. I have seen people comment on the story and say that it has grammar errors in the first dozen paragraphs. These are native speakers who probably havn't opened a grammar book (but this is the fifth version and I spent a few hours fixing it). This is intimidating and sad. These people that are astute readers. I need to fix this. I am bilingual. My first langauge is spanish. So could you point me to a resourse if the grammar needs more fixing, or the structure? I am thankful you could help me. Not many people are willing. I need someone to point me in the right direction.

I know this piece had had a lot of problems form the very beginning. Also please let me know if you need any comments to any of your work. I will do with alturism in mind. I'll edit it in my spare time. I feel a bit tired at the moment, but all the fixes will make it especially since you took your own time as you did as I lack this knowledge. Once again thanks and let me know anything else.