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writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 04:38 PM
Scars

Wolf. A word spoken out of Emma's mouth without a care. Wolf, she said, repeatedly in her head. No matter how much she tried to somehow scare away the visions, the very thoughts that clouded her head nothing worked.The visions of her sisters attack was still present in her head. The wolf ripping and tearing, the very threshold of Emma's world apart. Every single bite, tear in her skin, the blood everywhere, it was still clouding Emma's mind. No matter how much she tried these visions were still in her head.
A wolf the young one of the pack looked at her, eyes glassed but yet full of pity and grief. She could still remember those eyes, they stared right threw her. The way the wolf looked at her, like he wanted to come to her comfort her but something against his instincts didn't let him.
Later that day I saw the very wolf that stared at me, the wolf that I love, dead on the road.Its corpse just laying there with the same sorrowful look in his eyes I saw earlier. That death was as traumatic for me as my sister's even though I barely even knew that wolf. Somewhere deep inside me I loved the wolf, even though my mind told me I should hate. I keep telling myself I would never see him again; he was dead. Even if he somehow was still alive, he wasn't human we are different.

Everyday I wake up, thinking it was just a dream, just to remind myself its not. Its 5 years after my sister died and I'm 15. The death of my sister is long forgotten. Every night since the day of my 15 birthday I see what my mind thinks a ghost but what I want to believe is my wolf standing in my backyard staring at me. He watches everything I do for a few hours every night. I have never gotten up the courage to see him until now.

12:00 a.m, May 23
I cautiously opened my bedroom door. My parents are "busy" at work. My dad is on a business trip and my mom is at a casino. As soon as I stepped out my back door I felt the bitterly cold air. But then I saw my wolf, he just kept on standing and staring. He stared straight threw me with his ice blue eyes. I kept on stepping closer and closer until I was close enough to touch him but he didn't move. My mind told me to run away, but I was so absorbed in the wolf I saw 5 years ago standing so close to me. Then I started to stroke my hands threw his fur.

Suddenly I saw something so terrifying something I only heard of in books. He did something indescribable right after I touched him. Human parts started appeared in place of wolf ones. Even though I was completely terrified I didn't move. My wolf was turning into a human. I wanted to help but something inside me told me that I couldn't.

I was about to run away, I couldn't bare to see him like this. Yet I just stared as his body as it made the slow and painful change from wolf to human. Leave just leave I wanted to scream at myself. But yet I just stayed.

I started to walk toward him and reached my arm toward him to help him up but my mind was still in shock that my wolf was human. As soon as I reached my arm to help him he withdrawal him arm.

"Its fine," My wolf muttered. He looked into my eyes and said "Your the girl."

"Your the wolf i muttered back." For a second we just stood staring at each other. As he looked into my hazel eyes, I just stared at him my eyes full of wonder, and love for someone I barely even know. I thought to myself of course I loved him, but how could he love me. I'm not important, I'm just a stupid kid, I repeating harshly to myself. Those were the words my abusive parents told me over and over again I wasn't important. "Why are you looking at me like that, I'm just a stupid kid,"I thought aloud. His eyes filled with sorrow and regret as if he made me say those words. Suddenly I became full of regret the one feeling the filled me and my mind constantly.

"Because, I love you,"he said. As soon as I said those words I saw my very perspective of live change suddenly eyes brightened and I replied before I could stop myself.

"I love you too." He smiled as I said that because he could tell by the emotion in my voice, the look in my eyes, that I meant it and I did I meant every word. But as soon as I said I love you his body lurched and he began the same shift that had happened moments ago, just as his body finished the painful change from human to wolf he bit me. Then I soon began the same painful change he just made but with grace and swiftness.

1:54 a.m, May 23

I don't know why he bit me, but something inside told me he loved me, to much to let me go. As soon as he bit me, my eyes filled with sorrow "Why did you betray me," I said in the language of the wolfs'. Then I started to run into the forest, he watched me as my light brown coat slowly started to disappear. I kept on running though, I have no clue where I am going. I only stopped running twice,either when I got fatigued or for a drink of water. Everyone always tells me running from your problems doesn't help anything, but something inside me says it does. Finally when the horrible fatigue started to catch up to me I rested next to a stream. I saw myself in the water, what I saw bewildered me. I know that I became a wolf but I didn't realize what I looked like. My gigantic buggy hazel eyes were now my most prominent feature. My rough, yet silky light brown wolf coat surrounded my eyes. Suddenly I found another wolf next to me I had trouble recognizing him, until I again saw those icy blue eyes.
"Its you again," I said bluntly.

