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Ceremony
January 19th, 2011, 08:00 PM
Please Critique this and tell me what you think!





It was cold and frigid, but the fire kept Jathas warm and cozy. He closed his eyes in his bed and fantasized about what his future and his life awaited him. He pictured himself joining the Imperial Freemen Army and becoming a soldier. He would storm in to battle with a claymore against whatever threat there was to the Empire. He would travel the known world and help ensure peace to all of its citizens. But he could also take a different route than being a soldier. It was less glorious, however on the bright side it was less dangerous. Being a merchant did have its ups too; have wealth, power, and of course women. The possibilities seemed endless for this young man taking his first footsteps into life.



The fire crackled as Jathas opened his eyes from his fantasies. Above the fire were his trophies; three sets of deer antlers and the skull of a bear whose pelt he was using as a blanket. He greatly admired his own accomplishments and also the fact that he had his own cabin to live in, but something was different.


The fire stopped burning abruptly, as if water was poured over it, and there was a strange blue hue to the room. Light entered the room from his window, as if it was dawn and the sun was about to rise over the mountains that surrounded his village.
He looked around the room as there wasnít a sound. His heart then jumped at the sight o his younger sister looking through his window. Her face was as pale as a ghost and her lips were white. Her blue eyes pierced his as she stared blankly at him; she showed no emotion.
He jumped out of his bed and ran to the window and yelled, ďAelita what are you doing out there? Itís freezing! Aelita?!Ē


She didnít respond and she retained her blank face. He started to walk towards his door that lead out into the snow but as he turned back to her many hands grabbed her by the hair, neck, and shoulders. Their arms were rotted as flesh and bone were visible, and in a split second they pulled her below the window, out of sight.


Jathas ran outside in shock, looking to save his younger sister, but there was nothing outside his cabin window. There were no footprints in the snow and no sign of where Aelita should have been.


He screamed her name but it only echoed off the hills. Then he screamed even more when he noticed his own flesh rotting away like the arms and hands he saw. As he decayed into bones, he awoke from his nightmare.

Luckystars1987
January 19th, 2011, 08:34 PM
He closed his eyes in his bed and fantasized about what his future and his life awaited him. This seems a little awkward, maybe reword it - Resting on his bed he closed his eyes?

The fire stopped burning abruptly, as if water was poured over it, and there was a strange blue hue to the room. Light entered the room from his window, as if it was dawn and the sun was about to rise over the mountains that surrounded his village.
He looked around the room as there wasn’t a sound. You use the word room too much here. Also if water was thrown over the fire wouldn't it crackle and hiss? So maybe add the fire hissed and a plume of smoke drifted to the ceiling and abrubtly stopped burning, as if water had been poured over it?

It's ok though is this the first chapter or does this fit elsewhere?

I like the description in it though, and would like to read more. I would like to know more about Jathas, why he is so proud of his accomplishments etc :)

This is just my opinion, others may think differently

Ceremony
January 19th, 2011, 08:39 PM
It is a quarter of the first chapter, the very beginning. And thank you for the critique i appreciate your feedback. I'll post more later tonight :D

Luckystars1987
January 19th, 2011, 08:45 PM
Great i'll read more when you post it :D

Adeline Addison
January 19th, 2011, 09:20 PM
I'm not so much good at grammer/word placement critiqing, and it looks like you got some help on that already, anyway.

I like this. A lot. I see a million places this could go but it definately catches interest/attention. You have a good simple protagonist with strong potential for growth in a variety of directions, an emotional stake in the story to help drive it along, and a couple mysteries- his nightmare and what it could mean and all that jazz.

I really look forward to seeing what you do with this.

walgurl
January 19th, 2011, 11:30 PM
Very visually stimulating at the end, zombies/ghosts are so much fun to write and read b/c no one author does them exactly the same way. I can never really critque grammer but I think another poster made a comment on that already.

The one thought I kept having was I couldn't really picture the real Jathas in my mind yet. you described his surroundings and his ambitions in great detail but it was hard for me to focus on those b/c I was tring to figure out in my own mind what this guy looks like. Maybe you cover that in the next paragraph but it just took away from the experience slightly.

Good, solid start though. Good luck with it.

Ceremony
January 20th, 2011, 02:51 AM
He sat up in his bed instantly and looked around his cabin to notice if anything was like in his nightmare. The fire was dying and barely alive, it crackled as hot embers burst out towards the floor but only to be stopped by the tightly chain linked net that was in front of the fireplace. He was sweating as he looked to the window; his sister wasn’t there. It was flurring outside and the morning’s sun light made its way into the cabin.



It was strange that it could be sunny and flurrying out at the same time. But, If there was a green sky out that would mean a new dawn or new life somewhere in the world, according to his Nordic religion.



As he got out of bed he whispered to himself, “It was only a dream.”



He wiped the sweat off his brow and pulled on his fur leggings and then boots… it was time to hunt. Jathas having only four kills since he acquired his own home, it was traditional for him to hunt with his father, until he got his fifth kill.


He rolled his eyes at the thought of being babied but Jathas tried to be optimistic and told himself that whatever they caught would be easier to take back with an extra pair of hands.


He looked down at the bear fur hat he was holding. That bear was his OWN kill, even if his father was there. If it wasn’t for him when they encountered it, his father would’ve certainly been dead. No matter what the other Nords thought, no one was going to tell him otherwise. Heck, even his Clan’s Chief declared it was his kill, and not his father’s.



He remembered removing the head and fur to make this wearable trophy. It took many days to tan it and integrate the jaw and the skull together, and luckily the bears head was big enough to fit over his.



He put it on and felt pride. As the slayer of the bear his kill’s spirit was inside of him, according to his Chief.


He grabbed his bow and quivers from the table and stepped outside into the snowy village. He immediately looked up at the sky to see if it was green… it was.







Yeah I understand completely where you're coming from walgurl. I kept trying to get his look down in my head but i kept changing things around to try and make it pefect. One minute i say, i should make him with brown eyes and brown hair, then the next minute I ditch that idea for blonde hair and blue eyes. However i do have a complete picture what he will look like in the future, because lets just say he will change. But before I write anymore, I will figure out his apperance then throw it in there.

and thank you everyone for the awesome feedback!