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View Full Version : Reprisal:A Political Thriller:By R.E.Craig - Warning: Some Language



Richard.E.Craig
January 19th, 2011, 03:01 PM
Morrison drained the last mouthful of beer from the can , then tossed its crushed remains into the rear of the stolen Ford Capri . The clock on the dash read 11.05 pm , ten minuets fast by the Timex on Morrison's wrist . In five minuets a black London taxi would pull up outside Major Langford's Kensington apartment and take him to the U.S. Embassy in Mayfair . Or that was at least Langford's plan . But Langford could not have foreseen his death which lay only minuets ahead ! Morrison released the safety on his AK47 compact and lowered the drivers window as he saw the black taxi pull up outside Langford's apartment and blast its horn . As Langford approached the front door a huge explosion rocked the street sending him flying backwards down n the hallway ! " What the fuck ?" Langford said to himself as he picked himself up from the hallway floor , his ears ringing . He walked towards the shattered front door which was now hanging by a single hinge . " Jesus Christ ! " said Langford as he stepped out of his apartment and onto the devastated road . A little way up the street he saw the twisted and blazing remains of a Ford Capri lying on its back . The force of the blast had shattered every window on the street, curtains fluttering like ragged flags . Car alarms rang in a cacophony of confusion among the screams and moans of passers-by . Langford made for his hall and lifted the receiver on his phone . It was then that he heard it ...the familiar sound he had heard so many times before . It was the slide of an automatic pistol being drawn and released with a ' snapping ' metallic thud . The snaffled retort of a small calibre pistol rang out in the hallway , Langford falling to the floor dead...the killer picked up the spent cartridge and calmly walked out the door and onto the street . He quietly drove off in the black taxi cab he had arrived in ! .

Olly Buckle
January 19th, 2011, 03:54 PM
It's the spellings that don't show on spell check that get us, only a composer would die after five minuets, and " It was then that he heart it"

Richard.E.Craig
January 19th, 2011, 05:08 PM
Thanks Olly, I always try to correct as I am writing. I still however miss plenty of errors.
Regards Richard

oarfish
January 19th, 2011, 11:03 PM
Interesting, although I find that using exclamation marks makes writing seem less serious.

Olly Buckle
January 20th, 2011, 01:05 AM
No worries, I can read something five times and only spot an obvious error on the sixth read, we all do it.

This caught me.
A little way up the street a twisted and smouldering Ford Capri lay burning on its back . The force of the blast had blown all the windows in
The punctuation should make it obvious it is not the capri's windows, but I would say something like "Up and down the street windows were blown in by the force of the blast and curtains flapped ...
Also, and I have no idea why, that the car lay on its back burning, rather than burning on its back. Looking at it as I wrote it I think it is because it's like "There is a burning on my back" (and nowhere else).

Richard.E.Craig
January 20th, 2011, 11:27 AM
Thanks again Olly, I have made an effort on improving the readability and rearranged the composition as you pointed out.
Regards Richard

PMB
April 17th, 2012, 09:16 AM
Good start tough. I was wondering about the capri on it back (roof?) though. A blast great enough to do such, would probably have obliterated the thing completely, which would certainly explain the blown out windows of the houses on the street, left with their cutains flapping in the cold, night wind.

qwertyman
April 17th, 2012, 12:20 PM
Yes, quite gripping - a couple of points.

Apartments don’t normally have front doors directly onto the street. I suggest qualifying or changing it.

Why didn’t the black cab get affected by the blast?

‘Langford falling to the floor dead…’ This is present tense.

‘He quietly drove off in the black taxi cab he had arrived in ! .’ Consider using another word to ‘quietly’ or dropping altogether; London cabs emit a noisy diesel-engined, clatter.

I agree about the exclamation marks, as a general guide they are only used in dialogue. In narration you’re supposed to do without any assistance.

FrederickS
July 26th, 2012, 09:12 AM
So who is the MC here? The only people mentioned die. If Langford's killer is the MC, I would name him and just refer to Morrison as "the killer" or something.

hawky94
July 29th, 2012, 02:31 AM
I do like this... it seems as though it should fit into the opening sequences of some sort of film, and would certainly work well maybe as a prologue? But, as others have said, I am confused as to who the main character is.

Although your description is great, I'm lost as to where the AK47 went? You speak of it in the beginning, and then it is replaced with a pistol?

Another point, if the Ford Capri exploded, then the windows were blown out... if Major Langford was standing directly in the doorway when the windows were blown to smithereens, he would certainly be caught by the fragments of glass flying everywhere. You could add the description of his cuts and bruises, perhaps he has several deep lacerations and is crawling on his hands and knees, trying desperately to reach his phone in the hallway, before he bleeds out.

All in all, very well written and certainly one that I would enjoy seeing more of. Definitely up my alley, this one. Well done.

hawky94
July 29th, 2012, 02:35 AM
In another side note, I saw the tag 'IRA'... I must say, this certainly fits the IRA M.O. It is obvious that you've researched this well. Once again, my applause on a job well done.:thumbr:

Vapour
July 29th, 2012, 02:38 AM
I just noticed a little typo here: "...ten minuets fast by the Timex..."