"I'm sorry,"he said I could tell my the tone in his voice that he truly meant it.
I just stared at him and said

Sorry isn't enough, you ruined my life." For one second I regretted what I said he was completely taken aback.

"Alright, but soon you'll want me back,"He said hurt filled his voice.
As soon as he said that I knew exactly what he meant. "

"Wait I need you,"I said.

"Now that's what I wanted to hear,"he said.

11:00 a.m, May 23

Not until now did I realize how tough it would be to be a wolf.

"Come on you can do this its just meat,"he said. Its just meat I thought looking at the dear carcass laying on the forest floor.___ I slowly reached my head down and took a bite then I started to eat ravenously absorbed in the taste and the smell of the fresh catch. Then my wolf poked me I growled then backed away taken aback by my own doing.

"We never introduced ourselves," he said ignoring my previous outburst. "I'm Dillon and you are?"

"I'm Emma."

"What I beautiful name,"he said voice filled with love. "Now I have to teach you how to hunt." I shuddered at the idea, the aspect of killing what you eat seems new to me not to mention gross.

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 15th, 2011, 04:52 PM
I don't understand why the story is broken into Daniel's first person view and Katherine's first person view. You can't really do that at a paragraph by paragraph level and it deterred me from reading it... I'll read it and give a better criticism should the story be placed into either third person or if you choose the first person of either Daniel or Katherine (not both). (Sorry for being harsh).

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 04:57 PM
Your criticism is not harsh at all. I'm looking for criticism I understand that it may be confusing that it switches back it forth but I made it like to that to do chapters, but i understand how that could be confusing so I will do it from Emma's point of view (I'm changing the main character instead of Katherine 2 Emma)

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 15th, 2011, 05:03 PM
If it was intended for one point of view per full chapter(eg, a page or more), then that would probably be alright, though it would still be a bit confusing I think.

I look forward to reading it from the single point of view. :)

EDIT: Keep in mind that this is just my view of things. Other people may want it to remain as it is originally for all I know.

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 05:09 PM
I changed it to Emma's (1st person) point of view. I think you were right its easier to write if it comes from just Emma's point of view and not to mention a lot easier to understand.

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 15th, 2011, 05:11 PM
I'll read it when I get back from the dog walk :D

(Not smiling cos the dog walk, smiling cos I get to read the story. The dog walk will be wet, muddy and generally unpleasent. lol.)

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 05:14 PM
Alright have fun. Haha well as much fun as you can walking your dog.....Which isn't very much.

BIORD
January 15th, 2011, 05:27 PM
Admittedly, I am not the best when it comes to grammar in my own language, and even less so when it comes to English, so take my advice with a grain of salt in case I am wrong. I feel compelled to point out the following issue I had with reading your text though:

Some of your sentences seem like they're either missing a comma, or needs to be broken into numerous sentences, separated by a full stop.

Let me give you a few examples (I will not mention them all):

"A wolf the young one of the pack looked at her eyes glassed but yet full of unseen emotion." This sentence doesn't seem harmonious, and seems like it lacks a comma or needs to be broken into more than one sentence. For example: "A wolf, the youngest of the pack, looked into her eyes. The eyes of the wolf were glassed but yet full of unseen emotion". This was just an example - I'm not a particularly good writer myself, so I'm sure you could find better ways of phrasing this than me. I just hope you understood my point.

"The way the wolf looked at her, like it wanted to come to her comfort her but something against its instincts could not let him." Something is also wrong here. The sentence "...Like it wanted to come to her comfort her" doesn't make sense. And first you refer to the wolf as an "it", and at the end of the sentence you refer to the wolf as a "him". Either it's an "it" or a "him". ;-)

"No matter how much she tried to somehow scare away the visions, the very thoughts that clouded her head." This sentence in itself doesn't seem to make much sense to me. The first part is okay, but the second part doesn't make sense in conjunction with the first. The way you chose to structure the first part dictates a certain ending, for example: "No matter how much she tried to scare away the visions, she simply couldn't.".. you could also have rephrased the sentence in a similar way to this: "No matter how much she tried to scare away the visions and thoughts that clouded her head, she simply couldn't."... Etc. Of course there's numerous other ways this sentence could be phrased - again I'm just using the easiest example to demonstrate a point. Your sentence sets out to demonstrate a conclusion but fails to reach that conclusion because there is none present. Also - the sentence directly following this seems to conclude what you were setting out to conclude with this first one. It seems unharmonious to me.. Sorry.

