PDA

View Full Version : A punch too far (Language Warning)



DanielF
January 20th, 2011, 08:17 PM
As soon as I walked out of the club I thought, "Shit, I don't like the look of this." There were four big guys hanging around, drunk as anything and looking for a fight.

"Hey, faggot," roared one as I made my way to the taxi ramp. Shit. They'd noticed me. I carried on anyway. I could feel myself walking faster and faster to get to the row of cabs.

Hell, I had had a few to drink myself, but I can tell you I was sobering up pretty damn quick.
They were following me.
"Prettyboy?"

Hell, they can't be talking to me can they? I mean, to be honest, I'm no such thing. My face is a bit mashed up and I've got a scar slashed down the side of it.
"I'm talkin' to you..."

I didn't look at the guy, but I knew who had spoken. He was the taller out of the four. Tall and big with it. You sometimes find with taller guys that they are as thin as a twig, but this guy looked like he had been hitting the weights pretty bad over the last year.

My hands were shaking all right. I was almost cacking myself too. I didn't want any confrontation. I just wanted to go home.

But then they surrounded me from all sides, blocking off my exits. The big one, obviously the leader of the gang, leant forward into my face and sneered. "You lookin' at me faggot?"

I didn't answer. I looked at the ground and just prayed they would back off.
"Listen, guys, I don't want any trouble, yeah? I just want to go home." I knew it didn't matter what the hell I said. These guys weren't going anywhere.
"Well maybe we wanna go home with yeah. Shag your wife while you just watch. Like that, yeah?"
"Just back off pal." No one talks about Jane like that.

The man on my right laughed. "We'll take it in turns. All four of us will have a go, and you know what. Maybe we'll even let you have a turn."

I could feel anger rise inside me. I had only gone out tonight to let off some steam. Things were pretty damn bad at home, what with Jane's cancer and all. I just wanted to get out and get pissed out of my head.
She's in a bad way, and it's the only way I thought I could cope.

I was expecting it, but the force of the hit to my stomach sent me rolling to the ground. The big guy bent down and smached his fist into the side of my head. I almost blacked out, but I managed to stay
conscious.

The kick to my ribs sent pain crashing through me, but I was getting to my feet.
"Whatever happens, don't let anyone get on you on the ground - you're fucked if you do," I remembered the Regiment's Special Forces Instructor tell me once.

The next kick was aimed for my groin, but I parried it before it connected and with a sudden burst of energy I lunged forward and smashed my palm into one of the guy's jaw. He reeled back and was out of it completely. The three men stopped for just a second - hesitation. I swung my arm back and rocked forward with my hips, smacking my elbow into the side of the other blokes face. He went down. Hard.

Speed. Aggression. Surprise. That's what I was taught. It's all I knew. I threw my leg into the groin of the second bloke left standing. He doubled over and I slammed by fist into his skull.

Now it was only the big guy that was left. "You little shit," he said, but it was all I needed. He had lowered his guard just that little bit and with all my might I slammed my palm into his nose. My momentum
carried me forward. It was a sweet strike and I had felt his nose just crumple under the force. But I knew when he landed something was wrong. The smack of his head against the pavement was one of the most sickening noises I had ever heard. He died in hospital.

When the police finally showed up I was wrestled to the floor like I was a common murderer.
"We're placing you under arrest..."

Yeah whatever. My lawyer says my chances are ok. I did what I had to do to survive. It was just that I had killed a man and seriously injured
three others to do it. The fact that I have been trained to kill is what might go against me. I can only hope that the justice system works -

I'm in the shit if it doesn't. And Jane is only getting worse.

garza
January 20th, 2011, 08:40 PM
Somehow, and I'm not sure at exactly what point, you telegraphed the ending near the start. You might want to go over the first dozen lines and see if there is anything obvious. This could be my reaction because I've seen this situation happen in real life. It may be that no one else will notice. Otherwise, well written.

Ceremony
January 21st, 2011, 12:21 AM
It was a pretty good read and judging from what you've written the story will go on. I feel like it was way to fast paced for the very beginning to have a whole law and order trial to happen in the next chapter. Why not describe him calling the cops or running away because that part isn't clear at all. Don't cut corners.

However I did get emotionally into to it. I'd be pissed as hell if anyone said that stuff about my girlfriend! but winning and killing him... Great success, i kinda felt satisfied when he hit the ground!! lol. And at the same time i got into the part about how he needed to pay for something he was doing in self defense, from just that one page I'm emotionally attached to the character and want him to not go to jail.

Good job overall, but like garza said it was telegraphed at the end and i feel like i'd like it more if you describe everything a little bit more, but thats just me. :thumbl:

WillWorks
January 21st, 2011, 05:14 AM
Very good, I like where its going, the character in the story sure has a lot to say. Great detail. I'd be nice to see more.

Bilston Blue
January 21st, 2011, 08:18 PM
[SIZE=3[SIZE=3]
I had only gone out tonight to let off some steam.

With reference to what Garza said, about telegraphing the ending, this is the point where I knew what would happen. If the story then follows subsequent events I wouldn't see this as a problem; if you want to surprise the reader then you need to look at this again.

I like the outcome though, who wouldn't, and as Ceremony said, there is an empathy with the lead character.

Scott.

walgurl
January 21st, 2011, 08:40 PM
I would have liked a little more sense of location to understand why these characters are so isolated. Was it late night night or really early morning? Is it foul weather? It's in a city so is it an upper class neighborhood or lower class?

I liked the eternal dialogue of the character and the insight it gave into him but with the ending the only thing I thought of was the movie "Con Air." The opening of that movie is very similar to this piece.