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Luckystars1987
January 21st, 2011, 09:00 PM
Here goes. Some of my writing. This was originally going to be chapter one but being a dream/flashback I have been thinking of incorporating it further into the story after introducing my main character. I would love people's thoughts on which would work best.

Any comments, critique or advice are greatly received. Don't worry about being harsh, i'm hard enough on myself, my little shoulders can take it.


The day is overcast, gray and bleak. Strong winds howl through the trees shaking them to their roots. No more can the happy tinkling laughter of small children be heard. The animals that used to saunter in and around the forests have fled to safer pastures. The tormented cries and screams echo through the rock lined valleys, even though it had long since calmed. Destruction lingers in the air. The bodies lay broken on the ground, streams of blood flow along the small stone pathways, merging into the once peaceful rivers that flow throughout the island. The waters now tainted, thrash against the rocks that block their routes to land. The small towns, so quaint and serene in days gone by lay blazing, homes and stores crack and collapse leaving piles of rubble. The usually peaceful island of Sereness Isle sat broken, defeated.

Hidden under the protective cover of the forest three young girls, Alumiya, Elementra and Velestrazsa sit hugging their knees to their chests so tightly as if they are struggling to hold themselves together. Their clothes are dirty and ripped from their escape, their small angel like faces are smudged with dirt. Their hiding place is a hollowed out tree trunk deep in the forest. They try so hard to block out the terrifying sounds that still reach them, invading their minds with such force that it threatens to tear them apart. Their innocent eyes, so white against their grubby faces are wide with fear searching the area ahead that is not obscured by the monstrous tree that they hope will protect them from unknown dangers. Whimpering and shaking the girls wonder what to do next but too terrified to speak or move they stay rooted, not knowing how much time has passed or what has happened. All they know is their mother told them to get out of the village, to run far and to not come back. They sit there in strained silence their minds working overtime.

After what seems like an eternity Elementra and Velestrazsa fall into a restless sleep the cries for help and screams for mercy still flitting around in their minds, sounds that pierce their hearts and will never fully leave them.

Alumiya the oldest of the three stays alert hoping to protect her sisters in some small way, knowing deep down that if their hiding place was discovered there would be nothing she could do. She sits there in the cold and dark, determination set in her petite shoulders peering out through the darkness trying to come up with a plan, holding on tightly to a small ray of hope that they will all be ok. She is so scared and struggles to grasp any rational thought the weight of her terror feels like it is going to crush her. The only thing certain right now is that she must somehow get her sisters out of this place.

A deep howling close by startles the girls awake, trying to stifle their whimpers and cries they huddle closer together, shrinking further back against the rough cold bark, which scratches at their delicate skin. Then the sound of footfalls in the forest reaches them, dry branches snapping, sounding like gunfire in the silent desolate woodland. Not knowing what to expect they hold their breath not daring to make a sound in case they are discovered, feeling sure that this was it, that this was the end.

The moons glow was bright enough so that they could make out many shadows marching through the forest. Some towered over the rest, their outlines darker, the edges blurred and shifted as they moved.

“Keep walking wenches” commanded a raspy voice reminding them of the crackle of dry leaves on the ground.

A woman with a strong voice bit back a response through gritted teeth “You will suffer for this vermin”

A sudden high pitched whistling sound followed by a sharp snap reached them. Tears filled their eyes as they heard the woman cry out in pain. Abrupt hoarse laughter filled the forest, whoever these vicious men were the girls now knew there was many of them scattering the area, more than they could see.

“No, my dear, you will suffer. You will learn not to disrespect the new rulers of this world so openly!”

The girls could only hear the brutal exchange but their hearts broke into tiny pieces on hearing the woman’s voice. They would know that voice anywhere it was a voice they loved, it was their mother. The overwhelming urge to run to her consumed them, her last words the only thing keeping them in place. “Stay hidden, no matter what”

The footsteps passed and faded, silence crept in around them like something tangible trying to suffocate them, their racing heartbeats seemed so loud, like they could be heard from miles away.

When the girls were sure they were alone they reluctantly left the safety of the tree and together they ran.

They ran far from the pain, the fear and the uncertainty. They ran to the harbour.

EEEK Scary!! Been fighting with myself to push submit. I hope it's not the biggest piece of rubbish you have ever laid eyes on.
I do hope some enjoy it, I know there is not much to go by.

Thank you :)

Bucky24
January 22nd, 2011, 02:10 AM
I'm not entirely certain what the title has to do with any of this, but aside from that, it's certainly intriguing.

Luckystars1987
January 22nd, 2011, 01:48 PM
The title choice will become clear :) thank you for commenting Bucky

Tripp
January 23rd, 2011, 11:16 PM
Hey Luckystars, it's good. Intriguing. I'd like to read more to see what unfolds, or to see what happened. But perhaps, what happened doesn't have to be mentioned if it's not important to the story. I like the descriptive writing, particularly the innocence of the girls. Well done! :D
Tripp

Luckystars1987
January 24th, 2011, 12:13 AM
Thank you Tripp :)
As I said in my other post, i'm thinking of re-jigging things around. I don't know if I want this as my starting point anymore. I am working on more and will hopefully get something else posted and see if anyone can give me any advice if i'm going wrong somewhere.
I will still include this piece as it plays a big part in the book.
Thank you very much for your comments :)