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guilt
January 17th, 2011, 06:48 PM
Warning: This chapter contains some biblical characters. You've been warned.

Chapter 7: Hero's awakening

Up in Heaven, there was a person wearing a white cloak, with a hood disguising his face. He knocked on the two, huge oak doors that lay in front of him, and walked inside. The doors open up and the cloaked man enters God's room.
"Hey you called me?"The person asked.
God was writing a book and then he looks up. " So you came just like i asked. I'm
afraid that it's time that i need your help again my friend! A boy named Luke has the
Millenium Chain!"
"And you want me to look after him?"The cloaked man asked
"No, not necessarily look after him but to help him. So in the mean time while i prepare
a body for you, you might have to share his body for a while! The boy is very strong
and talented. I'm pretty sure you will feel it when you'll be with him." God said. The
person in the white cloak bows, flicks his fingers and disappears.

Meanwhile in the bunker the chain is still flashing brightly. It starts to hoover in the air
and moves towards Luke's unconscious body. Then the chain slowly begins to go
through Luke's body. The bright light fades and everything becomes still and silent.
Marik blinks his eyes few times then he shakes his head and then takes out his cell
phone and calls The Devil.
"What is it! Have you killed the boy yet?" The Devil asked through the phone.
" No sir, The Millennium Chain went inside the kids body!" Marik said.
"What!" The Devil shouts furiously.

Meanwhile inside Luke's consciousness Luke is on the floor.
"Wake up! Wake up kid!" A voice said.
Luke slowly opens his eyes and slowly stands up. His mind is like a dark hallway with a
light on one side and there is a person standing before the light and it shadows his face.
"Who are you?" Luke asks.
The flash of light blinds Luke and he falls deeply asleep.
"Don't worry kid! I'll take care of this fight for you!" The person said.

Meanwhile back in the bunker, Marik is still talking to The Devil on his cell phone.
"So what should i do sir?" Marik asks.
"Try to kill him! Noah should be there by now!" The Devil told Marik.
"Roger that sir!" Marik replies back and gets off the phone. He then turns towards
Luke's limb body and begins to walk towards it. Suddenly another blinding flash of light
appears and Marik covers his eyes.
The blind light stops and Marik opens his eyes again.
"Oh fuck!" he said.
In front of him stood a tall teenager that looks like he's around seventeen years old. He
has spiky hair which changes color every minute. He has a very pale skin and his eyes
are black. He also has black nail polish on his nails.
"Let the fun begin!" He says darkly to Marik.

Meanwhile outside of the bunker, the smoke is clearing. Most of Luke's robots and killer machines that were guarding the entrance were down. Few of them still fought the demon-soldiers. Noah runs by the remaining robots and killing machines and runs down the bunker. Behind him, they all fall into piece before they could aim at him.
"Hope it's not too late!" Noah said to himself.

Meanwhile in Hell, The Devil is reading some documents. His phone begins to ring and he picks it up.
"Hello?" he asks.
"He-he-he-he-heh! Devil, I'm coming for you! Your apprentice wasn't as tough as i thought he would be! I guess I'll be seeing you soon and i hope your much more fun that this little punk!" A dark voice said and hangs up on The Devil.
The Devil sits there with the cell phone still next to his ear looking shocked and turned pale. He quickly stands up and runs to his door.
The Devil opens the door and begins to run down the stairs skipping five steps at a time. Then he stops at a another door at the bottom of the stairs and opens it. In there
there were demons in officer uniforms.
"Call an emergency retreat!" he shouts.
The demon-officers begin to rush to the phones. The Devil starts to run back up the stairs.When he got to his office he takes out his cell phone and calls Noah.
"Hello!" Noah answers.
"Get the hell out of there! Pick up Marik first!" The Devil orders.
"Yes sir!" Noah replies and gets off the phone.

Meanwhile above the bunker, Luke's reinforcements and fighter planes finally appear on the scene. They see the demon-planes lowering down to the floor.
"Take them out! Don't leave any of them alive. We're going to rescue the higher ups
properly!" The robot officers tell the fighter planes.
The fighter planes start their charge.

Meanwhile inside the bunker, Noah finally reaches the dark room. He tries to catch his
breath and notices Mariks body on the ground. Then he turns around to see the tall boy
standing behind him and staring at Noah.
"So, we have more company!"the boy says.
"No! Please spare me, i just came to pickup Marik!" Noah begs.
The boy walks towards Mariks body and throws him at Noah. Noah catches Marik.
"He has most of his bones broken! Tell him, once he awakens, to drink more milk and to get more stronger! He barely gave me some sweat!" the boy said.
Noah turns around and runs up the stairs without looking back .
"Looks like this battle is over!"the boy says to himself.
With another flash Luke's original body comes back but still lifeless.

Few minutes later, Noah finally reaches the entrance of the bunker. What he saw next
was the last thing he would remember. His entire army of demons were blasted into pieces as Luke's soldiers swarmed the place.

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 17th, 2011, 07:02 PM
Err...Perhaps you should not refer directly to them as God or the Devil, as when you do then suddenly there are certain expectations to meet, and certain religions that you'll probably annoy. Describe God, but don't call him God, this is a fictional world after all, so you can call God whatever you want, (eg. if you've read the Lord of the Rings then you'll know that Tolkien named the God of his world iluvatar). Same thing for the Devil, though it is perhaps not as important.

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 17th, 2011, 07:20 PM
The name of the God aside, here is my critique:

You seem to switch between past and present tense quite often. Bold is when you're speaking in past tense and underline is when you're speaking in present tense.



In heaven: A person was wearing a white cloak.The person has a hood so his face can't
be seen. He knocks on the huge oak doors. The doors open up and the cloaked
person enters God's room.
"Hey you called me?"The person asked.
God was writing a book and then he looks up. " So you came just like i asked. I'm
afraid that it's time that i need your help again my friend! A boy named Luke has the
Millenium Chain!"
"And you want me to look after him?"The cloaked man asked
"No, not necessarily look after him but to help him. So in the mean time while i prepare
a body for you, you might have to share his body for a while! The boy is very strong
and talented. I'm pretty sure you will feel it when you'll be with him." God said. The
person in the white cloak bows, flicks his fingers and disappears.



Other than that, you also have a few problems with your sentences, as an example this is how I personally would rewrite the first part of this paragraph (in past tense):

Up in Heaven, there was a person wearing a white cloak, with a hood disguising his face. He knocked on the two, huge oak doors that lay in front of him, and walked inside.

I may be wrong of course. It is overall an interesting story, but it needs a lot of editing.

guilt
January 17th, 2011, 07:48 PM
ok thanks for telling me about the problems. I'll try to find a perfect name to replace God. But i'll have to keep the devil as it is because way later on in the story, his name will be revealed and it is his weakness.