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View Full Version : The waiting game



Rina Irina
January 20th, 2011, 04:48 PM
Hi! I'm posting below a fragment from a, hopefully soon to be, first novel. I'm very much determined to go through with this one, as in the last three years i have been starting and giving up novels on a regular basis. Mostly because of my stubbornness to write in English, which is not my native language, far from it. It's hard for me to state for certain what type of novel this is going to be, the end is still uncertain, but it's a love story, or is it? 8)


Sometimes, even now, I still wonder where things would be, where would I be, if I hadnt said yes to him, yes to the utopian future we decided we would share at some point in time, yes to an endless waiting game.

My mind was tired, beyond tired of waiting, hoping and weaving a silent reality in which each thread would be about him, about all of him, in his greatness and at his worse, in his beauty and in his anguish.

I could blame it on my age, say that it was the mistake of a young mind in a search for that perfect love story, the ones they talk about in movies or books, the one lucky few get to experience, but I wont

I was happy. I was turning into what my parents always wanted me to be, that didnt mean it was something I wanted. Still, I was happy. The friends I made at the beginning of this college were just what I needed after the hard break-up I had with another high school life, filled with good and bad, mostly bad, but I couldnt complain. Bad seemed to have a sweet ironic taste.

The secrets I learned from her, about her, about things I shouldnt have tampered with have changed my life and helped my mind grow, helped me explore possibilities some never even dream about in their entire existence, and I had them all, in within the reach of me. I still cringe when I think about her. I miss her. I know I shouldnt, but I do. I sometimes miss the old me too.

I gazed in the mirror in front of me and I was surprised to realize there was a stranger looking back curiously at me from beyond the pale reflection. Sadness was covering all expressions but somehow the eyes were filled with love, with hope and above all else, with patience. Patience The game was on.


Thank you for taking the time to read this, and i'm open to any type of critics, including grammar pointers. :flower:

Mike
January 21st, 2011, 11:46 AM
The first thing I suggest you do is to write this in present tense. It works far better for its ability to distinguish between what your character "is" and the list of things your character "was."

Also, you really need to expand on a lot of things here. You need to fill the story out. Right now, it's like a summary. For example: "The secrets I learned from her, about her, about things I shouldn't have tampered with have changed my life...." Here, we do not know what secrets the MC has learned, nor do we know in what way they have changed the MC's life.

One of the things that I do like here is the constant use of run-on sentences, courtesy of all your commas. Don't overdo it, but keep it in mind as you write.

Finally, give your story a setting. The reflection in the mirror mechanic is classic (albeit a bit cliche), but it really doesn't describe much around the MC. You can use a lot of setting descriptions to give not only physical background to your story, but emotional background as well. What can you assume of a person, having never met, if you see his or her room and notice clothes thrown about the floor, indecipherable writing smudged across the windowpane, an empty bottle of vodka next to the bed?

Rina Irina
January 22nd, 2011, 01:24 AM
Hey Mike, thanks for the reply, the comment you made about the setting was an eye opener. I've been paying attention to the surroundings but i've used more technical details, like a fabrication date, a street name etc.
That fragment i posted is meant to be the preface, and i wanted it to be a bit confusing and ambiguous, hope i didn't over do it.
Thanks again.

Heathensx3
March 16th, 2011, 08:10 PM
"Sometimes, even now, I still wonder where things would be, where would I be, if I hadn’t said yes to him, yes to the utopian future we decided we would share at some point in time, yes to an endless waiting game.

My mind was tired, beyond tired of waiting, hoping and weaving a silent reality in which each thread would be about him, about all of him, in his greatness and at his worse, in his beauty and in his anguish.

I could blame it on my age, say that it was the mistake of a young mind in a search for that perfect love story, the ones they talk about in movies or books, the one lucky few get to experience, but I won’t… "

This seems like a good preface to me.

I agree with Mike in that we need more detail to let us know immediately a little bit about what is going on. Otherwise, I feel lost. It's a good start, but without more details or explanations, the story is kind of floundering.

And lastly, you might find it helpful to write first in your native language, and then translate to English. I think you are doing quite well, but going from my own experiences, I think faster than I can type or write. So I can't imagine trying to keep up with the words AND trying to translate them into a foreign language. Just a thought.

I hope this helps and makes a little bit of sense to you, Amanda

authorkid94
August 27th, 2012, 11:44 PM
I'm already hooked. This is so good. I haven't been able to find much reading material that was interesting lately, but this really captivated me. I'd definitely read the novel.

