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Zer0
January 24th, 2011, 12:54 AM
here's a small part of the 2nd chapter of my first novel which i'm now calling Venus. (you'll find out why later). There's a lot of dialogue in this part which i'm looking at getting feedback on.

in this part, Jessica has promised Edward that she would have lunch with him. Edward fancies her quite a lot and always tries to take it further. Unknown to Edward, Jessica has the same feelings for him but doesn't make them known to anyone (not yet anyway ;) ).



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Jessica was edgy. It was 12:45pm. She’d arranged her lunch with Edward for 13:00pm. She was nervous. She’d dodged many bullets and missiles in the Middle East but now she was really scared. These nerves were different. They were first date nerves. This isn’t a date! We’re just colleagues eating lunch together! She kept telling herself that but in her mind she knew it was much more than that. She had hated boys all throughout her school days. Often getting into trouble for beating many of them up at lunchtimes. Jessica was one of the prettiest girls in her year at school. She had many admirers but all the boys knew she was a tough character. One day a particular boy made a grab for her as she walked past. She knocked out three of his teeth for doing so. Ironically, this time she wasn’t going to be beating up anyone. She paraded herself in front of her mirror. Nothing too fancy. He wasn’t that special after all. At least, not yet. Her door alarm rang out throughout the room. Who the hell? She walked over to the door and opened it slightly. The doors slid apart just a crack so she could poke an eye through. Edward was stood there, a big beaming smile across his face.


“Edward! What are you doing here!”


“I thought I would escort you to the mess hall…” Edward took a bow “My lady”.


“Eugh! You make me gag!...I said we could have lunch. Don’t you dare go mistaking this for a date!” She warned. Although she had to admit, He was looking his best she’d ever seen him. He’d obviously made an effort. Aw, he’s so sweet.


“Can I come in ?” Edward knew he was pushing his luck saying that.


“Over my dead body...Come on! Let’s get this over and done with” Jessica stepped through the door and punched in her password on the keypad to lock her quarters. Edward extended a hand to Jessica, willing her to take it.


“Pft! In your dreams boy” She refused, pushing away his hand.


“Wow…you touched me!” Edward said amazed, he gazed at his hand as if it was made of gold, then a grin grew wide on his face.
“Drop it…NOW” Edward understood, and carried on walking silently at the side of her.


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Let me know what you guys think. all criticism is welcome :D

Winterstorm
January 24th, 2011, 03:24 AM
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Edward was stood there, with a big beaming smile across his face.

“Edward! What are you doing here ?!”


I don't know what's p*ssing her off. But it makes the dialogue seem very unrealistic, or too extreme.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Above in red, I think needs to be cut, and the one's in blue are additions.

edit: second thought, the one's in green.

Tripp
January 24th, 2011, 04:27 AM
So Jessica clearly doesn't want to have lunch with Edward even though she arranged a time with him. I agree with winterstorm: I'm not quite sure why she's so upset at him. Is he coming on TOO strong, like grabbing her butt?

Zer0, read your dialogue again with a fresh mind and respond how the character would respond. Jessica sounds like a bad actress on a soap opera =S

Tripp

Zer0
January 24th, 2011, 07:31 AM
Hmm. I think it would help to read my first chapter. Everybody that has read that and then read this understands it perfectly. I think the first chapter introduces both the characters enough so that you can understand them better now.

Basically Jessica is a tough character with a reputation. However, she has feelings for Edward which she constantly denies. That's why she acts the way she does towards him, even though secretly, she DOES want to go to dinner with him.

I shouldn't have posted this without posting the 1st chapter first to be honest. Sorry peeps.