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Dustin Augustine DeMille
January 20th, 2011, 06:35 PM
This is an excerpt from "Delivery Driver" which is available on Amazon Kindle. You can check out the site and download it to your PC. Tell me what you think...

Chapter 24: Healthy Bodies

Jason was very health-oriented and took great care of his body. He jogged, rode his bicycle, and lifted weights at the gym. He generally ate low-fat foods, but he sometimes gave into temptation at Pleasure Pizza and ate the food there; they got so many delicious free pizzas, they were hard to pass up. He didnt smoke or do drugs and only drank in moderation. Hence, he was very physically fit and attractive, and women found him very appealing.
Jason had a double one day. The first order was going to the Fit & Firm Health Club, where he regularly worked out. Apparently, they were having some sort of special party and ordered eight large pizzas. He wondered why a place known for promoting health and fitness was purchasing so many fattening pizzas. Pizza was about the most fattening, unhealthy food on Earth. It was loaded with calories, carbohydrates, and fat. The dough, the cheese, the meats all of it was so bad for you; perhaps thats why it tasted so good. Pizza was sort of a guilty pleasure. Eat enough of it, and youll look like Max, who weighed over four hundred and had frequent bad back problems. Jason liked Max, though he knew hed be lucky to live to forty.
Jason arrived at the Fit & Firm Health Club with the big order. The club serviced an upscale clientele; professional men and women would come there to exercise after work. There were many people there, lifting weights, doing sit-ups, using the elliptical, and jogging on the treadmill. Dance music blasted from the gyms speakers Eifel 65s Move Your Body. Other local restaurants had set up tables and were promoting their food, giving away samples of tasty treats such as Southwestern Chicken Wraps. He spotted some gorgeous women working on their tight bodies. Jason loved going to the health club, because it gave him a chance to meet classy women, though he never told them where he worked. He brought the pizzas up to the front, where the very pretty check-in girl, Laura, immediately recognized him.
Jason, good to see you. I didnt know you worked at Pleasure Pizza, she said.
Yes, I am doing this to make money, while I search for a business job, he said, feeling a little embarassed.
Oh, well good luck with that.
Ive got eight pizzas for you two pepperoni, two cheese, two meat-lovers, and two vegis. Laura signed the credit card receipt, tipping Jason ten dollars. I dont see how these people can work out and eat junk food at the same time.
Well, were having a special event tonight, and most of them eat after they work out. Its actually good to eat fattening food after lifting weights, cuz it builds muscle.
Thats true.
Jason laid the eight pizzas out on the table for them, along with some plates and napkins. He glanced about the place once more, scoping it out for hot girls. He recognized a few of them; not wanting to be seen in his silly uniform, he thanked Laura and quickly exited the gym.
Jasons next order was a large pepperoni and tomatoes going to the Good Hope Hospital. It was impossible for him to find a parking spot in the packed parking lot, so he just pulled up to the ER and parked in the ambulance spot. Jason walked into the ER; he saw many sad cases of unhealthy bodies there. One man was holding his broken arm, grimacing in pain; an obese old woman sat alone with a sad look on her face; a young man was holding his side, bleeding, probably the victim of a stabbing or gunshot. He heard crying children and screams of agony from the back room. Jason felt sympathy for all these ill people.
He went up to the nurse on duty, Ive got a pizza going to room 420.
Youre in the ER. You need to go the new patient wing on the other side of the hospital. You see those double doors? Go though there. Follow the hallway all the way down to the end, then take a right. Then follow that hallway down til you see some more double doors. Go through the double doors and go down a ways. Take your fourth right and follow that down. The elevators will be on the left. Take the elevator to the fourth floor. Tell the nurse there, youve got an order going to room 420.
Jason tried to remember all that, but he got lost along the way, and had to stop and ask for directions. Finally, he made it to the elevators. He rode up with some smug physicians who were bragging about their fancy cars, swimming pools, and hot dates they had last weekend. They were also discussing a patients case, using medical terminology that he didnt really understand. Those damn rich doctors got all the money and all the pussy, he thought.
He found room 420 and went inside. A very sick old man was lying back in the bed, with various tubes in his arm. Ive got a pizza for you sir, said Jason.
Thank you, the man said in a weak, raspy voice, Just put it down over there. Ill eat some of it later. Now, Im just trying to rest a bit. Theres the money for you. Just keep it. Jason picked up three fives for the $12.52 order.
So whats the matter with you?
Ive got lung cancer. They got me on all sorts of meds, chemotherapy, and radiation treatments three times a day.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you get better.
The doctor said I need to eat as much as I can to regain my strength. But with my chemo, Im so sick all the time, I dont feel much like eating.
I see.
I smoked cigarettes for fifty years, two packs a Marlboros a day. I tried to quit a few times, but I always end up smoking them again. You smoke?
I did a little when I was a teenager.
Well, dont touch those things again. Cuz, its very hard to quit, and the damn tobacco company wants to hook you for life
Whats your prognosis?
Doctor said with treatment, I might live another year or two. But my quality of life isnt what it used to be. I was in the navy for forty years. Now, I dont do much; I just sit here and read and watch TV. But Ive lived a long life. Ive seen a lot of history. Im seventy-two now. Got three kids and four grandkids. They come by and visit me sometimes.
Thats good at least.
Son, let me give you some advice. You seem like a nice young man. Cherish every day, because you dont know if it will be your last. Make the most of your life. And always respect your family, cuz theyre always be there for you, after other people have moved on.
Thanks for the advice sir. Ill try to remember that.
Now you go take care of yourself.
You too sir.
Jason left the room and began walking back to his car, thinking of the old man and feeling sorry for him. He realized how lucky he was to have a healthy body, to be able to walk, exercise, and work. He might have his problems, but at least he was alive, had a job, and was in good health. Still, any day could be his last. He could be hit by a car and instantly killed. Jason began to appreciate more how precious life was. He felt a little happier and a little wiser.

wron
January 24th, 2011, 11:43 AM
The writing is good; it's hard to critique a chapter on content, and I'm not sure what sort of critique you want on a published work, but here goes:

In the first pizza delivery, it seems like Jason gives up his elaborately-made point on the bad things about eating pizza a little too easily when he is corrected by Laura; he could at least think, "Oh well, there goes my theory" or something.

The second pizza delivery comes off like a mini-morality play at the end - seems like the "lesson" learned by Jason could use a little comic relief, like finding out his car has been towed from the ambulance spot just when he was feeling happier and wiser (I'm assuming this is the entire chapter).