Geri
September 26th, 2012, 06:57 PM
Firstly, let me say I enjoyed this, you have a good command of the English language. However, in my humble opinion, I find it difficult to connect with the MC, it reads like stream of consciousness, which would be fine, if we knew a small bit more about the character, perhaps a little background before we get into their thoughts and feelings, so deeply. I like your sentences, the structure of them works well, just watch for overly long sentences EXAMPLE- The secrets I learned from her, about her, about things I shouldn’t have tampered with have changed my life and helped my mind grow, helped me explore possibilities some never even dream about in their entire existence, and I had them all, in within the reach of me.
I can see the potential in this piece , keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more!!!

gaunledream
October 5th, 2012, 07:25 PM
The first thing I suggest you do is to write this in present tense. It works far better for its ability to distinguish between what your character "is" and the list of things your character "was."

Also, you really need to expand on a lot of things here. You need to fill the story out. Right now, it's like a summary. For example: "The secrets I learned from her, about her, about things I shouldn't have tampered with have changed my life...." Here, we do not know what secrets the MC has learned, nor do we know in what way they have changed the MC's life.

One of the things that I do like here is the constant use of run-on sentences, courtesy of all your commas. Don't overdo it, but keep it in mind as you write.

Finally, give your story a setting. The reflection in the mirror mechanic is classic (albeit a bit cliche), but it really doesn't describe much around the MC. You can use a lot of setting descriptions to give not only physical background to your story, but emotional background as well. What can you assume of a person, having never met, if you see his or her room and notice clothes thrown about the floor, indecipherable writing smudged across the windowpane, an empty bottle of vodka next to the bed?
As a wannabe writer, I have to say that I learnt something as well :) Thanks Mike :)

stellar
October 10th, 2012, 12:49 AM
Very cool first paragraphs! The words string together nicely and have great potential to make some visual imagery. Like many on here I'm also troubled by that one part...




The secrets I learned from her, about her, about things I shouldnt have tampered with have changed my life and helped my mind grow, helped me explore possibilities some never even dream about in their entire existence, and I had them all, in within the reach of me. I still cringe when I think about her. I miss her. I know I shouldnt, but I do. I sometimes miss the old me too.



I also write sort of vague like that every now and then, so I hope I can guesstimate what you're going for with that quote.

I believe your writing wants to allude to some future events for your character and you want to prepare the reader for the twists and turns that are coming up, sort of like hearing the clicking of the gears on a rising incline of a roller coaster. Allusion in writing is great because you want to make the reader interested as quickly as possible and there is plenty of time in writing to bring about the big reveal.

Certain subjects like 'secrets', 'mind', 'possibilities', 'life', 'entire existence' all reference very vague ideas, which I feel are too many vague ideas packed into those sentences. As I read I become confused because there are too many unknown ideas to keep track of all at once. My best suggestion is to space out your ideas into more sentences.

Here I rewrote those lines without changing too much except the order and a couple of 'ands'. It might be different from your original idea, so my version is probably in need of even more fixing than your original.

I still cringe when I think about her. I miss her. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I sometimes miss the old me too. The secrets I learned from her- about her and about things I shouldn't have tampered with- they have changed my life. Because of them my mind has grown and I have explored possibilities some people never even dream about in their entire existence. And I had them all within my reach.

What I would do is focus on the "her" of the story with a little more detail and fewer vague words all at once. If we could break up those vague words some more, they will be more easy to digest.

JulienLeMchant
October 25th, 2012, 07:38 PM
Saddness looks being over all in this text, right ? As I understood, this is a broken heart's story and it's very moving : you take us by the emotionnal string !
But I have to say it's been very hard for me reading at the moment of reading your of the italic writting ~~" But that's good !

mrs.mcphilia
October 25th, 2012, 08:26 PM
This story has great potentional!

But I agree with the comments before: a little bit more trivial details: like how the surroundings look and the physical details of the MC. Other then that I think you have quite creative writing skills. Keep it up : ) I hope to see more <3

Cirse
November 9th, 2012, 07:37 AM
I really liked the first two paragraphs. The internal dialogue is great. The second two paragraphs jarred me a bit. At first I thought you jumped to the guy's pov. Perhaps add a sentence to the second paragraph before moving on to the third to tie it in a bit better? I also agree with adding a bit to the setting. To me this could work well in a car, The MC taking a long drive. Or is she in her room? I would definitely read more, though.

C