"I don't know why I just stood their my institicts told me to run away, my mind was so absorbed by her the girl I seen 5 years ago standing so close to me. Then she touched me stroking her hands threw my fur." There's unfortunately multiple mistakes here.. Spelling mistakes, missing commas, perhaps some full stops, rephrasing, etc..

"I expected her to run away but she just stood their something deep inside me wanted her to leave not see me like this." Same as described above..

And so on, with some other sentences in your work as well.

I feel bad for pointing out all this, but I want to help you get better at what you love to do. And let me tell you - if there is something I admire, it is your creativity. With a bit of grammatic proofreading, rephrasing etc., I'm sure you'll be well on your way to writing many more good stories.

Please excuse me if my somewhat ignorant knowledge of the English language has led me to point out things that aren't really mistakes in your text. I could do with some grammatic education myself. :-D

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 05:33 PM
Thank you so much for the tips I'll go threw the story and fix the parts that don't make sense. Since I edited in first person before you wrote this I'll go threw and add coma's and fix like you stated below

"A wolf the young one of the pack looked at her eyes glassed but yet full of unseen emotion." This sentence doesn't seem harmonious, and seems like it lacks a comma or needs to be broken into more than one sentence. For example: "A wolf, the youngest of the pack, looked into her eyes. The eyes of the wolf were glassed but yet full of unseen emotion". This was just an example - I'm not a particularly good writer myself, so I'm sure you could find better ways of phrasing this than me. I just hope you understood my point.

"The way the wolf looked at her, like it wanted to come to her comfort her but something against its instincts could not let him." Something is also wrong here. The sentence "...Like it wanted to come to her comfort her" doesn't make sense. And first you refer to the wolf as an "it", and at the end of the sentence you refer to the wolf as a "him". Either it's an "it" or a "him"

BIORD
January 15th, 2011, 05:38 PM
Well, you don't have to write exactly what I wrote (I'm not good at writing fiction, AT ALL), I just want you to read your text through and see whether some of the longer sentences with multiple ideas can be separated into more than one sentence, or perhaps rephrased.. I want you to write it in your own way, and not with my examples. It is YOUR text, not mine. :-)

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 06:01 PM
I understand I just made some corrections I still have to go threw a few times.

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 15th, 2011, 06:57 PM
Very interesting story. I like the concept and creativity behind it all. However, I have to say, there are a lot of grammar problems, and the first part was in third person. You'll need to do a great deal of editing work unfortunately.

I have attempted to do the first section as an example: (The black version is what it looks like with the corrections, the coloured one is what I have changed. Red is for delete, orange is for my personal restructure or rewrite)


No matter how much I tried to somehow halt the flow of memories, the visions of my sister’s attack were still present in my head. The wolf had ripped and torn at the very threshold of my world. Every single bite, tear in my skin, the blood everywhere, it was still clouding my mind. No matter how much I tried to forget them, these visions were still in my head. The youngest wolf of the pack looked at me, eyes glassed but yet full of pity and grief. It was as if he wanted to comfort me, but his instincts could not let him.

Wolf. A word spoken out of Emma's mouth without a care or any particular importance. ‘Wolf’, I said repeatedly in my head. No matter how much I tried to somehow halt the flow of memories, No matter how much she tried the visions of my sister’s attack were still present in my head. The wolf had ripped and torn at the very threshold of my world. Every single bite, tear in my skin, the blood everywhere, it was still clouding my mind. No matter how much I tried to forget them, these visions were still in my head. The youngest wolf of the pack looked at me, eyes glassed but yet full of pity and grief. She could still remember those sorrowful eyes. Theway thewolf looked at Emmalike It was as if he wanted to cometo her comfort me, but something against his instincts could not let him.

There may still be quite a few problems with that, but you should pick them up with enough re-reading. Plus, you need not follow my restructures and delete suggestions to the letter, write in whatever manner you think works best. I'm sure you'll have polished it up soon enough :)

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 07:01 PM
Thank you for the tips :)

writerchk
January 15th, 2011, 08:54 PM
I'm editing my story again now so it has better grammar.

EDIT: editing my story I will have to edit it millions of times before it will have "ok" grammar

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 15th, 2011, 10:18 PM
I'm editing my story again now so it has better grammar.

Errr, have you already edited in the better grammar? :P

writerchk
January 16th, 2011, 02:27 AM
I am editing it various times haha basically whenever I time my writing needs all the editing it can get lol.

writerchk
January 18th, 2011, 04:33 PM
:) I have school off so happy :)