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View Full Version : You Have To Go (280 Words)



Sock
January 17th, 2011, 07:02 AM
Secretly gripped, she wishes that this imaginary romantic tangent would finally to come to its logical demise. To fizzle out like a decayed liquic crystal, caked in dust in the clutter and musk, in a wholey forgot inebriated heap of bubbles in the bath tub. And if she could bare to hear his suffering stutters she would have him, right there on the ride home from the laundry mat, but she can not, she can not stomach that wouned face, those wounded eyes, the whole routine that they have memorized ... who is this pouty sad figure anyway, this tragically cool wrinkled face that thinks it is a puppy dog. He always shows up... And yet, as if by some act of providence, she does take him. She listens again. She runs her fingers on the stubble and remembers and he stops pouting and allows a revealing smile to creep through the sullen facade. And as they lie in bed, Judy watches a trapped junebug flutter between the window pane and the screen. She takes the cliché from her lips and stuffs it into the ash tray on the night stand. He covers himself with a silk bathrobe and walks to the window. Judy sits up. She watches him walk across the room, her heart is beating hard and her throat goes dry. He stops and looks at her for a minute , thinking. He opens the window and the bug flies away. Judy tells him that he has to leave. He removes the silk robe and walk over to her, grinning. He giggles boyishly as he grabs at her flesh. But she is serious. She tightens her lips and looks away. “This can’t go on.”

aye_priori
January 19th, 2011, 06:40 AM
I thought the word choice throughout was excellent, and really helped define an effective tone for the piece. It might be excessively wordy at certain portions (which inevitably slows the pace). Nothing big, just (IMO) overly flower descriptions for simplistic events/images etc. The varied sentence length helped keep the pace up, so nice job there. In such a short passage the narrator(?) really came through strongly, nice work!

wron
January 25th, 2011, 01:35 AM
Fascinating story, but it's sort of a diamond in the rough. The tale is a mix of glowing moments and mismatched phrases (e.g., "To fizzle out like a decayed liquic crystal, caked in dust in the clutter and musk, in a wholey forgot inebriated heap of bubbles in the bath tub") and a connected progression that doesn't connect quite enough, though all the material is there. You're using complex sentences, trains of thought and feeling that won't tolerate grammatical confusion - doesn't mean you need perfect spelling/grammar, but every word and phrase must be clear at a glance and sufficiently evocative to carry the subtle and complex feelings you are trying to communicate in the story. I'd love to read this again if you decide to keep working on it.