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View Full Version : short story: which version is best?



kay hall
January 20th, 2011, 02:39 AM
Same story written differently. Which is better? Version one:
Prolouge: my dad george hunter is whom people would call old timer or an old soul. He still believes in arrange marrages to ensure his daughter's future. I believe he believes women should obey their husbands like a puppy would its owner and women should be seen and not heard unless spolen to. I loved my dad, when I was a child I was daddys little girl but now everything has changed. Most days I I hate him, his beliefs and making me do the one thing I'm not ready for and don't want...... a husband.
"Dad, please I don't want to get married. Not today, tomorrow, three months or three years from now." Julia pleded with her father "its 2008, the twenty first centuary. Please accept the times as it it no arrange marrages"
You've become an ungratful child, and too open with your thoughts for my liking." Replied her father george. " I've allowed you to get away with way a lot and you appreciate nothing, just like your mother."
Julia thought about the last time she saw her mom susan. Her mother decided to devorce, she too had enough of george's ways. When julia was seven she remembered her mom crying as susan bent down to give julia a kiss on the cheek and hugged her tightly while george watched a few feet away watching.
"Mommy loves you always. I'm going away for a little while but I will always love you remember that."
As susan was preparing to stand she whispered quickly in julia's ear.
I'll never forget you, I'll be back, I promise."
Now 17 julia haven't seen her mom since and george refuse to talk about her.
"Why didn't mom come back?" Demanded julia "what did you do to her?"
"I've had enough of your questions get out of my sight" said george
"No" julia yelled. "Tell me, you never tell me anything about why she didn't come back as she promised" said julia.

Version 2:
Malcom and I were talking on my bed in my room while our dad were speaking in the living room about the marrage arrangement they had planned since our birth
"This is stupid, their crazy if they think I'm going to marry you." Julia said to malcom who was starring out her bedroom window.
"Yeah, well seems like we don't have a say in the matter... pretty much a done deal, I'm tired of having the same conversation evrytime." replied malcom looking at julia.
"Done deal? I think not and I'm tired of this whole thing who are they to dictate my life or who I marry and why are you giving in so easily... I feel like I'm in a damn cult."
"What am I suppose to do julia?" Asked malcom. "If I don't go through with it my dad's going to cut me out of his will and I won't have a cent to my name."
"You money hungry leech, you want money get a job." Julia scoulded. " your the only one who can stop this... your dad is really forcing you and they won't listen to me, please say somthing."
"Sorry can't help you." Malcom said flatly. "I'm sure you'll think of somthing, but I'm not going to be apart of it."
"You ba--"
"Julia" george called from the living room cutting her off.
Rolling her eyes she loked at malcom with disguest before walking out of the room into the living room with malcom behind her. In the living room julia's dad george stood in the middle of the room with is arms folded over his chest.
"Great news, we finally decided on the date." Said george looking over at mr. Henderson who sat quietly on the couch. "With the mess going on with your mother it's taken a while but everything is in order."
My mom susan had left us when I was seven, she had enough of my dad's babarric ways. She tried to stick it out for me, so she says, but couldn't handle it but promised me she would come back for me. Eight years has past and I haven't seen her since. Now I'm fifteen living with my dilousional father and being forced to marry someone I don't love and partically don't like. I haven't seen my mother but I've heard my dad speaking with his lawyers, somthing about custoy I figured she was trying to get me back, I had little hope but I knew better my dad is rich he could buy himself through anything.
"Good news for who?" I asked. "I told you I'm not getting married, not to him or anyone."
For a moment the room fell silent till georged said
"You ungratful child. I'm working to ensure your future, to make sure your well taken care of and you have the ordassity to complain?" "Out" he bellowed.

Zer0
January 20th, 2011, 12:43 PM
I think both versions are good. The first version explains about her father more and the troubles in the family, whereas, the second version has more dialogue in it. Also the end of the first version makes me want to know what the father has done to her mum. If i had to choose i'd say the 1st version. Theres a lot of typo's and spelling mistakes that need clearing up but overall its quite good :)

forester75
January 21st, 2011, 04:49 AM
I definitely prefer the second version, Kay, because the speakers tell the story. Be sure to have a couple of friends proofread and edit it/them for you before you submit. Interesting work.